letting the narcissist move on? ( & Loving What Is )

[write]

In my reply to Nic last night I wrote this

Narcissists are players and incapable of real intimacy, it would be too painful for them.
It would be too painful for us too if we're honest- would we really be open to knowing and supporting such an injured troubled person who is nothing we thought they were also abusive & destructive?

I just woke thinking & thinking about it.

My husband is now in therapy and we are separated, but we will still need to continue a relationship as parents together.
Constructing this new relationship I am beginning to realise how much I am reluctant to let go and let him grow...

He, bless him, is patience itself with me over this!
I question everything he does and says, his motives, his behaviour, and I blame him constantly when things go wrong.

It is partly a symptom of post-trauma: acting out my own pain.
if I let him move on then how will I nurse the wounds he caused? how will I validate all that time I spent trying and suffering? what about all the unfairness over the years?

I thought it was me not wanting to take responsibility for my own choices, wanting to lay blame squarely with him.
But it's more subtle than that: I am reluctant to let go of the certainty that the relationship provided, to let go of the deep validation of my view of myself and the world.

In saying he fears intimacy, he is abusive, I can turn those concepts around* and apply them to myself safely now.
* that's the idea in Byron Katies 'Loving what is' ( check it out on http://www.thework.com/intro.html )

I understand that in creating a relationship with someone who was not able to love me or be with me I clearly feared intimacy.
And in labelling him and continuing to relate to him in a negative destructive relationship- I was abusive too.
What I thought was his story is mine.

If I don't work on these issues for myself that's when I will fall into another substitute abusive relationship and repeat the pattern.

At first I hated the idea that we would have to be joined together as parents for the rest of our lives; but if I had gone away indignantly clinging to the moral high ground and never seen him again I would have missed this exercise in self-awareness and humility which I sense is the basis of who I will be for my future.

Life is amazing, isn't it...

[rosencrantz]

Wow!  I stand back in admiration and applaud.

BIG work concluded here!  

I salute you.
R

[write]

thanks R.
I salute you too, and everyone else who's working through these things here.
It's wonderful to be able to share, I've learned so much from this board.

[Anonymous]

Write, that was truly an amazing message.   To boot, you are also “singing my song” ....

I realized something similar a few months back.   That I have also been afraid of intimacy, and this has played a role in my involvement with xN boyfriend.   Big thing to admit.

>"And in labelling him and continuing to relate to him in a negative >destructive relationship- I was abusive too.  What I thought was his >story is mine."

This really stuck out for me.   I also realized that his story was mine.  In fact, I realized that I was just playing the opposite side of the same energy current this time around.   What I mean, is that in a former relationship before xN, with a perfectly nice person, I was the one who projected, distanced, blamed, did black & white thinking, had fits of anger, did unreasonable rationalizations… etc…

Last time around, with former xN boyfriend, I was playing the part of my  x non N boyfriend, and N was the former me!   “Life is amazing”, as you say….     I just flipped flopped sides is all…    The issues are/were the *same* though...

What I am sooooooo thankful for, is that I had the opportunity to go back and apologize to my x Non N boyfriend.  To sit face to face and tell him my fears and insecurities that led to my unacceptable behaviors.   To cry in pain at the pain I’d caused him, naming it in detail & asking for his forgiveness.    Very healing for us both, and we are great friends to this day.

I don’t expect to have that from xN and you have put into words so clearly (below), my exact thoughts about how to move on….

>I let him move on then how will I nurse the wounds he caused? how will >I validate all that time I spent trying and suffering? what about all the >unfairness over the years?"

We are still friends (telephone only) and it is going well that way.  But I find that the resentment of everything that you mentioned creeps in at times, and I wonder if I should pull out of the friendship.

I know it is a completely dif. situation for you, being married, but I can relate very well to your feelings

>But it's more subtle than that: I am reluctant to let go of the certainty >that the relationship provided, to let go of the deep validation of my view >of myself and the world.

I will have to think more on that one, for my own self.

Thanks for the thought provoking post, and you are indeed doing great work for yourself!