Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
living alone and wanting to make a change
write:
Exhausted, yes, when I get home. When I am engaged in a project or completely involved in something at work, I have boundless energy but then I get home and this little voice inside me says, "don't do anything about your future. just be happy for now and the fact that you are safe."
are you lonely? You say you haven't found the kind of relationships you'd like, but maybe you still need them/ need to look for them? Being busy isn't quite enough somehow, is it, plus if you're exhausting yourself...
This is a great article http://www.adv-leadership-grp.com/articles/goalsetting.htm & scroll down for a model of a balanced life- I've stuck mine on the fridge ( by my roosting post! ) and whenever I feel out of balance I look at it and look at what I'm needing.
Quite often it's the simplest thing- like good food, exercise, or just a sleep! Sometimes it's a whole area of life getting neglected. I recently found the church for me, something I had neglected and been cynical about for years, and the last piece of the puzzle slid into place...
Living in another culture is hard sometimes, but the internet has great resources to find ex-pat groups etc. for a bit of 'home' and info about your city so you can find something appeals to you. Google-search rules! In my experience the relationships follow.
Jasmine:
Dawning,
In a hurry- so hope all makes sense, without too many typos!
I can relate to your message very much. I have been in "emotional exhile" as well, for many years, though only a few hours from my childhood place of upbringing.
I also feel this sense of being alone with no support. The no support feeling is a biggie, and it is truly such a lonely and painful feeling. To my surprise, I discovered that this is a feeling I have always, always had, stemming from childhood stuff. I think for me, it might be a perception thing, that gets played out in a sort of self-fulfilling prophecy. Though knowing that does not make it one darn bit easier to change it :(
I also feel very lethargic to do what I know I need to, to change things. Here are the main reasons why I think this is the case for me. Maybe you might relate:
1) If I'm really self honest, I have fears about the things I want to move toward, and so begin to feel really overwhelmed about facing what I want. I then want to "veg out" or keep myself distracted, as an avoidance thing.
2) To some extent I think I am emotional depressed (due to years of situational "less than idea living" and life stress), and this causes lack of focus, energy, motivation.
3) I become hopeless and doubtful of my ability to accomplish what I want, because I start thinking about how alone I am, and how little support I have. Again, a perception thing. Part of it is also a lack of self belief/confidence... From childhood, I never developed a healthy self-esteem(though it gets better with age & working on it) and this contributes to my ever present feeling of being alone in the world, I'm sure....
Keep sharing- I hope that the board facilitates your healing & growth...
Wildflower:
Hi Dawning! Welcome aboard! :D
--- Quote ---I have a lot of potential but if I stay in my current situation, I am scared the potential will drain away from me and then I will be at the mercy of my divorced N Mother and Father (only child) again so you can see what I must be setting myself up for.
I am just so tired of not making any preparations for my future.
--- End quote ---
I think I’ve been where you are, Dawning. At least, it sounds like you’re going through a bit of depression – especially if you’ve been feeling this way for a while. When you’re in this place, sometimes even the smallest things can feel so overwhelming. So maybe think about what you want to do over the next week instead of trying to plan your whole future? Just try to do two things this week for an hour each – and then curl up on your sofa for tv (and a little patting on the back :) ). It’s obvious to me that you’re ready and willing to get moving. Just gotta get inertia going in your favor a little. Give yourself a nice little push. Emphasis on little. :wink: The rest will take care of itself, I bet.
If thoughts of your parents are keeping you planted, is there a way that you can make a different move? A move in the direction of home but not Home home? Visit an old friend perhaps? Just brainstorming really.
I loved Portia’s questions. Definitely give yourself a little time to dream and wander mentally among some simple pleasures and wants. These positive thoughts have a way of blossoming and taking over.
--- Quote ---I am very well-travelled. Been to 25 countries with a backpack.
--- End quote ---
That must have been great fun wandering around with a backpack through so many different places, bumping into so many different people. Were you traveling with others? Must have been lots of great adventures! What was the best thing that happened to you during your wanderings?
