I hope it is okay to share this........

[motheroffour]

Wow, seastorm,
 
How did you get that out of what I said?  COOL!  You hit the nail on the head. Feel kind of like I am two people -- one that sees the red flags and knows the injustice of it all and wants to walk away, and the other person that takes on the responsibility and tries so hard to make it better and tries for patience and hope for the future.   Thanks for seeing it.  Thanks for being direct.  I must say that there is part of me that lives in confusion still.  I see my husbands progress.  Believe in the hope of humans changing themselves.  If I didn't believe that, then I couldn't believe that I would ever be healed.  But he doesn't do everything I want him to do either.  But I refuse to micro-manage his recovery anymore.

Ami,  love the compass comment.  It is so how I feel.  What do I trust? Using all of my strength to trust my instincts.  Man, hardest thing these days to even know which voice is in my head.  Thanks for saying that better than I could. 

 I am not sure my N is like the rest of yours in that no one says mean things outright.  No one says I hate you or you are stupid.  But the message is woven in the "nice-ness" and "whipcream" of their fantansy world.  I am I making sense.  It is very confusing.  I can't always see it.  Try to figure it out.  Feels like a tar-baby.  Guess that is why everyone says to run like hell!.  The other day I was talking to a trusted Aunt that knows some of what I struggle with.  She asked me why I struggled with my MIL.  Told her one minor incident.  Nothing about N-ism or anything like.  She kind of naively told me that perhaps it was me emotional problems that were causing me to see her that way.  She couldn't see that my MIL had any flaws. (She is married to my MIL's husband).  Hopeless!  Blame, albeit innocent blame, is back on me. 

[Ami]

Dear MO4
  Family members ,sometimes, want to make things O.K.. In doing so, they "push back' our emotions. Unfortunately----- the saying is "Peace at any price and the price is you"
   I think that it is worse when people are "sweet" rather than raging lunatics-
  Have you ever heard the saying,"Shirley Temple with a shiv.?"
  Anyway, you need to honor yourself if you want to be healthy. I learned the hard way. I wanted to believe that my mother was "wonderful" and my husband was ,too. My body knew differently.
 I guess that most woman would like this ,but I could not eat. I got so thin . I had to face all this pain or I might have died.
   This is just my path. I found God. What I went through is "nothing" to find God. I have to remember that.
 God speaks to me and leads me. It really is "stupid" that I don't just relax and trust Him.    Love   Ami

[Hopalong]

Hi Mo4,
I understand why you're tired of diggiing into the past. Or at least the far past.

I sympathize with this feeling too--abandonment is what being on your own feels like when you don't yet quite believe that you are stronger than you know. (That can change, you know?)

Maybe I am afraid they won't stay with me if I meet my own needs.

I know you're afraid. It's good to identify that. You can really keep looking at this question. You've got it named very simply, here, and maybe contemplating this could be really helpful to you.

I know sometimes the ancient past feels dry of insight, but two years ago doesn't feel very far back to me...

Just 24 months ago, the man who is supposed to love and nurture you, who turned over his loyalty to pornography and stays enmeshed with parents who harm his wife, told you he'd wished your death?

What need does he meet? And how well?

A life in which you love yourself, not as a bitter anguished battle, but simply? As a person who's supposed to be here, are you supposed to eke out an existence without loyal affection?

Or are you supposed to feel serenity and peace inside, because you're caring for the gift of your life?

love
Hops

[motheroffour]

Wow,  you at the heart of the matter, aren't you, Hops.  I probably sound crazy to stay in a marriage with such a history.  I have thought the same thing about myself.   Asked myself similar questions.  Asked God so many times whether I should stay with him. Exhausted myself with all the factors involved.  Finally I decided I would not do it for one more day.  Asked him to leave.  Found enough self love to do at least that.  Since then, I have spent many months wrestling with the multitude of questions that rack my brain constantly.  Prayed countless times for an answers about divorcing or not.   The answer I did get was to wait and go on with my life.  So, I am waiting and going on with the rest of my life waiting on the wisdom and timing and almighty hand of the Lord.  I do know this:  my husband has and is repenting.  He is changing. Father in Heaven is changing him too.  Water to wine kind of stuff here.  I know that his addiction and his family system have captured him.  But I also know who he really is.  And that knowledge, however flimsy to an observer, is keeping me in the game for now.  I now know when it is his "addiction" that is doing the talking.  We don't live in that same environment now.  Or I wouldn't have stayed.  I have asked myself so many times why it seems like such a battle to be loved by a loyal partner.  All I can say is that I haven't had that -- true.  But God has this thing.  I see Him moving the mountains that stand in our way.  "Is anything too hard for the Lord?" I hold on to that right now.  While we both work together with God and our therapists and the support of each other to be the people we really want to be.

[motheroffour]

CB
Right now I think that I am hoping for the best.  I have to hope right now.  If something reveals to me that I need to make a different choice, I am trusting that I will be able to handle it.  I am trusting that it will be ok.  Whatever way it turns out.  I am strong now, than I was before.  I will be ok.  And if I am not, I have you guys, right???

[lighter]

Kinda feel like I need to fill in here....for my husbands sake....

 He has since faced his addiction head on.  He is a different person today.  He is 9 mos clean.  He is sweet to me now.  He is dealing with the emotions that he could not for so long.  He is doing the oh so difficult work.  It is paying off.  I am breathing easier.  I trust his process.  He trusts mine. 

Ummmmm....::releasing choke hold on MOF's husband::

::stepping away from the man::

Ahhhh....he's still breathin.......

[Ami]

Lighter
  I missed you.                                      Love    Ami

[lighter]

I missed you guys too, Ami.

[motheroffour]

Lighter,
You are very funny.  You make me smile.  Thanks for wanting to strangle my husband.  That support is so needed.