Hi everyone

[Tweety]

Hi everyone! I'm new to this so please excuse any errors . First I'd like to thank all of you for sharing your feelings. I can identify with all of you.  what a relief to find support and validation for what I have grown up with and have been through in my life. I just wanted to keep this 1st post short and to thank you and introduce myself. I hope that I can contribute  some of my experiences,  and hope with you.. also some of my relapses from time to time which were necessary to move forward, which by the way I would beat myself up for too .
Looking forward to talking with you all.
Tweety

[Certain Hope]

Welcome, Tweety     

That name just tickles me, by the way... brings automatic smiles, it seems. I'm glad you're here and look forward to reading your posts. However you choose to share, I'm sure that you'll find plenty of listening ears and  lots of helpful responses.
This place is definitely an important aid in recovery and I think you'll love it here!

Hope

[Hopalong]

Hi Tweety 

Glad you're here!
What a gracious hello

Ready for your story, and thanks for reading ours.

Hopalong

[Tweety]

Hi Hope,
Thanx for the welcome. I'm glad i made you smile with my Tweety, I wish I could figure out how to add my Tweety Icon next to my name. .....Yes I do believe this is a great recovery aid. I stumbled across this when I looked up Narcissistic on the computer and found Dr Grossman's web page and than to this, Ah.......there truly are no coincidences. Once you truly take that 1st step and than realise all you can do is accept things and people for who and what they  are, than you are led to people and people are brought to you to help you heal and get through this. Believe me, I thought" letting Go" was giving up and I'm not a quitter (LOL) , It took some time for me to realise I have no control over this disease ,Illness disorder whatever you want to call it. All I know is I call it painfull, heartbreaking , horrifying and abusive.
So glad to be here
Tweety

[Certain Hope]

You're welcome, Tweety! 

I've not looked into the profile options here for some time, but I see that there's a place to upload a photo. Looks like you need to have the picture/icon stored on another webpage in order to do that, though. Maybe that requires a "My Space" type of account?
I dunno.

I agree with you about no coincidences. I found this site in much the same way, through google-search, I believe. Say, if you haven't read Dr. Grossman's essays yet, they are most definitely worth the time! Excellent stuff.

I'm glad you're not a quitter. I've battled against the desire to run and hide for most of my life and am finally building the resources to stand firm on a consistent basis. That is definitely worth the time and effort, too! Again, welcome 

Hope

[isittoolate]

Welcome Tweety, 

It's great to have you here, and I  look forward to your posts.

Your Tweety icon has an inappropriate name-- with all those % etc. fill ins--just rename it tweety (.gif or .jpg) and it ought to work. (I did a right-cliclk then on the Properties of the blank square with the red X to see that.)

Hope that works for you
xx
Izzy

[Certain Hope]

Thanks, Izzy... your technical assistance helped me, too 

And Tweety... I must say - you're lookin lovely over there 

Hope

[Tweety]

Hey All,
Hope, Izzy,
Thank you..........hey, I'm in........ my pic came up  .  You all have been so welcoming. Yes I don't give up...It is an asset when I use   my determination the right way. The first half of my life I never gave up trying to be understood, herd, acknowledged by my mother, wondering why I wasn't getting affection, love understanding , thinking something must be wrong with me for wanting to be loved and allowed to have feelings. I made a decision when I had children not to ever be like her. I'm happy to say i did succeed with my children, but not my love life. That wound is deep and they do say you are attracted to your parents. But i have to thank God that I was because I would have never learned and have been led to recovery or even this web site if it didn't happen.  I am 43 years old and have finally come to terms with the fact my mother is Narcissistic. This journey of mine to heal started 7 years ago after my divorce, my husband was having an affair. I was left with 2 beautiful children to raise on my own with no emotional support from my mother. I have since ended a 4 year relationship with an extremely narcissistic alcoholic.. Ended physically with me having to have him arrested. .As if my mother wasn't enough lol... I was led to AL-ONON ,and then through those rooms I learned about Narcissism. I have come along way. My need to "know" and understand is what has kept me going. I have spent a few years looking to the past for answers , blamed other people and my self .Had to feel all my feelings and honor them all. That seemed to be the key for me, to 1st recognise what i was feeling ( I wasn't allowed to as a child and when i was it was wrong). The Nerve of me wanting to be respected , loved and nurtured. lol.... Than when i finally allowed my self to feel , it terrified me, because I still doubted myself, my mothers voices were playing over and over that I was wrong for feeling. By the grace of God I got through them and can now say I'm am entitled to feel and I honor my feelings, Anger was the big one for me, how dare I get mad at my mother , she was never wrong. Well I don't want to go on and on. Thats a little of my story.
Hugs to all
Tweety

[Ami]

Deat Tweety,
   Welcome. I have such a similar story..It is hard for us to feel any emotion when we had to survive living with an N mother.
   I really hope that you write and share your feelings each step along the way .                        Love  Ami

[Tweety]

Hey Ami,
Im soooo glad to meet you and be here. Thank you . I just hope what I have to say makes sense and can help someone else and that you guys can help me as well.
Tweety

[Certain Hope]

Hey again, Tweety,

My mother was never wrong, either   And in truth, she is often right.
Often, not always... and there's the rub. She taught me that I had to be as "right" as she, icy and unassailable, in order to survive.
I sure would have learned alot if she'd only admitted the times she was wrong. Ever. Even just a tad incorrect.
About anything. Sheesh. I'm trying to view her now more objectively... to see her as a case study of what a person becomes
when she ignores, denies, turns off, stuffs, hides, or otherwise abuses her own feelings.

