Hubby's N Mother Resurfaces (father too)

[Lizbeth]

My husband cut his mother out of our lives several years back, for very, very good reasons.  She is a true N.  His father isn't much better.  We have not talked to him for quite a few years as well, because he borrowed money from us under false pretenses (when we had small children to feed and could not afford it) and has never paid it back nor apologized for it.  Of course, when you lend money to a friend or relative and they don't pay you back, YOU somehow become the bad guy.

Anyway, hubby's birthday this year coincides with Easter.  Several days before Easter he got a card from his mother.  This makes him sick to his stomach, so I open it and read it.  The usual saccariney garbage.  I shred it and throw it away for him, at his request.

Friday morning the postman delivers a package from her, with "delivery confirmation" sticker on it (she paid to confirm he still is at the same address, I suppose, because we have not responded to her sporadic cards the past few years).  This really upsets him, so I tell him I'll take it to work, put it in a box unopened, and put a request for no furhter contact IN WRITING THIS TIME in the box with it.  This seems to satisfy his desire to get the filthy thing out of the house.  I did this for him today.  She will receive the package tomorrow or the next day, I assume.  She is the cheapest person on the face of the earth, the only reason she would send a gift plus pay for the postage and delivery confirmation, is for her own gain.

Anyway, on his birthday, yesterday, his father called on hubby's cell phone (his half-sister must have given him the number) and was hinting about not having his taxes done yet (hubby works for the govt as a forensic auditor and we also have a tax prep and financial service business) and then launches into this garbage about his mother.  Won't he have regrets if he doesn't get back into a relationship with her etc.  Mind you, this man divorced his mother years ago and never saw his son until he was about 16, and then started a relationship with him in his 20's, early 30's until the money incident.  I was sitting next to him when he was on the phone with his father and mumbled "if he is so concerned about her, why did he divorce her, she was his wife?"  His father heard something, but not what I said, too bad, it's the truth.  Hubby got off the phone with him a few minutes later, not taking the bait about the taxes and not letting get into it him about his mother any further.

We were both incredulous for a little while at the gall of his father, but more importantly, suspicious of his motivation.  Both his parents KNOW we are doing well now (through other family members) and I KNOW in my heart the only motivation they have is how we can benefit them financially.

I'd like to strangle his sister for giving out the cell number to her father, but she probably has good motives.  She is misguided but a nice person.  

Anyway, I am happy that we have deflected the efforts of these two people to use us again but sad that they use their son's birthday to their own gain.  Some people never change.

Lizbeth

[Anonymous]

Hi Lizbeth,

I think what's great about this story is how unified and cohesive you and your husband are on this issue. To be so supportive of each other, that must greatly strengthen your resolve. How sad for you to have such parents but how fortunate you are to have each other.

CG

[Lizbeth]

As an update, we have not heard a peep from hubby's N mom.  She had to have received the package back days ago.  I know she must have gone into a rage and blamed me for it, but we have not heard a peep, which is a relief.  It felt good to send the package back because I had to endure her foul mouth and abuse over "stealing her baby" until we had had enough garbage from her and decided to cut her out of our lives entirely several years ago (5 or so, I think).  She has been trying to weasel her way back in since then, with sporadic cards and gifts.  It won't work, neither will her getting into cahoots with her ex.  He has his own family but N mother-in-law recently moved into the same small town.  That is why I know this one-two punch on hubby's birthday was not a coincidence, especially with the sanctimonious garbage coming out of father-in-law's mouth.  We both know that all they are interested in is money.

Funny thing is, we have been practicing no-contact with her long before we knew anything about N's.  She is a full-blown N.  Drug addict, ex-prostitute, never worked a day in her life, total user and abuser.  That's my mother-in-law.

Lizbeth

[paige t]

for sharing your story!  It made me feel very hopeful that my husband and I can get away from our toxic parents permantly.  Relief, so much relief.  
Paige

[Anonymous]

Hi Paige:

Of course, we moved out of state years ago (NY to NJ) so that distance helps.  But it can be done.  Once you get over the misplaced guilt, it becomes easier.  No one has the right to treat you badly, no matter who they are.

Good luck and stick around here for support!

Liz

for sharing your story!  It made me feel very hopeful that my husband and I can get away from our toxic parents permantly.  Relief, so much relief.  
Paige

[Lizbeth]

Sorry, that was me, Lizbeth.

[Tokyojim]

Lizbeth,

Your story is fantastic!  It should be an encouragement and inspiration to those wanting to avoid those toxic relationships.  One has to really cut off those poisonous ties.  Fortunately, he has you to help him.  It is very hard because a small vestige of hope probably remains, and one wants to see the humanity in the worst of one's relatives.

Interesting about the money situation, and so true.  When those kinds of people are not paying and any demands are made to make just a partial return of the promise, they will say that you are money-mad, greedy, insensitive to their plight, not caring, etc.  I assume you are ignoring the nonsense.....

[Lizbeth]

Hi Tokyojim:

My father-in-law borrowed money from his son when my boys were little and we did not have the money to lend.  We were barely making it ourselves.  He asked his son (whom he had just recently re-established a relationship with after having spent most of my husband’s childhood and young adulthood out of the picture) for $250 to pay for his insurance for his car. Mind you, this man never paid a cent of child support for my husband’s care when he was growing up.  I told my husband not to lend it as we did not have it but his father promised to pay it back “the next day”.  The next day came and went and hubby would call his father and did not have the nerve to come out and ask for it so they would talk forever (long distance at that time was expensive as well).  This went on for several days.  Eventually he did ask, and his father said he didn’t have it.  His promise to repay immediately was all a big lie, apparently.  (At one time, this man neglected to pay for his house for so long the bank foreclosed and he did not tell his wife about it until the day before they had to move to a rental home!)

