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is it okay to cutt off family for self protection?

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paige t:
My husband and I grew up in emotionally abusive households - I with a N-mom and he with mom with suspected BPD.  After we married we experienced having a chronic and terminally sick child who died at 22 months.  During all of that we had no one.  That hurt.  We sort of got over that.  
Last year my little brother, that had mental illness with of course no support while living with N-mom, completed suicide. I was devastated needless to say, which sent me into a deep depression, which caused much disruption in every facet of my life.  My husband and I separated and our kids stayed with him.  My N-mom called me at work to criticize and demean me telling me that the oldest (only important grandchild) was not being taken care of, I abandoned her, she needs her mother etc. – all trying to imply that I was a bad mother.  This sent me over the edge and I took an prescription over dose which lead to a hospitalization.  When I got out, my husband (still separated) told me (after I pulled it out of him) that while I was in the hospital my entire family and his, had been on the phone spreading horrible lies about me. They determined that I was a bad mother, needed complete custody taken away from me without visitation, was just trying to get attention, was mean etc. etc.  My husband was the only one that stood up for me.  My father in fact spent an hour trying to offer him money for a lawyer to take the kids away from me.  I haven’t spoken to any of them since.  It hurt me a great deal, but now I just want to cut them off so that we that can’t be hurt by them again.  Others in the family want me to sweep it under the rug and just chalk it up to my mom being my mom.  None of those members can stand to be near her for long periods of time. I have been for years the target of my mother’s bulling especially since I have the only grandchildren.  My husband agrees with me and we are supportive of each other.  We are getting no support from other family members about this and feel we have to disconnect from everyone all together, not just my mother.  Both sides of family.  Is this okay for us to do?  Are we wrong or bad?  We feel it’s the only way to protect ourselves and our children.  Is there any other way?

Anonymous:
Hi paige t and welcome,

You have my deepest sympathy for the loss of your baby an your younger brother. What a completely awful set of experiences you relate here. I wonder how you are able sit and type. How incredibly hard that must be for you. And you've got so much more to tell.

My answer to your question is a loud 'YES'. Cut off whoever you need to if they are stopping you from getting strong, and pulling you under.

You've got enough to deal with without having to deal with their crap too. Work out the details later. You have children to care for, as I can read you're fully aware of. Don't give up. There is a way through :) .

CG

rosencrantz:
Welcome!

Such deep despair.  

An overdose may be described as a 'cry for help'  - how loud do you have to shout and they still don't hear, still do mean and stupid things to you.  Such ignorance.  You were drowning not waving!!!   It makes me feel so cross, I want to go and knock their heads together.

The simple answer is YES it's okay to protect yourself.  In fact, it's required!!  You have other kids - you owe it to them to be the  best you can be.  That's hard enough.  And 'families' like that don't help you be your best - they eat up your time and attention.  THEY are the ones seeking attention!!!!!

Perhaps next time they come sniffing at your door, you should tell 'em that you don't have time for all their attention-seeking - not today, not ever - you've better things to do with your time, like playing with your kids!!!  :wink:

Good luck
R

write:
I am sorry you have had such a difficult time, and such a hateful extended family.

Yes its ok to cut them all out, and to do whatever you need to be healthy.

Take care of yourself.

aroberts20@yahoo.com:
I have had to cut my ties with my N father.  He is so toxic that I have no self around him.  It is beyond my comprehension that a person could be so cold, unempathetic and selfish.  

While the severance has caused me pain, I am becoming myself after many years of abuse.  My mother and siblings experienced the same thing and although my mother has passed, the siblings are estranged, have addictive personalities, difficulties (understatement!) with relationships.  No contentment in life is possible.  I was raised in fear and now fear trust and intimacy.  I hope I can find a way to fix the damage and good luck to you as well.  Feel free to contact me to share our experiences.

Andrea Roberts
Phoenix, AZ
aroberts20@yahoo.com

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