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Emotional isolation: alone and/or lonely

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Portia:
‘....

rosencrantz:
Hurray for Portia!!

If I still lived in you-know-where on the west of you and my other friend with the violent horrible mother still lived in you-know-where on the east of you, then we'd all meet up in that hotel we know near where you live and discover we either hated each other on sight or have a regular meet-up once a month to just talk about how horrible mothers are and how brilliant we have become. :shock:  And I'd drag you off to the business women's luncheon in you-know-where-else and you'd hate every minute of it, make great contacts and live happily ever after!!!   :D  :D  :D

Is that too intimate to say??

Anyway, it's easy to say but the thought of DOING it terrifies me.  My very best friend is someone I know via the internet.  I knew her years ago but we met up again via email - after which we worked together over the internet, I supported her in lots of ways, and then suddenly I discovered she was supporting ME!!!  We have a great relationship - I can tell her anything! - but we never see each other face to face and I really was anxious about meeting up again.  She visited me with her family, I visited her.  Once each!

We spent an amazing afternoon just talking about nothing in particular.  Kids with fathers.  But I still feel anxious whenever she mentions meeting up, coming to stay, me going to stay.  My son is the same age as hers and they like each other.  What a waste!!!  I just so don't want to spoil it.  I'll get on her nerves; I'll want to hide away; I won't know what the 'rules' are in her home, I'm not sure I can cope with having someone around all the time in my own.  (Treat me like a hotel, and I'd be happy!)  I don't even phone her.  I've lost touch with another good friend because I won't/can't call and she has her own good reasons not to have access to the internet.  What a rotten way for me to treat a friend.

Portia, if you responded to me like you did to that woman with the curry, I'd think you disdained me.  I'm not good enough.  She doesn't want me around.  I shouldn't have tried.  What an idiot I was.  Shame curling up round my ears.  I'm so stupid.  Add the cultural difference and I'd assume you disliked me for what I appear to be.  Heck, I'd probably think you'd 'defined' me in some strange way that had nothing to do with me!!!

Thank God for people like her who are determined to make friends, who value other people and have the self-confidence to pursue decent people - even suspicious ones!!!  What a gift to be able to cook; what a gift of a GIFT to give you!!!

She did it because she could!  She did it because she liked you or liked the look of you!  She wanted to know you better.  She just wanted somebody's companionship (she's an E!!) and you were it!  You lucky girl!!! I suppose she could be a psycho wanting to poison you or drug you!!!  (Oh, you hadn't thought of that!  :lol:)

Ah, but, you ask - what do you do in return?  Were we never taught social skills by our parents?????  My mother never entertained, she never made friends, we never had other adults visit.  She seemed to have 'friends' around from a past life - mysterious to me.  Where did they come from? They never visited us tho we occasionally visited them (usually at Xmas to exchange gifts).

I'd ask your neighbour to elevenses - coffee.  I only know that because when you have a child you get involved in coffee mornings.  It's part of the culture of motherhood along with discussing the relative merits of soap powder.  Stepford wives???  Who cares!!  Satire is not real life.  And satirists probably haven't got any friends either!!  :D  :D  

For some reason I'm thinking of The Golden Notebook - feminist writer - forgotten her name.

And yes, professionally, I do what you do, too.  Someone makes the smallest criticism and I am filled with shame that I have not fulfilled the brief, have got it all wrong.  Aw, I don't need those 'reasons' - I am just 'filled with shame' no ifs or buts.  Full to the brim.  I got it wrong.  All wrong.  Worthless.

BUT I keep the money!!  My H taught me about money representing the value you put on yourself (in the workplace).  I've worked on that for years.  And I don't give in any more! (Oh, dear - does that sound familiar - a childhood solution again!!!).  I keep the money.  I require payment for my skills.  Plenty of people less 'talented' than I get paid, why not me??!  But I still feel shame and never go back!!  

But now, this year, I've run out of courage - I have a great skill to sell but I'm avoiding it like the plague.  One small hiccup and that's it.  Gone.  I can't ask for money any more.  It's too much pressure - I don't function if payment is involved - hey, I become 'dysfunctional'!!! :shock:  :shock:  :shock:

I've found a way around it with another of my 'portfolio' of business interests.  I earn great money there as a result of work I did last year.  I discovered today I earned £3000 last month - yeehah! - but you know I don't care about the 'money' - what I care about is that I did it!!!  I care I can buy the things I want without feeling guilty - have my alternative therapies, buy my books.  I care that the independence has made it possible to confront my H about the things he does 'to' me.  I love the miracle that it's flowing through my home.  

I'm frightened that this painful year will have a knock-on effect and next year I won't earn anything at all.  But I'm hoping I can 'recover' my ability to get out and about and TALK and SHARE face to face again in the next few months.  I just can't stand the thought of not being wanted.  Yes, me!  Not my product or service - but 'me'.  And there's no difference between the two.  It is 'me' and I am 'it'!!!

I don't understand the dynamics of this at all. (Agh - it's a description of the relationship between me and my MOTHER!!!)

