grandparents access to my children (5,12 & 14)

[jillebean]

what is a normal amount of time grandparents mightg spend with grandkids?  also, what is a normal level of gift giving by grandma?  i use the term normal loosely. trying ti be open so that i can work better with husband in this parenting area.

thanks!!

jillebean 

[bigalspal]

Hi JB,
HMMMM. That's a good question! My kids HATE their Ngrandmother. She's my NMother, & NEVER sees my kids. They are adults now, & never ever even ask about her.
I, on the other hand, am a great grandma! My boys (grandbabies) are ages 11 & 6. They live about 2 hrs away, so I don't get to see them on a regular basis. But I usually get them once or twice a month for a 3 day weekend. As far as gift giving goes, I usually give little gifts here and there, unless it's their birthday or Christmas. For instance, the 11 year old & I both have iPod's. When he's here, I let him download 5 or 6 songs. He LOVES that! For the 6 yr old, he likes a small action figure from Wal-Mart. I always make it a point to be fair.
Hope that helps!
Bigalspal

[motheroffour]

Jillibean,

What do you feel is out of balance with your mil?

I struggle with a mil who doesn't want to stop being a mother.  She would be delighted if I just moved over and let her take over all of my roles.  She is a caretaker type and feels that she, within herself, has the power to solve any problem with perfectly made breakfasts and classical music playing and beautifully made beds.  She wants my children anytime she can get her hands on them and often undermines my requests and wishes for their care for her own "more enlightened" methods.   She really doesn't understand the concept of boundaries let alone being able to respect one.  But, at the same time, I don't think she is evil.  I think she is really emotionally immature.

This is a tough one for me, though.  My kids, in the past, have really wanted to go and see their G&G.  They do fun things and have great experiences.  Sometimes it appears harmless......and then I remind myself how emotionally messed up my husband is.  It scares me.  As my children grow, though, I notice that they request to see my parents instead.  They don't really like to visit my N il's as much.

[Certain Hope]

Hi Jillebean,

Welcome!
I think that "normal" is relative and depends on so many contributing factors... not sure I'd recognize it if I saw it.
In fact, I'd be hesitant to try to set a standard of "normalcy" without more info on the personalities involved, because I think of an excuse so often used by our children.... "But so-and-so is doing it!" or  "So-and-so's mom lets her... whatever".

Just a thought about the gift giving, because it strikes a nerve with me.
My late-aunt was infamous for showering my kids with loads of stuff that they neither needed nor valued. I spoke to her directly about this, and yet it continued - more secretively - to the point that she even told my oldest daughter "we won't say anything to mom about this".
This wasn't a Christmas/Birthday issue... it was constantly...  the sort of wedge that no parent needs, imo.

Now I've heard people say - "aww, they're grandparents... let 'em spoil the kids!" But I disagree with that.
To me, if the grandparents do not value the child's own parents' views on child-rearing, then there are far deeper problems than just gift giving and that's where both parents really need to hash it out and agree between themselves what they think is best for THEIR children. Then they can inform their own parents of their decision. Children are not toys for grandparents to spoil like they would a beloved pet.
Responsible involvement in the child's entire life - engaged together with parents for the welfare of that whole child - is what is healthy imo... not just dumping a ton of gifts and letting the parents deal with the consequences.

Again, welcome... and thanks for reading.

Hope

[debkor]

Jillebean,

This is a hard one for me.  I lived with my mom for two years with my kids.  She was totally Gma and never overstepped my parenting or interfered.

She was always giving my kids gifts.  Bring home things she saw at the stores that they might like some big some as small as crayons and coloring books.  That never bothered me. 

But she would never over step anything when my kids would ask G-ma can we do this or can we do that she would say you have to ask your mother.
When they also went to her after I said No she would reinforce your mother said No. 

Now when I was a single parent and my D wanted an American Girl doll (so bad) but never said too much about it because it was only me and I had limited money my mom found out two days before Christmas and had it Fed Expressed in time for Xmas.  She had already brought her Xmas presents.

When we arrived at my sisters house for Xmas my niece came running with her American Girl Doll and I could see the little sad face on my D trying to cover it up.  My mom gave my D her box and when my D opened it there was her American Girl Doll. 

My D is 22 and still has that doll and a very special memory.

So I don't know whats too much?  My parents made up for everything I could not and then more for my children.
They never did without. 

I guess what I am thinking is my mom and dad never tired to buy their love with presents.  The love came natural with or without them.

My children are grown now and go to school full time, work, bought their own cars, pay their own bill, my son lives on his own. 
So although they had everthing growing up it did not effect them with becoming responsible young adults on their own.

I always kept them grounded that money and possession mean nothing.  It's family and love that will be everything and I think they got it. 

The biggest thing my kids felt I believe is they felt loved and secure (even without getting) through family.  If we had nothing I think they still would have felt secure because they had me and extended family that was never going away.

I did notice that they do the same for their friends, family, toys for tots. 
So in my case I have found that with all the giving my children have learned not only to receive but to give out and back what you can and that you should not forget (about people) that it's not all about you.

So I don't know.  I have good experience from this and so did they. 

Deb