What Would You Do?

[dandylife]

I am disturbed about something and looking for advice. An old -ex who I broke up with while I was divorced from my H is coming around again - 2 times in past 2 weeks he has shown up at my daughter's work (she works at a restaurant/bar) and he has talked her up - pumping her for info on me.

We had a bad break up. I found out that he had divorced his wife while we were together (he had told me they were separated) and I found out months later after they were divorced. Usually this would be the opposite (a man not telling a woman he's married) but this felt like even more of a betrayal. Like he wanted me to believe he was still married - not available for a true relationship with me (still playing the field)? Anyway so I broke up with him.

His problem seemed to be an excitation over unavailable women. Well, here I am - unavailable and apparently making him excited again.

What would you do? He hasn't tried to contact me directly.

Dandylife

[isittoolate]

hi DL,

Well, here I am - unavailable and apparently making him excited again.

Tell him you ARE available?

No--just kidding!
================
I wouldn't get involved because if he fooled you once he'll do it again. He's not trustworthy!

Love
Izzy

[lighter]

Hee, Izzy....

But seriously dandylife.

You ditched him for as reason.  I'd trust my gut and first instinct if I was you and make  clear he should tell his story walkin.

Be busy and pay no attention to the creep behind the big wolf's smile. 

Drama and pain aren't what excite you so..... just say NO. 

That's just my opinion, of course. 

[Hopalong]

Dandy,

How's your daughter with assertiveness?

Next time he schmoozes her, would she be willing to look him in the eye and say,

I'm not comfortable having you ask me questions about by mother. Have a good day. Next, please.

That's up to her, but you could ask.

Or another way, would be to say to your daughter, I'd like it if you'd tell him you don't feel comfortable discussing me, but if you don't want to do that, that's okay.

Mainly, I'd work on shrugging it off.

Hops

[dandylife]

Izzy,
Hah! I actually thought about that - wondered how long it would take him to run screaming for the hills! Thanks for the smile.

Lighter,
Right. I can't have the drama in my life. So been there done that.

Hops,
Yeah, that's what I was wondering. It feels so intrusive to have him schmoozing her when I'm not there. She's not exactly the "appropriate comments" type of person either, so I wonder what all she has said to him. She started text messaging me when he comes in "he's here again, mom". I told her he's a loser and she doesn't have to give him the time of day. Wondering at what point do I tell him myself to back off.

Dandylife

[Hopalong]

Well, negative attention for him is still attention...

Here's another idea. Without any blame or anger, how about being assertive (remember, assertive is not aggressive, it's just healthy) with your daughter, e.g.:

"I don't want to spend any mental energy whatsoever on X, it's not good for me. Firm decision. If you want advice,I think you've got two options:
1) simply look away and don't respond to any of his personal questions or remarks, or 2) tell him, "I prefer not to chat right now, excuse me." (Then repeat 1 or 2 as often as necessary until he stops.)

And, I'd like to ask you not to bring him up to me any more. You're an adult and I have a lot of confidence in you--this guy's a chance to practice some healthy boundaries. But I really don't want to be reminded. Thanks."

What do you think?

Hops

[dandylife]

Perfect! I have just a niggle of guilt that "my problem" now becomes her problem.

I guess I can ask her to let me know only if he becomes belligerent or more of a nuisance?

Dandylife

[debkor]

Hey Dandy,

How old is your daughter?
What kind of relationship did she have with him when you were dating him?  Was she close to him?  Was he good to her?
Do you think he would have come to say hello to her and how is she doing (just because) nothing to do with you?

I know my D would say something like this:  Hey, why don't you ask her yourself and be very  uncomfortable with that nervous snotty voice.

Then I would have to go and rip his face off to stay away from her.

Sorry I get real protective of people trying to go through my kids.

Now if he just happened to go in where my daughter works and he was Ok then I would not have a problem.  Any other questions asked besides how's your mom doing then I would step in. 


Deb

[CB123]

Dandy,

How about.....you get his phone number and call him up and say:  back off from daughter, Loser!   

CB

[Hopalong]

Sure, Dandy, imo, that makes good sense.
And that way she won't feel you're not caring about his effect on her.

I don't recall your D's age...

