Author Topic: Need Advice Again  (Read 8369 times)

lighter

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Re: Need Advice Again
« Reply #15 on: July 20, 2007, 01:37:39 PM »
::standing... arms crossed watching tayana come to grips with her reality::

Why is it so hard to keep clear focus on our true reality? 

It comes and it goes...... it blurrs and comes back.

Did your mother call your attorney? 

It doesn't matter, she won't admit she did anything anyway.

It's all your fault or M's fault or someone else's fault, never HER fault.

How is M taking the hang up and subsequent violent disconnect from communcation with him? 

::whispering::  If he's fine...... I'd just let her fade into the distance, with hardly another about it.

So glad to hear M's haviing a good time at camp.  That's a blessing you can count.   




tayana

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Re: Need Advice Again
« Reply #16 on: July 20, 2007, 02:09:50 PM »
M was unphazed by it.  I just let it go.  He was much more interested in something on TV anyway.  The only thing I asked was if she hung up on him.

As far as I know, she hasn't called the attorney.  I doubt she will because then she has to admit guilt, which she won't do.  After all, I'm just trying to pin this on her.  Never mind that she has admitted to having the  card at one point, but I'm just trying to foist it off on her.  I have to wonder what she thought was going to happen if she let it go.
http://tayana.blogspot.com

You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you
really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing you think you cannot
do.
-Elanor Roosevelt

lighter

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Re: Need Advice Again
« Reply #17 on: July 20, 2007, 02:33:40 PM »
M was unphazed by it.  I just let it go.  He was much more interested in something on TV anyway.  The only thing I asked was if she hung up on him.

As far as I know, she hasn't called the attorney.  I doubt she will because then she has to admit guilt, which she won't do.  After all, I'm just trying to pin this on her.  Never mind that she has admitted to having the  card at one point, but I'm just trying to foist it off on her.  I have to wonder what she thought was going to happen if she let it go.



God, I'll never get used to them accusing innocent parties of DOING EXACTLY WHAT IT IS THEY ARE DOING! 


AHHHHHHH!

Whew.... I feel better now, lol. 

Like I said, I'd just let her fade into the distance for M.... and for yourself.

Maybe it'll be easier if you skip the traumatic drama, and enjoined struggle with your mom,  if you don't make any formal NC decisions.  Easier for you and easier bc you invite no struggles and accusations?  Not sure, but you're doing great, tayana.

You keep surprising me: ) 



Ami

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Re: Need Advice Again
« Reply #18 on: July 20, 2007, 02:41:43 PM »
Dear Tayana,
   I guess that it shows how "sick" I still am b/c I was "shocked" that she did that to M and that she is THAT sick. I guess that I never want to face how bad N's are .
  Tayana, it is so awful  . You are doing great, though                                                                 Love  Ami
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.        Eleanor Roosevelt

Most of our problems come from losing contact with our instincts,with the age old wisdom stored within us.
   Carl Jung

Hopalong

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Re: Need Advice Again
« Reply #19 on: July 20, 2007, 05:22:59 PM »
Tay,
It's so invasive, her asking you: What is he doing now?

It's like she's not there but demands to BE there, in his head, in your head, Priority One at all times.

I think one real boundary to practice that's very very important for you is this:

Give yourself permission not to answer her questions.

You do not have to answer her questions.

You can practice the non sequitor. The non sequitor is super duper powerful Nammo.

Nammo = anti-N ammo. A non sequitor, for example, is when she says:

What is M doing now?
He's fine, the butterfly bush across the way is blooming.

What's he doing now?
I've got to run, load of laundry in.

What's he doing now?
I'm off now, cookies in the oven.

What's he doing now?
Uh-huh, I learned how to hang a shelf. It was fun.

What's he doing now?
Long day at work today, things are good though.

What's he doing now?
Thanks, I feel better today, got a good rest.

What's he doing now?
This dog is so funny! Love dogs. Gotta run, bye.

What's he doing now?
Yawn. Boy am I sleepy. Talk to you later.

What's he doing now?
Oh it looks like rain. Amazing clouds.

etc.