To make a long story short, I was furious and hubby promised never again to give money away we did not have to lose.  His father did not call us for years and years (a very long time), and we plugged along.  We put hubby through 4 associate degrees, a bachelor’s degree, his CPA certification and his MBA (which we are still paying for).  He got a job as a forensic auditor with the ATF, we renovated our old house and opened out own little business on the second floor.  We finally started doing well.  

Lo and behold, several years ago we start getting calls from his father, after news of our hard-earned success was passed around by other family members.  He wanted to come visit.   I told hubby I did not want that man in my house until I got an explanation or an apology or the money back.  Hubby didn’t know what to do so I told him I just would not be home that day, he could still visit with his father if he wished.  Three times he was supposed to come, 3 times he did not show up.  His half-sister finally asked us this past Christmas time what was up between hubby and father, and hubby told her.  Afterward she must have talked to his father, because he called the same day, still nothing about the money, etc.  Still promising to come for visit and never calling back or showing up.  That was the last straw, even for hubby.  When he got the call on his birthday on his cell-phone from his father busting his chops about not reconciling with his N mother, hinting about not having his taxes done, we were wise to what was going on and sent the birthday package back to his mother the next day.  I’m sure the note inside will be relayed to the father, as they both live in the same small town, and even though they have been divorced for many years, they still speak at times.

I told hubby a few years ago that the $250 was a small price to pay to keep his father out of our lives as he obviously will never do the adult thing and apologize for using us in the past.  Using guilt about hubby’s mother is a disgusting thing to do as well.  These people will never change.  They are and will always be users.  We do not want or need them in our lives.  

Thanks for your reply and encouragement!

Lizbeth

[Lizbeth]

I have to say one more thing.  It does help our situation that we are a state away (100 miles) and that neither of my hubby's parents have a pot to p*s* in.  They can't do what other parents and relatives have done to many of us, use resources to force their way back into our lives, despite our right to live without their toxic influence and damage.  There is nothing that either of these people can do except lightly annoy us at this point.    I know it is much more difficult when relatives have money and influence they can use against you.  We don't have to get lawyers or restraining orders to deal with these people because they have no assets and they are not physically violent (thank God, though his mother has been in the past, but thankfully never towards us).  Stories about his mother and how she treated her son (and me) would take days to tell.  That's for another day or two.  

Lizbeth

[Tokyojim]

Yes, $250 is a small price to pay.  It is not worth it!

I hope that you will continue to stay strong together.  There will certainly be times that your husband will weaken and have doubts.  Keep him strong, because their craziness will continue and continue.  They will hit you with anything they can - guilt, reason, anger - anything and everything.  Every day that you can ignore them you will be a bit stronger, and it will be easier to do it the next time.

This is just personal, but one way I cope with toxic people is by telling myself how "stupid" I am for spending time thinking about them.  The weather is now beautiful, there are things to see, children to enjoy, money to make, good books to read, plans to be made....  The vampires are a waste of time and energy

[Lizbeth]

I agree, Tokyojim.  They are a waste of time.  We are taking a much deserved vacation (just finished tax season yesterday) from April 27-May 8.  Four days in Ft. Lauderdale then a cruise to the Western Caribbean.  I won't waste a second of my time thinking about anything other than how lucky I now am.   Hubby and I spent the past 2 years taking care of my sister after my brother in law develped lung cancer and died May 2 of last year.  She is going on the cruise with us and we will throw flowers overboard in Joe's memory on May 2 this year at 5 PM.


Lizbeth

[mrt]

Watch out for that sister-in-law. She might not be mis-guided. She may be jealous of your success or be unaware that she is dealing with N parents and is being manipulated by them.
My sister will defend my N parents no matter how bad they behave. Many years ago we made the mistake of going into business with her with the promise that my parents would help us all with the business. My parents never really helped and then with out warning my sister suddenly walked out on us leaving us high and dry. We had to file bankruptcy. I was furious but I chalked it up to her immaturity and eventually forgave them and continued to let them abuse me again and again without realizing it.

 Just recently she was manipulated by my parents to hurt me financially again. That was the last straw. They will never be trustworthy again. I finally learned who they were and all about N and Self-obsessed people. Boy were my eyes opened. I now trying to deal with the anger that I wasted so many yearstrying to get along with them and not realizing it was all one-sided in their favor. Stupid stupid stupid

Give your sister-in-law another chance? Perhaps, but be watchful of what you tell her - she might not have your husband's best interest at heart like you obviously do.  I commend you for helping your husband with his N parents.

[Lizbeth]

Thank you, Mrtraced, that is good advise.  I still find myself thinking the best of people until I am proved otherwise, but I know that is not a good idea when you are dealing with disfunctional family members.  Fortunately, sister-in-law lives in Maryland with her new husband and baby and has no way to interfere in our lives other than giving out hubby's cell phone number.   She has enougn on her plate because her new hubby is a bozo.  The inability to make good choices in life because of a disfunctional childhood is passed on and on through the generations, it's such a shame.

On a brighter note, we have still not heard a peep from N mother-in-law!

Lizbeth