I'll offer a conundrum right now...my D has gradually gotten a lot more independent financially. I understand that it truly is very hard for people in their 20s with huge student debt, P/T jobs (she has two and also housesits) and no health insurance. I have bailed her out with health care, and that's not a problem.

It's her dang car. She bought a gorgeous old car with my mother, ignoring my advice to go for a more economical version, and of course, it's one of THE most expensive to repair. So just now she sends me a friendly email, but tags on that she's asking my help to replace the brakes. Then suggests how dangerous it feels to be driving it. She did say not to feel obligated--she'll deal.

It's tough. It actually may be a quite reasonable occasional request for occasional help. If I look at it objectively, that's what it is. But it pushes a lot of buttons from past times when I've felt only used by her, some dark days I hope we're putting behind us, gradually.

And, I'm beyond broke. Debts of my own. I just wrote her back the truth, that I didn't know, I was in debt myself as is my mother and going through my own fiscal crisis. She'd said shed like to deal with it before she leaves, but I suggested several alternatives, including emailing a local friend of mine who's expert on the best and cheapest mechanics, telling her to buy the parts herself and find a mechanic who'd do the labor, etc.

Bottom line, I didn't say yes. I guess looking at it, I handled it pretty well. Sorry for the highjack, hope you don't mind. I guess it's on the What Would You Do topic??? 

thanks,
Hops

Hops

[isittoolate]

Hi DL
and Hops

Hops.
Tell her to sell the car and buy a more economical one!

and DL
My wording for your daughter would be: "I say it is a betrayal to my Mom to talk about her behind her back, so please let's not! How are they hanging today?"

Love
Izzy

[dandylife]

Izzy,
Very good - reminder - that's what felt icky about that - triangulation! I don't want her to feel comfortable talking behind my back!

My daughter is 17 and work at a mexican restaurant/bar. She is very responsible for the most part (3.8+ grade point avg and working 3 part time jobs). She does still have financial issues that come to rest on me - and so it should be, her being a minor.

But, there are certain things like when she had to have her bumper replaced for the 2nd time that I started a running total of money she owes (unbeknownst to her I'm going to present it to her upon graduation and rip it up for her new start in life!) She believes she has to pay me back and she does give me $100 here or there to make up for the things I pay for.

Thanks Deb and CB - yes I feel that protectiveness but mostly invaded - but I can see that he's invaded both of us, which feels bad.

Deb - he wasn't close to her when we dated - they only saw each other a few times - mostly because I was very protective of my kids during the divorce period when I dated. I was new on the scene after 17 years of marriage and I felt like a real newbie, out of place, didn't know any of the new rules. So I kept that life separate from my kids. She didn't like him at the time - I think because she was pretty enmeshed with her daddy at the time - big time supply for him while we were having our big time trouble.

Hops,
What would I do in your situation? I think that's a great idea to have her buy the parts needed and find someone through word of mouth to do the labor at a good rate. Then: how to handle the money? I'm thinking brakes for the parts will be about $60 to $100 depending on the make. 2 1/2 hours labor - under $300 all together. This qualifies for a short term loan. $50 a month and she'll have you paid back in no time. Or tell her you'll do half as a birthday (or arbor day or labor day or i love you day or whatever) gift.

Tell her that she needs to start a car repair fund for herself whether it's $25 or $50 a month so that she has it when it's needed.

Dandylife

[Hopalong]

You're right Izzy.
I've suggested that multiple times, been ignored.

Hops

[Hopalong]

Thanks, Dandy.
I have also asked her to start a savings fund for car costs.
Been ignored. And she's 26. Gave her a bunch of books on budget.

I don't know anything about her finances since she doesn't share anything,
but I do know she works very hard.

I think the loan is the right way to go.

This time, it will be in writing, and I will expect her to honor it.
If not, no more help. Oh crap, that's easy to say, hard to do.

Hops

[dandylife]

Hops,
Your daughter will be depending on that feeling you have to make it easy for her. She doesn't ask directly because she knows all it takes to make you feel like a mom is for her to mention her "need". She knows your mom gene will kick in and want to help her.

However, alot of times I get shocked off my rear when I ask the question, "What are you planning on doing about it?" And my daughter will come up with a great solution.

So before offering the loan, I'd give her a chance to shock you off your rear. You might get surprised~!

Dandylife