When we got married, my H and I jointly bought a flat.  I was renting, he owned a small flat. We combined finances.  He had another flat he'd bought for his (now deceased) parents.  He gave it to me - I accepted it as my bolt hole should anything 'go wrong'.  Good tax reasons anyway.  He always talks about it as mine; I talk about it as 'his'.  Wasn't it Virginia Woolf who spoke about the importance of 'a room of one's own'??

I understand 'not paying' - it means you're not beholden.  'They''ve got a hold over you if you've given anything of your own (independence)  away.  You 'have to' give something back.  And it might be something you don't want to give back.  

I'm puzzling cos I'm feeling that way these days - but I haven't always felt that way.

I used to give a lot away  :idea:  - so 'they''d be beholden to me!!!  But somehow it doesn't seem to work that way where I live now.  There's noone who needs what I've got!!!!!!!!!!!  :shock:  :shock:  :shock:  (I'm thinking : but surely that's only in my imagination!!! I can't believe I'm in this 'same old groove'!!!)  But it's 'true' round here - everyone knows everyone, I'm an outsider - my home is referred to as belonging to someone who lived in it 20 years ago!!!  No coffee mornings - there are 3, 4, 5 generations living here and they all mix with each other.  How will I ever penetrate - I don't know the rules of the game here (familiar groove).

You know, I would never allow myself to wear blue.  Because it was my favourite colour and I'm not allowed anything I want.  So I can't even 'have' the colour blue.  Self-sacrifice.

Are you sacrificing something for someone else, too???  Commitment???

I've no idea where I'm going here.  Just 'following my nose', sniffing round a long and winding trail, letting you know what I find comes up for me along the trail you've already marked out here.  (Back to dogs and cats again!!!)  :wink:

Of course, my 'lawyer' brain says : absolutely right what you're doing.  Living with someone who's half divorced - I wouldn't change a single iota of what you're doing!!!!!  

But I'd want more than that - let OH get his unfinished business finished (or else!) then move to the country and set up an animal sanctuary for families to come visit!!!   Don't fight it!  

But then, I've never burnt my bridges - always 'trying', always 'hoping'.  My H is happy to burn bridges - indifferent to all except me and our son. And I live with so much clutter, it would take a pantechnicon to move me.  Still weighing me down so I won't take flight!!!  :wink:  

I'll stop!!!  You can ignore all this.  I just want you to know that you're not alone!!!
R

Peanut:
Hi Portia:  I want to understand.  This is what I got so far...

Portia =
No ties, no commitments, and no one to whom she feels obligated or for whom she feels responsible.   Well 'thought' out decision to never marry or have children.  'Feels', "stupid".  'Feel' hurt and alone.

Warmest regards, Peanut

Wildflower:
I got so excited for you when I read this post and the one on RG’s thread.  Wahoooo!!!  The heart’s bustin out, hunh?  :D :D

I’ve been struggling with some of this stuff for a little while myself.  It’s really hard, isn’t it?  I mean, our parents didn’t teach us how to socialize well.  If anything, they taught us how to pull back and be wary of others.  To remove ourselves from the world.  And boy, you better not get attached, ‘cos you’ll just get hurt in the process.  That’s where I’m sitting, at least.

Maybe it’s okay to keep your finances separate from your OH, but what I hear you saying doesn’t seem to have anything to do with money – but what the money represents.  You’ve been with him for 8 years, but there are all these rules set up to keep you from getting too close to him.  To be bound to him.  Is that close?  Am I hearing you?

About your neighbor who wants to give you lunch, my hunch is that it makes her feel good on some level to do this for you.  At the very least, I think it’s safe to assume that.  And I bet it makes her feel good in a normal way – not in a crazy manipulative ha, ha, ha you finally let me in the door now I can bite you on the neck and suck you dry kind of way.  

So, if you assume for a bit that her intentions are good, now what?  I like R’s idea for coffee, or maybe even lunch out somewhere unless you like to cook, too.  It was her idea to make lunch for you, but it would probably make things easier if you felt you were putting an equal amount back into the … relationship?  Gosh that was quick.  But does it have to be serious?  Nah.  Can it be a good and fun opportunity to learn about another culture?  Absolutely.  :D

And for the record, I can’t see what’s wrong with you (there’s something wrong with you? :shock: ).  And I’d say no one really could if there were – especially when it comes to us ACONs who’ve been hiding our true selves for so long. :wink:

Keep going!  I can’t wait to read more of your work in progress :D :D.

Wildflower

rosencrantz:
I've been (slightly) beating myself up about my long reply. But I woke up this morning knowing 'why'!  I thought you were very courageous in posting what you did.  In fact, I know you were!!  And that was my way of 'protecting' you and supporting you - by exposing myself even more!!!

Clearly there's a logic in it for me because it's 'what I do'.  Whether it's a childhood thing or a rational 'choice', I'm not sure.  Not a 'choice' if I do it without 'knowing' what I'm doing!!!  And I have done this in the past, only to receive a stab wound in return.  (Oh, sh**, it is a childhood thing isn't it!!).  Anyway, the intention was well-meant (!).  

Loved Wildflower's reply - and concur!!!  Or do we have to come and drage you out?   :wink:  :wink:  :wink:
Hugs
R

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