In particular, YOU DO NOT HAVE TO GIVE HER ANY INFORMATION ABOUT M. YOU DO NOT HAVE TO ANSWER HER QUESTIONS ABOUT M. YOU DO NOT HAVE TO ANSWER HER QUESTIONS ABOUT M. YOU DO NOT HAVE TO LISTEN TO HER COMMENTS ABOUT M. YOU DO NOT HAVE TO TALK ON THE PHONE WITH HER ABOUT YOUR SON. OR AT ALL.

I think a big place you need to set boundaries is the phone. I think you might go into a trance of obedience when your mother calls you on the phone. I think you don't know it's okay to say, I have one minute. I have to hang up now, I'll talk to you later, goodbye, click.

I think this is an incredibly important thing for you to practice. I think letting her voice enter your head through your ear is a violation and you need to become more aware of what is happening when she is talking to you on the phone. I think you need to hold the phone six inches away from your ear EVERY time you hear her voice. I think you need to always stop and stand on one foot with the phone six inches away and run cold water and flip it into your face every time her voice is coming out of the phone. I think you need to break the phone trance. And start timing calls with a kitchen timer. She calls, you say, I have two minutes, ad set the timer, and rigorously make yourself END THE CALL when YOUR TIME is up.

It's your time. Your brain. Your ear. Your serenity to defend. Your son. Your life. Your space. Your mind. Your life.

love
Hops

Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

lighter

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Re: Need Advice Again
« Reply #20 on: July 20, 2007, 05:34:04 PM »
Wow.... Hops.

::Raising hand in favor of NC::

Your post just drives home how toxic the smallest interactions are, for tayana.

I know I sound like a broken record but.....

tayana

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Re: Need Advice Again
« Reply #21 on: July 20, 2007, 11:44:30 PM »
Lighter, Hops . . .

I haven't spoken with my mother today.  I thought about calling her and decided not to.  The phone works two ways, I decided, and if she didn't want to talk to me, I wasn't going to talk to her.

M and I splurged and ordered in pizza.  Afterwards we went to a Harry Potter party.  It was fun.

Even though I do have to go to work tomorrow at 7 am.  I was not amused when I was told that at 4 this afternoon.
http://tayana.blogspot.com

You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you
really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing you think you cannot
do.
-Elanor Roosevelt

lighter

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Re: Need Advice Again
« Reply #22 on: July 21, 2007, 01:14:04 AM »
Hmmmm what in the heck does M do when you have to be at work by 7am?

And.... how hard was it to NOT call your mother?  Are you OK?

tayana

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Re: Need Advice Again
« Reply #23 on: July 21, 2007, 10:52:56 AM »
I don't usually have to be at work that early, and I usually don't have to work on Saturdays.  This was a special thing.  M got to sit in the lunchroom and watch TV while he ate his breakfast.  We were there loner than I thought we would be.  M even got to help me once.  He sort of saved the day. 

Of course, I left he dog loose, forgot to turn on the TV for him, and he barked the whole time we were gone.  the neighbors complained.  Although the dog wasn't barking when I got home.

It was pretty hard not to call honestly, but it was good.  I didn't tell her I had to work this morning.  Right now we're waiting for UPS to bring our Harry Potter books.
http://tayana.blogspot.com

You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you
really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing you think you cannot
do.
-Elanor Roosevelt

lighter

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Re: Need Advice Again
« Reply #24 on: July 21, 2007, 12:02:29 PM »
Ummmm...... why did they PICK YOU to work at 7am on Saturday?

Was it something JUST YOU could do or did nobody else wanna do it and you were low man on the totem or what?

Don't they know you had to bring your child and it would be a hardship for you on such late notice?

Sorry that happened to you.  Maybe you need to communicate a little better with your boss and co workers about the transition time you're going through right now?

You'll remember the tv for the dog next time and so what he barked.... I've put up with tons of noise from neighbors.  So it was you this once; )  They'll get over it. 

(((tayana)))  Good for you for sticking to your guns.  Sorry it was hard. 

