I Want to End My Lonely "Marriage"

[changing]

Hello My Dears-

Things have been chaotic- I have had many commitments, as well as a major upset, to distract me from the NH situation. He put in for a change of address at the Post Office (I don't know his address), and I haven't paid his credit cards- I'm sure that he will be upset, but I had to pay COBRA insurance and house insurance, etc. Please pray that I can get a mortgage on my own for the house! Than you for your help and support- I think about your posts when things get rough. All in all, my health and happiness are much improved- no cursing or threatening or criticism !

Love,
Changing

[changing]

Hello-

My NH had his mail forwarded to his new location (I don't know where his Batcave is) . I found one of his opened credit card bills in my mailbox today- I suppose he thinks I've got to pay it, even though I had to pay the house insurance, house note, utilities, our joint COBRA bill, etc. I think I'd better hurry and get everything in place. Hopefully no big crises will occur in the rest of my life (as they did last week), and I can do it.

Changing

[Hopalong]

Can you close the account?

I don't know the ramimificatios, but someone here will.

Changing, you are being wise and proactive and smart, and I know you will get through this stronger than ever.

Hang in there, keep posting (keep your records safe).

hugs
Hops

[changing]

Hi Hoppy!

The credit account was opened solely by him, and I don't have a card so I don't think that I can close the account.  I need to serve him papers, and get his guns to someone as well. He was ordered to relinquish his guns until he gets a mental health clearance. Even though I paid the very expensive insurance bill, apparently he hasn't gone to his psychiatrist for therapy or to get his medications (his doctor keeps leaving messages)- What should I do ?
Anyway, thank you for your support and help- It has kept me together!

Hugs,

Changing

[Hopalong]

Yup....ATTORNEY.
And ask to get those papers FILED.

I wonder if you can put a fraud alert on the cards, or something.
Your name's not on it but he put it in your mailbox, opened?
Then at least you have the account number, for future reference.
I'd turn it in to your lawyer?

I am no expert on these things, glad CB knows more about the financial practicalities.

When I divorced we had a separation agreement. He bought out my share of our house with a gift from his family. I used my share to make a downpayment on a little house in town. We had custody and visitation sorted out in the papers. We didn't own that much, but made a list of our division of our possessions that was included in the settlement. (Breaks my heart to look back and see that we actually included a spider plant. But we got things worked out okay. By the time it came around both of us were more sad than angry, I believe.)

[lighter]

Hi Changing:

You sound really good.

I wouldn't make another payment on his credit cards, btw.

How dare that little shit drop it in your mailbox while keeping his forwarding address a secret from you.

And he thinks you'll just pay his credit card.  Just wait till he sees what happens to his interest rate when that payment's late. 

His problem.  Not yours. 

Have you started interviewing attorneys?

See the best and see the brightest in your county.  Certain one's will be THE attorneys in that county.  Just make sure you see them so he can't hire them, even if you don't like them. 

Ask every one of them who they'd hire and why.  Ask lots of questions and don't hire someone your friend's aunt knows.  HIRE SOMEONE GOOD and very capable.  Most have 60 or so clients.  Make sure yours isn't just blowing smoke up your puttuty. 

They tend to say whatever they think you want to hear then act all dazed when your case, and life, fall apart.  See lots and see what you think.  Do you need to pay off any of your own debt before you file?

Do you need to apply for more credit cards?  That home loan in your name?

Once you file you aren't supposed to do anything that isn't within the normal course of business. 

Do your debts need to match his so that it's a wash... instead of your picking up half of his?  Think about it.

Keep us informed. 

[jillebean]

because you stated your truest wishes and feelings about being living with an abusive husband, It seems to me that you are taking steps to free yourself from what must be an emotionally exhausting, scary, painful way of living.  I, get it.  I married two abusive men.  first one was physically abusive.  second one was emotionaly abusive to the point that I was sure he was crazy.  He wasn't.  Please do all you can to have a "safety plan" for when the day comes that you walk (or skip/run/speed-walk as I did out the door.  your local womens' shelter can help.  it's RE.ALLY important for your physical safety beacause an abusers sense of control depends on consistent access to the controllee.  If that access is threatened their is most often a violent explosion like you've never seen (directly after the confusion and psudo please of needing you have been voiced by the abuser). 

You are a loving human being who DOES NOT DESERVE TO BE TREATED WITH ANYTHING OTHER THAN LOVING KINDNESS.  Chances of him making significant, permanent, POSITIVE changes are around 3%-7%.  This data is factual.  and finally, Jill's reliable quote: "Every 5 years or so I look back on my life and I have a good laugh...." Indigo Girls.  write something in a journal the day you leave, or even today, date it and look at it in 5 years. you'll see...!!!! :u ))  May you have peace....

[axa]

Changing,

I wanted to be sick reading about your soon to be X.  I think you have been given wonderful advice here from people who have been through the mill also.  I loved Mud's post, very grounding stuff and good for me to hear also.  Nothing you could have done would have made it any better.  That is the conclusion I came to also, giving up on my own guilt was hard for me but part of the abusers game plan is to have you so unsure of yourself that you doubt your own name.

While you are making great strides on practical issues I wonder how you are doing?  Do you have a T. What sort of support systems do you have in the 3dworld. Do you have a job?

Healing from this level of abuse is so painful and I think it is very important to have a support system.  Are there any womens groups for abused women in your area.  I know a long time ago I joined a group of abused women.  I was in complete denial about what was going on in my life but the more I heard the stories of others the more I could take on board the abuse I suffered.  The support of the women there was wonderful.

Please take care of yourself and WOW sending a cybermedal for having made such significant changes to your life.

Axa