Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Emotional isolation: alone and/or lonely
Anonymous:
Hi Portia, here we go, the four musketeers. All over here cheering you on. Tell me more about the Indian food, sounds so yum!
I find your isolationist approach very appealling. Very Germaine Greer! Only without the dogs, you've got OH instead. Well, at least you don't have to clean the mites out of his ears. But it reminds me of a line from a motivational seminar I went to once. Gee I hate motivational seminars.
The speaker was talking about a period he went through with his son who was being difficult, unmotivated and not studying. The son was also wanting to drop out of medical school, and claimed he didn't care what he was going to do for a crust. He'd be rubbish man if he wanted to and nobody was going to stop him. His father said "Fine, be a rubbish man, after you finish med school. I'll support you all the way in being a rubbish man then, if it's still what you want! Just don't be a rubbish man because you have to, be a rubbish man because you want to."
So, when I read how independant you are, I'm so in admiration of you in some, no, so many ways! You are a truly independant woman. An active living feminist. Virginia Woolf would be so proud. A room of one's own and 500 pounds a year. Fantastic. Wouldn't it be wonderful if you knew you were living like this freely, from choice, because it's what you wanted and planned for yourself. And the result of shit parenting. Right?
I guess it really is the case for some of us to force ourselves to incorporate more of the world into our lives. To say "Yes" more often. I've started to do this, and once I do I find it's good for me. The pet thing is interesting. I wish I could buy you a budgie.
And we grow and learn as we get out more. I had an interesting self-revealing experience a few weeks. If I hadn't gone out that day, it may not have hit me. I go girlie shopping with some social gossip friends. I try to get out of because I'm lousy at girlie shopping, but one of my E friends pesters me (thankfully) so I go. I'm more like a bloke, leaning against the corner, grunting. And I can't tell them, "Yes, it makes your arse look fat."
Anyway, on to my point. I realised just recently, watching my friends enjoying themselves, shopping and trying on new clothes, "I can't do that." I never buy clothes for myself. NEVER. I can't remember the last time I bought something new. I won't go to work functions if it means I have to buy somehting new. My family give clothes sometimes. My friends give me jumpers and things. Other than a necessary set of new knickers, I just can't do it. My daughter nags me about it, and so I go with her, pick things up but then I usually put them back before I get to the check-out.
It makes me feel so guilty if I spend money on myself, and we're not hard up. I guess lower somewhere in the middle of middle-class. And I'm not a miser, I love buying for others. I'm a real gift giver and for no special occassion. I see little candles, flowers, books, trinkets and think of my friends and buy them for them. I really love it. And I know I indulge my kids and they have way too many clothes and toys.
But with me, it's like I don't think I'm worth the money. Like I said, I only realised this about myself a couple of weeks ago, so I'm still exploring the whole notion. I haven't worked it out yet. But something in your post triggered it again. Gee this is a good place to sort though stuff. But for me, the more I resist the urge to say "No" the better I think.
Biggest hug ((( :shock: )))
CG
Anonymous:
This is the third time I have attempted to respond and each time, the keyboard ghost sends my post away....away. How maddening! I will try again. :?
Yup, I can understand your feeling like you have a lot of work to do and things you have ignored. Little by little. Put up msgs here about the ways you have done that. I intend to as well.
As you have lived in your own home for awhile (8 years?) why not consider getting an animal or two? (two so they won't be lonely.) They are a responsibility and I can't take off at a moments notice anymore and fly somewhere but if I did not have their warmth and love, my "cave" would have cave in on me for sure. I don't regret that decision for a minute. Just have to pay attention to quarantine now. But it sounds like you are fairly settled. Anyway, just a thought.
About the neighbor and the curry. Accept graciously and don't feel like you have to give something back unless you want to. You will find out soon enough if they have a hidden agenda but would you want to have anything to do with someone with a hidden agenda, esp as a ACON? We know all too well about that. Anyway, give/take in measured doses and see what happens.
Cultural differences? Yes, I know berry, berry well about that one. Keep your healthy boundaries and and open mind and - who know - maybe the differences will turn into similarities. I love it when that happens.
Meditate, if you can do it. Takes a while to see results but helps feel less isolated. Other things that work for me are singing, dancing, traveling (in the past) and twirling, yes...twirling. Doing that alone in my flat now. Want to have more confidence to do it elsewhere. And everynight, before I fall asleep, I meditate on the thought that everyone, everywhere is able to fall asleep without fear.
Then, there is that song by the Beatles..."I am you and he is we and we are all together"....or something like that. 8)
my weird neighbor is back and playing his operas at deafening volume again and I can not concentrate so will close now. He is moving out at the end of the month- :D . Emotional isolation is no picinic but being invaded by deafening opera music 24/7 at this point seems even worse. I am definitely going to put that in my book of reminders!!! And I LIKED opera music until he moved in. :x
Posting now. If the post goes away again , I may just twirl myself right up to the ceiling. :lol:
Anonymous:
aha! I am the one who responded with the one post above as *guest." Because....erm, uh...I wasn't logged in. I was so upset about all those posts disappearing into the ether that I made so many typos and wrote quickly. sorry about that, Portia and Everyone.
(Now I can't get that song, "I am the Walrus" out of my head.)
Dawning (now logged in.)
lynn:
Hi portia,
I've been thinking about this post for a while and wanted to share my perspective on your neighbor and the curry chicken.
You also posted about existential issues. It seemed as though there was a mild trend that indicated that children of N's delt with freedom as the biggest issue and spouses of N's delt with isolation as the biggest issue.
For me, when married to my N, it was difficult to have friends. I NEVER wanted anyone to drop by, pop in, telephone to say hello.... it was too difficult because I could not anticipate my N's mood, reaction etc. It was easier to always meet people somewhere else.... but occassionaly portia the intensity of the isolation which was my relationship overpowered me. I needed human contact.
I found that people who were independent type friends were best for my situation. We did not visit each other's house. We didn't call to check in with each other. But we did care about each other. And when I telephoned to see if my friend could walk with me or lunch with me, she generally said yes.
I did all kinds of things, like curry chicken, for her. I did not have expectations for something in return. Instead, I simply needed occassional human contact with a person who would talk with me and not judge me. It was enough that my friend would take the time to eat chicken with me.
Maybe your neighbor needs a friend like that. Maybe it would be uncomfortable for her to have a more "traditional" friendship where you are more involved with each other's lives. Maybe, your independence creates a perfect friendship.
No strings attached,
lynn
Anonymous:
--- Quote from: Anonymous ---
Cultural differences? Yes, I know berry, berry well about that one. Keep your healthy boundaries and and open mind and - who know - maybe the differences will turn into similarities. I love it when that happens.
--- End quote ---
When I was a young intrepid explorer and traveller this happened with the most unexpected people in even more unexpected surroundings. Yes, it can happen. Isn't that great?
CG
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