Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board

is it okay to cutt off family for self protection?

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Tamara:
I myself know what it's like to deal with clinical depression and the depths it can take you to. During my bout with it, my mother said some very nasty things to me and thought it was just me having a pity party. Then she didn't talk to me for two years, didn't bother to visit me in our new home, but spread viscious lies about me to her own immediate family. Her reason: "She" was having a difficult time with not talking to me and "she" was suffering during my depression. I have one word for her and it's nothing I would put on this list. My father is also an N and is basically on another planet. After trying to give these people another chance time and again, I've finally gotten it through my head that I am much better off and much more relaxed with them permanently out of my life. You feel like you have to be crazy right along with them just in order to co-exist with them. I don't want to be like that. I have moments where I am very angry because I know my mother is still talking her cr*p and my father occasionally calls me to talk nonsense about his current wife that has left him. I'm more important than this and you really need to think that way to. STart loving yourself because you're worth it. Take care of your kids and don't expose them to the people who have damaged you. You're not being a bad person to cut these people out, you don't have to second guess yourself, you don't have to ask others permission if it's ok. You take care of what is important and that is yourself and your family.

Lizbeth:
You have every right to protect yourself from toxic relatives.  My husband and I have cut off contact with his N mother and near-N father (they are not married).  See my post about them resurfacing recently.

We can pick our friends, but we can't pick out family.  But that does not mean they have the right to abuse and hurt you.  You have to take care of yourself and not worry about those out there who only have their own selfish self-interest at heart, no matter who they are.  Toxic people in your life will continue to damage you, they have to be cut out like a cancer.

I feel so badly for you.  My heart goes out to you and all of us with toxic relatives.

Lizbeth

mrt:
Paige,
I'm so sorry to hear about your devestating losses! My heart aches for you guys. I'm so sorry to hear that both sides of the family are failing you. I'm delighted to see that your husband came around and is supportive of you. You guys need each other cause it appears you guys have no one else to turn to. I would say that your marriage should be a top priority in both of your lives. In the future if you feel like it's not doing too well then work on it - seek help. Stay strong.

My advise to you regarding your mother. RUN!!! Anyone that is so toxic that she has influenced decisions of suicide  should be considered dangerous!
 :evil:  
If she continues to try to contact you - seek legal counsel - get a restraining order or something. You need to protect your kids from this menace. If you become strong then she will move on to easier targets - your kids. (My N family were beginning to make my children feel inferior)
( kids have enough to deal with today, without their family trampling them down)
Regarding your families. Cut them all off. If both of your families weren't supportive during your worst hours then when will you ever need them?

You need time to heal. My God, you and your husband have been through hell and you need to give yourself plenty of space of time before you even "think" about having to DEAL with N's. They kicked the wounded when they were down. Who needs a family like that?

It is not wrong for you to have to protect yourself and your children.  You wouldn't let a stranger come in the house and hurt you or your family? Then why let toxic people into your life and hurt your family.   It is the same thing regardless of WHO they are and whether they yield physical, mental, or psychological harm.  
  It will be painful to seperate and you will go through a lot of anger and frustration, grief, and sorrow ( perhaps )  but it will also be a relief, a peaceful time for you guys to re-group and grow stronger. To heal. To learn about who you were dealing with. (N's)  To learn that you were not to blame. That your not "bad"

Regarding: "is there another way?" I think you should go with your instincts. If your instincts are telling you that you need to protect you and your kids,  then that's a big red flag telling you something isn't right.

God bless you guys.

DesolateFox:
Paige, if you have the strength to cut them off, and it sounds like you do, do it.  I cut my father off for 5 years and though I can only handle him in very small "bites" even now, it did a world of difference.  My mother and I are distant at best.  I am not as strong now as I used to be, and have always been particularly vulnerable to my mother, and this is much harder.  But if you need to do it and can do it, I think it's a great idea.  You have those kids to think about, and have suffered enough.

Don't look back.  You are doing the right thing.  Sounds like your husband is doing good by you.  I hope that things work out for the best between you- whatever that may be.

mcg31360:
Paige:

My heart aches for you.  I can totally relate to your situation.  Yes, it is okay to cut those people out of your life, if that's what it takes to survive.  You needn't feel guilty about it.  If you were diabetic and needed insulin to survive, you would use it.  This situation is no different.  These people want you to be enmeshed with them.  They may say and do spiteful things that suggest otherwise, but don't fall for it.  This is their way to control you by beating you up to make themselves feel better.  It's an evil sickness, that has no doubt, gone on for centuries.

My advice to you is to read everything you can get your hands on about narcissists.  Find someone to talk to that is knowledgable.  It is good that your husband is supportive.  It would be much tougher if he wasn't.  Keep the children away from those people.  If at all possible, move away far enough that they can't always be interfering in your lives.  You will never regret it.  And best of luck to you!

Cathi

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