Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Here's the person no one has ever seen...
lynn:
Hi Nikole,
Welcome to the board. Thank you for sharing your story. This is a place where you can try new things... like telling the truth about your life.... and just maybe, you find that instead of rejection or judgement, you receive support for being YOU.
Your story was important to me because I am leaving a long-term marriage with a man that has similarities to your dad. I have two kids, 16 and 19. It has been a remarkably difficult time for me recently. Your story reminded me, in a clear and honest way, how important it is for me to continue this process.
It is the "fake family" idea that was one important reason for me to divorce. I know that my kids demand honesty.... they can see a fake situation from a mile away.... So, as difficult as the divorce process is, I want to create an honest, real environment for my children.
Thank you for the story. Thank you for the reminder. It came on a day that has been really tough for me.
Remember, that no matter what anyone else says (like your dad for example) you are good enough. Even with the truth of your story, you are good enough. Even with an 85 on your math test, you are good enough. Even if you make stupid choices in the future (we all do!) , you are good enough. And people will love you and accept you for what you are inside. In fact, I think people will love you accept you mostly for the parts of you (imperfect as they may be) that are real and true.
Warmly,
lynn
sjkravill:
Welcome Nikole,
Telling your truth is the first, vital step on the long, difficult path. As difficult as it is, I still believe the truth will set you free. It may not win you friends, infact it may to the opposite of that with some people, I certainly advocate discernment when sharing it. But some people will take great comfort in your honesty. Even if the truth wins you no friends (which can feel pretty crappy) the more you tell it to yourself, the more you will be able to feel your feelings, and forgive, and do what you need to do in order to take care of yourself, and move on, and live fully.
I could relate to your story in some ways.
In that I too have always been old... have always related best to women who are between 10 and 50 years older than I am.
I too (at least in the last year or so) have difficulty letting go of my defenses long enough to feel my feelings.
I too can relate to the myth of the perfect family... Strangely, I think I have intentionally blocked memories of growing up, and just believed it because it was easier. But telling the truth to myself is helping me to understand who I am, forgive my parents, and slowly, walk the winding path of recovery.
Anyway, way to go! Keep telling your truth, to a journal, to us, to good friends, a good therapist.
Peace!
Wildflower:
Hi Nikole,
Welcome!!!! :D :D
When I was 20, I was taking a feminist history class and I decided to write one of my papers on my grandmother because she was an extremely successful doctor. Boy was that ever not smart. :roll: I got caught in the cross-fire between Mom and Grandmom big time, and I almost went mad trying to figure out which set of ‘facts’ to put down. So from here, I’m thinking it was an incredibly smart move to take the approach you did. You can work out your family stuff on your own – and not get it all messed up in your grades, and your future! I’m thinking about that now and wondering, why in the world didn’t I just pick another topic when the craziness started?!? Hunh. Note to self on getting out of sticky situations…
I’ve got the old thing, too. Or at least, I used to. I think I’ve seriously regressed over the years :wink: , but…that’s not my point right now. People were always mistaking me for someone older as I was growing up because I was mature for my age and I also happened to be at the top of the growth charts. When I started having trouble in school in third grade, an emergency meeting was set up between my teacher, my mother, and me, and when I started to cry, my teacher said something I’ll never forget: She said, “I’m hard on you because you’re smart and I think you can do better, but you also seem so much older than the other kids. I'm sorry. Sometimes I forget that you’re not, and that's not fair to you.” I think that’s another way in which it’s not so great to be older than your age. It means that sometimes you don’t get the proper support for someone your age, though that teacher ended up being kind to me. Tough, but kind.
I liked the comment about getting old on the inside instead of on the outside where it shows. Wish I could say that for me. :D A year ago I had about four gray hairs – the same ones I’d had since I was about 12. I’ve got about 100 now – just in this past year – and I’m not convinced it’s a part of my natural aging process, if you catch my drift. :wink:
Since I’m here, just a couple of thoughts on your post from the ‘healing’ thread.
--- Quote ---I yearn for the day that I wake up with less cynical eyes, but I know that isn’t going to happen any day soon. I feel like I can’t just wake up one day and be transformed.
--- End quote ---
You know, it wasn’t an overnight thing for me, either. It took a long time and lot of hard work to chip away at all the negativity that distorted my view of the world, and I’m still working on bits of it now. I’m with CG, though, that you’re well on your way because I’ll tell you. The beginning was the hardest part. It was about learning to push on in spite of mistakes I’d made – and without beating myself up too, too much about how far I had to go and where I’d come from. Maybe that’ll be easier for you and I’ve got ‘mistake’ issues (or even beating-myself-up issues :wink: ), but anyway, this is definitely one of those inertia things, and it looks like you’re already rolling down that path. :D
--- Quote ---You have conquered all the negativity in your life and brought with it such a phenomenal radiance of positivity.
--- End quote ---
I’m laughing at myself a little about this now, but I have to say, reading this right on the heels of springing a pretty negative leak about my mother really helped to ground me. It helped me remember my most important goals in life instead of getting lost in the emotions. Thank you for that. :D
I look forward to hearing more from you, and again, welcome! :D
Wildflower
Dawning:
Hi Nicole. Welcome. I am new to the group too. Hey, it sounds like you are not *acting out* and are not in denial - that's SO fantastic and you've got the rest of your life to look forward to. Sounds to me like you are getting grounded now. Good for you and thanks for sharing. How is your body taking all this?
Guest wrote:
--- Quote ---Why I feel vulnerable? I feel vulnerable; because that was the first time, I didn’t sugarcoat my true feelings in order to appease others.
--- End quote ---
Yup. I'm going through that now. Did the sugar-coating thing (with family) from college years -until now. This need to appease others or be responsible for their well-being is something I know well. It is like my family nurtured that in me and have made full use of it in the past and still want to do it now. Long-ago friends too. And, you know what, that is such an energy zapper. So taking that step to be vulnerable is empowering in the long run. What I am working on now is to recognize that vulnerability and honour it by choosing wisely who I share my true feelings with. For those who have a hard time hearing my true feelings, I don't share anymore (unlike before) or -if confrontation is necessary - begin my communication with " I feel....this way or that" in a measured voice. By beginning the dialogue with "I feel" I am taking responsibility for my feeings and also giving the person listening the chance to truly listen - or not. If they want to share their feelings, I am open to listening. But I don't want to be defending or justifying my feelings, dam*it. I just realized this was happening with someone who I have known since I was 18. I don't want to talk to him right now and maybe never again. Sad but better than being thumb-screwed. Vulnerability with control-freaks has left me so confused. Maybe I chose the control-freaks to open up to so I could subconciosuly try and re-write my childhood with a different outcome. Hasn't worked. I now realize this but I will continue to honour my vulnerability. I think I can relate to the "first time" you allow yourself to feel vulnerable. Vulnerable but wise to who you can't open up to.
--- Quote ---As difficult as it is, I still believe the truth will set you free. It may not win you friends, infact it may to the opposite of that with some people, I certainly advocate discernment when sharing it. But some people will take great comfort in your honesty. Even if the truth wins you no friends (which can feel pretty crappy) the more you tell it to yourself, the more you will be able to feel your feelings, and forgive, and do what you need to do in order to take care of yourself, and move on, and live fully.
--- End quote ---
sjkravill, thank you for putting that into words. I wrote something somewhere recently that, if you let go of the fake and open your heart to truth and honesty....then guess what types of people begin to come into your life? :) Think I'll go meditate on that for awhile. :)
~Dawning
Navigation
[0] Message Index
[*] Previous page
Go to full version