last night I went to ( Lutheran ) church, bumped into friend of former 'best' friend, I was right to be worried about him, she said he was blind drunk the night before and made an aggressive pass at her.
She said he's obsessed with finding a partner right now and uninterested in other aspects of his life.
Felt sad for him, but I already tried to talk to him and he isn't in a listening mood.
***
So we sat and drank tea and chatted a bit, she is an occ. therapist and took my card, said they might use me for an alzheimers group.
Then I went to a wholefood market, bought ingredients for soup.
Came home and was so tired I had a bath, cup of tea, finished novel about bereavement sister sent, cried a bit then went to bed.
Took small dose of xanax, am thinking of trying to use it instead of seroquel as psych doc suggested. It's addictive though and so nice, not sure about it.
Did sleep really well though, maybe I should do this once a month. Won't create a dependence with that.
Calm today.
Cried as soon as I woke up though.
Went to a Unitarian church, preacher was Ba'hai. Every word he said, and the sung farsi prayer were meaningful to me.
Relaxed.
G_d is independent of the Christian church and still there in my life. I just was paying too much attention to the church and the scriptures and the crusade of trying to be a Christian. Jesus' teachings are very hard to follow which I suppose is why so many of the churches drop the main ones!
Think I'll stop worrying for a while and go back to the interfaith perspective of searching the truth and meaning in all faith.
It's G_d I want in my life, not religion.
One of the Bahullah quotes with eprfect timing was 'if religion becomes a source of fighting and trouble, better no religion'.
I really prayed today in a way I haven't been able to for days.
Bought a bookmark on the way out, several bookmarks, one said a Ghandi quote 'be the change you want to see in the world' another said 'other cultures are not a failed attempt to be like yours...'
Will try to meditate on that all week, because I have been feeling disappointed about the Christian church, about US culture, and I don't want to become at all negative or dismissive or even make too many assumptions based ona few negative experiences.
Wonder why I am crying so much?
Book sister sent was big trigger, woman who met perfect relationship, man died after few weeks of happy marriage...it was just a novel but made me think about a lot of things.