Wildflower
Dawning:
--- Quote ---And how long have you been feeling or thinking this way? (If you don't mind my asking.)
--- Quote ---
I have felt stuck in my personal life - and in Japan - off and on since 1998.
I can't see staying here forever or much longer and I am going through a period of kicking myself in the a*rse for staying here throughout my thirties and now feeling like I am going to turn 40 and I am still without any community or healthy family-type group and personal energy wavers on a daily basis. I feel like I could be a lot more grounded. Even moving into new rental accomodation would help, but it is too much of a financial investment here because of all the money one needs up-front to move.
All three of Jasmine's points apply to me. Never looked at it that way. But I did lose my joie d'vivre and it is really, really, hard the days leading up to my 40th b/day in a couple of weeks and knowing that I may never give birth and why didn't I realize that I wanted to have children until it was too late. Mind you, I also told myself that I wouldn't marry *any* man who was interested in me - it had to be mutual and based on respect not neediness. But now I found myself feeling needy and can't get my needs met here - not now anyway. But Jasmine's three points apply and that is the downward. But I don't wanna go down any further.
Wildflower, you mentioned inertia. That must be in there too. Cause when I think what a move out of the country would entail - international shipping, quarantine for the cats, putting cats on airplane for fight...it sounds overwhelming. I also wonder if I can fit in to the American way of life (that I didn't like very much to begin with when I originally left) That is okay, I tell myself, I can find like-minded Americans on the net, etc. But I have a love/hate relationship with living abroad and it will be almost twenty years that I have lived abroad - that is a long time. Is there a way out? Oh, H*ll. Might as well flop on the sofa and have a cigarette. I have time. That was my modus operandi but now, turning 40, I feel like I have no time. And I am angry that I can't take steps forward...that I am afraid to take steps forward. What if i make a mistake. can I afford to make a mistake at 40? with my little savings? i would have to buy a car in the states too....don't much like the idea of that either. Flop on the sofa again and tell myself how good I have it here. That everyone feels lonely and, hey, lving next to a 4 lane major road is not so bad. At least I have a home. so, i should just shut up and be happy. urgh!!! I don't want to keep thinking like that. therapy did not help with this issues. she listened and that was about it. i thought, in therapy, that we were supposed to get to the bottom of what the real issue was. I identified my dysfunctional family problems so that is good.
--- End quote ---
If thoughts of your parents are keeping you planted, is there a way that you can make a different move? A move in the direction of home but not Home home? Visit an old friend perhaps? Just brainstorming really.
--- End quote ---
Good idea but I don't have very many friends left there that are the supportive sort. I guess, way back then, a supportive environment was not what I asked of my friends. But thanks for the suggestion.
Write, I just glanced at the link you posted but it looks very, very good. Thanks for thinking of me and offering suggestions too.
I know there is no silver bullet. I know only I have the answers. I make a goal - like going to the support group at the church today- but I did not go because I stayed out too late last night. My reason for going out? To meet people, to be around people.
I'm sorry to be whining like this. It makes me so angry that I am this passive about my life. I know it is up to me. I'm hoping that once my birthday comes and goes that I will calm down a little and take steps to change my life.
Writing here helps. Reading the posts - all of them inspirational - helps. I need this board right now. Each and every one of you is helping me and I thank you and want you to know that.
Dawning (about to turn 40 and feeling introverted.)
p.s. I did send an email to a man who wrote an article I liked. I asked if he was single and he wrote back and said yes. i've never done anything like that before. I think he is in canada. I also had a conversation with someone last night - once I got over my fears of speaking - and he said "you have to challenge your comfort zone." so i think I need to get feedback right now from the right people. and, except for this board, meeting the right people in this city has been hit or miss and at random for the last 6 years of my life.
Dawning:
Also, see that my first long paragraph ended up as a quote. apologies for the confusion. I'll get the hang of the quote procedure soon. :oops:
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