I bet your mom was really surprised you were strong enough to avoid calling her.  She's probably used to her little manipualtions working much better than that one did, eh?  Expect something more dramatic and remember to step back and think before reacting to her, K?

tayana

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Re: Need Advice Again
« Reply #25 on: July 21, 2007, 08:31:26 PM »
They picked me because only me and my co-worker go to these ridiculous meetings to hand-hold the elected officials.  My co-worker is on vacation, so I was it.  I told my boss my kid had to come.  There was no real choice.

Well, I called tonight just to see.  M is supposed to stay with her next week, but she didn't really want to talk to me it seems.  In fact her words were, "What do you want?"  She's mad because I didn't call last night I guess.  I don't know.  Or else she's mad over the financial stuff.  I don't know.  I don't even pretend to know.

She was mad because I let M spend some of his money on toys.  She informed me they wouldn't be buying him toys or giving him cash for Christmas, he was getting savings bonds or clothes and that was it, because he just blows the cash.  The idea of giving him cash was for him to buy something he wanted, and until now he'd been more interested in saving money.  Now, he's found out that he has money and he can spend it, but I did tell him I wasn't letting him buy anything else. 

http://tayana.blogspot.com

You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you
really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing you think you cannot
do.
-Elanor Roosevelt

lighter

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Re: Need Advice Again
« Reply #26 on: July 22, 2007, 05:14:56 AM »
I hope your day worked out, despite everything.

As Gomer Pile said...

"SURPRISE SURPRISE SURPRISE SURPRISE!"

 Tayana's mother is mad at her for not calling?

Don't think so.

Letting M spend his money on toys?

Nah.

The financial stuff?

Uh uh. 

She's mad because you're bucking her.

She's mad because you aren't allowing her to manipulate you.

She's mad because you aren't letting her prey on you any longer. 

Darnit: (

Mama's aren't supposed to require those things from their lovely deserving children and you deserve so much better than that. 

And the saddest part is...... she wasn't all that nice when you were doing most everything she demanded, under her roof where she wanted you.  She was still awful and predatory, judgmental and cruel. 

((((tayana)))) I'm so sorry this is still so hard.

 What are you going to do if she doesn't make good on her offer to keep M next week? 

Better be proactive with that one, just in case.

Hopalong

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Re: Need Advice Again
« Reply #27 on: July 22, 2007, 08:07:10 AM »
Once school starts and you and M have your own family rhythm that does not depend on NarcoGrandma, life will be better, Tayana.

I sense you're really considering the boundaries thing. Keep at it! Learning new habits is just repetition, and it takes a while for them to stick. But you can do it, woman. You've done harder things, haven't you?

Remember: break the phone trance. Guard your ears, it's an entryway into your brain.

Your brain, your serenity, belong to YOU.

Really. You have the right to guard your personal inner space, and your little family, from a toxic, crazy-making woman.

We gotta get you Out There, too. Where a new circle of friends, voluntary aunties for M and sisters for you, are waiting.

love
Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

Ami

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Re: Need Advice Again
« Reply #28 on: July 22, 2007, 08:50:24 AM »
Hops
 That reply was "brilliant"                                                 Love   Ami
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.        Eleanor Roosevelt

Most of our problems come from losing contact with our instincts,with the age old wisdom stored within us.
   Carl Jung

tayana

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Re: Need Advice Again (weekend highlights)
« Reply #29 on: July 23, 2007, 11:22:37 AM »
Narcograndma?  That's funny hops.  :)

Here are some highlights of my weekend, and a response to Hops and Lighter.

Hops, I've contacted some support groups, but I haven't been to any meetings yet.  I just seem to have so much stuff to do, and there's no time to do everything.  I'm trying to unpack, keep up with normal day to day things, be mom, and I just don't have time for everything.  I get so overwhelmed, and it doesn't help when I don't get enough sleep.  That just makes me testy and crabby too.

Lighter, what you say is so true, so very true. 

So here's the weekend highlights:

Saturday evening, my Harry Potter book finally arrived, and I dove right in.  M and I were getting along pretty good.  The place was totally trashed, and I didn't care.  I was going to clean it up on Sunday, make it look nice.  Put the rest of the books away, etc.  I hadn't felt good Saturday, and I ended up staying up way to late reading Harry.