I strongly relate to what you said about your need to know and understand keeping you going.
That's how it was for me when I first learned of NPD about 5 years ago. I couldn't read, study, absorb enough on the topic.
There've been several different phases of recovery since that time... some that focused on letting go, others that focused on gathering together, and
yet others where all I could do was hang on. Kinda like Ecclesiastes 3 - to everything there is a season.

Right now, I'm just learning to relax enough in my own skin to appreciate the now, while still looking forward to the day when
I can step far enough back to view the whole process on a continuum.
I don't know when that will be, but that's something to which I think we can look forward in anticipation, for a change,
instead of with fear and dread. So there it is - the here and now, the future, and the past - in that order, I think. Hmm... seems proper
All present and accounted for, but no one season overriding the other to the point of voiding it.
Hey, I like that!

Thank you for the opportunity to think aloud here.

With love,
Hope
 

[bigalspal]

Hi Tweety!
Welcome aboard! (pun intended).
You certainly are in the right place. I'm still pretty new here & remember how I felt when I found out that I wasn't alone. That it wasn't MY fault that my NMother didn't love me. I wasn't defective, SHE was! I will NEVER forget that "light bulb" moment!
This board is full of wonderful, caring, concerned people.
We will be there for you!
Your new friend,
Bigalspal

[confused2]

Hi tweety,
glad you joined us. hope you will find something said here to help you in your journey.

we are all in a storm, coming out of a storm, or headed toward a storm in our lives. We all need support. I hope you will find some lots of it here.

Sweetgrass

[Tweety]

Hey Hope, Bigalspal & Confused2,
Well said Hope!! I like that too.
I'm not sure which category my mother falls into, but as you said she wasn't always wrong. When she was ,she never once said she was sorry.
I am at the point now where I can accept her for who she is and not expect her to be able to have empathy or comfort in the way that I need it. To stop going back to a dry well hopping it will be different. They say "expectations are premeditated resentments"........hum. She is my mother and will always be. If I keep things a bit emotionally detached it's better for me.
I to want things a certain way, which is similar to the N's in our lives, but not to the extent that it causes damage to others, maybe to ourselves...lol. I can totally relate to a lot of what you said. It's time to move forward, live in the present and not stare to hard at the past anymore, I might have to look back to learn ,but not stay stuck there.
I just finished reading Nina Browns books "Children of the Self Absorbed" & "Loving the Self Absorbed" wow... two great books if anyone is interested.
It was an eye opener for me because she also shows you your part of the relationship and how "we" might be contributing.  Which is exactly were I am in my journey, to accept the past and myself and be aware of my character "defects"  (which yes, helped me to survive) but maybe are not so helpful to me anymore.
Thank you all for letting my share my thoughts outloud as well.
Hugs to you all
Tweety

[Certain Hope]

Hi again, Tweety

I like this:  "expectations are premeditated resentments".

Unmet expectations are the cause of so much disappointment and hurt!

But I've found that my past attempts at emotional detachment haven't worked too well for anyone involved.
I think that's because "to detach" was a decision I'd made in my mind, without allowing opportunity for my heart to catch up.
These things take time. I had no clue how many feelings were stuffed inside me, so my premature attempt at detachment created
alot of internal chaos. Much of that would come to the surface when I'd write... so I quit posting here for some time. 

So when I post here now, I can feel the drive to connect with others, to share and to explore - to step a bit closer to people -
 while at the same time making the deliberate decision to not be controlled by emotions.
What I'm trying to say is, sometimes I seem to choose to post - not because I have a whole lot to say, but because
it's in trying to write that alot of unknowns are revealed. So please don't think that I'm expecting a response or needing one
Sometimes that's how I feel... like I absolutely must respond to each and every thing, whether I really want to or not.
Working on that.

And I know that my own character defects contributed to past poor relationships, so it's refreshing to me to hear
you speak of those.  Exploring those tendancies, inclinations, leftovers from the past, whatever they are...
well, that's why I'm here. Thanks for helping me to define that!
I don't even know that they helped me survive... they were just all I ever knew.
What I know for a fact is they sure didn't allow me to live and thrive.. or to be a blessing to others.

Looking forward to many more discoveries
Hugs to you, too!

Hope