Sunday morning, I'd planned to go to the flea market so I could talk to my dad.  I really like going to the flea market and buying junk even though I don't need anymore stuff.  I was running late though, and I'd had four hours of sleep.  I was tired and I almost shucked it.  I'd decided to leave M at Grandma's so I could talk to my dad.   My mom called just before we left to tell me that she had to take my father his keys because he'd locked himself out of the car.  I'd almost decided just to take M with me, but I stuck with my original plan.  I took the dog with me, so he could run on the farm and roll and eat nasty stuff.

The talk with my dad was pretty anti-climatic, pretty much, I can't do anything until my lawyer contacts me, and if he doesn't contact me, then I may fire him.  I was pretty disappointed really.   I did mention that I'd found out the bank the collection agency is trying to collect for no longer exists.  The account is out of the statute of limitations for collection in my state, and the creditor is known for shady practices.  Do I think I'm going to get out of this unscathed, not llikely.

So afterward, I went out to my parents house.  I wanted to get more of my stuff, and M wanted stuff too.  I have clothes and shoes in my closet now, although it's also full of boxes.  I haven't started unpacking those yet.  Here's a short list of my mother's comments to me while I was there.

"You think more of that dog than your kid."

"You don't ever talk to me anymore."

"You  never told me he wasn't going to camp this week."  (I did, three times, which I told her, because she had even made comments about him being there with her.)

"M is awfully distant."

"He's turned into a city kid."

"He's getting so bad.  He just gets worse and worse."  (Referring to behavior)

"Why didn't you tell us you had to work we would have come and got him."  (I found out I had to work late, it was for a short time, and M was fine.  I hadn't planned to tell her about this, but M spilled the beans).

"I knew you were going to have a problem with that dog."

There was more, those were just the really good ones.  The first one is a killer.  I wasn't frazzeled when we left.  I'd made the most of the trip and enjoyed what I could, including the dog rolling in something gross.  We went home and had a quick lunch, not a bought lunch, just something easy to fix.  I started the laundry, did some cleaning, sat down to read some more.  By this time, exhaustion crept up on me, and my temper was really short.

M caught the worst.  I took the TV away after I told him for the fourth time to pick up his things in the living room and tidy up his room.  He was mad.  I started unloading the car, and he wouldn't help, even though most of the things were his.  I was mad by now.  He finally decided to help after I pretty much had the car unloaded.  I told him to get his stuff put away.  He pouted.  I was still fuming.  I had an even bigger mess now, and worst of all, I knew my mother would be coming down today to bring M back, so she would be in my house, making comments.

I hadn't gotten anything done, except the laundry and Harry of course.

It was too much.  I just sagged in the middle of the floor.  M and I were both upset at this point.  He said it was all his fault that I was upset.  I told him it wasn't, that it was mine because I was trying to do too much.  I said let's go, go do something.  We went to Big Lots to get some more hangers for the laundry and some other things.  We forgot to turn the TV on so the dog barked.  We came home to another note. 

At that point, I was just demoralized.  The place was still a mess, the dog had been naughty, I was exhausted.  I fixed M something to eat and took the naughty dog for a walk.  Talked to my mother again who wanted me to let M sleep late.

Talked to my brother and lost it on the phone because of all the crap I had heard that I'd managed to not let get to me in th emorning, but by the end of the day had gotten to me.  I felt a little better afterwards.  I picked up some of the mess, sent M to take a bath, I'd given him the TV back for the evening, mostly because I hated the silence, and he didn't even argue when I said it was mine after an hour.  I made him get ready for bed at 9:30.  He was out by 10. 

The dog and I went to bed to read more of Harry.  I'd managed to get the living room a little more presentable, the stacks of books out of the way and the kitchen picked up.

I ended up going to bed late, mostly because I wanted to read.  Got up this morning and read some more over breakfast.

I still have about thirty pages left.
http://tayana.blogspot.com

You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you
really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing you think you cannot
do.
-Elanor Roosevelt