intellectual vs. emotional responses

[dandylife]

bigalspal,
Sorry - you weren't on my radar!

I apologize. I was addressing the comments made re: Overcomer's post.

I will have to go back and read about what happened to you.

Just clueless!

I will post later.

Dandylife

[Certain Hope]

Hi Bigalspal,

I don't think that I have a wonderful or dignified way of handling any situation.
All I have is what I'm able to manage at this point in my own discovery of thoughts and feelings.
I'm here to work these things through just like everyone else.

Just so you know (at least I hope you'll take my word for it)... what I've posted here on this thread has nothing to do with you or any of your posts...
it's about some feelings I have about this idea that anyone can read another person's
mind and heart and know what they need.
As I said earlier here and elsewhere on this board...
I don't even know what I need, so I'm sure not going to presume
to be able to fill the needs of others whom I hardly know.

I'm sorry that you feel attacked for having asked a question.
I was sorry about that when it first happened and I expressed that sympathy to you over on the "mental illness" thread, I think it was.
But I didn't "rally around" anyone.
Far as I can tell, I expressed equal care and concern for two posters on this board, both of whom I believed were in need of that support.

As I posted to you then, I hope that you'll continue to share your thoughts and feelings and anything else you'd like to discuss.
I meant it then, and I mean it now... dunno what else I can say to ease this for you.
I just hope this clears up any doubts you may have about my own interest in posting on this thread or any other.

With love,
Hope

P.S.  I am pretty sure that you and I each got something totally different out of Dandylife's previous post, but I don't want to confuse things further by trying to explain that now...   just please believe me that I didn't interpret her post as having anything to do with you. Thanks for listening.

[bigalspal]

Dandylife,
I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hurt you. I thought you haad been reading the thread.
I'm looking forward to hearing from you.
Bigalspal

[dandylife]

bigalspal,
I just went back through that thread and see you came in with post #69 where you mentioned the comment your mom made to you about wishing she'd aborted you.

You were responding to OC talking about an irrational act. And this is where OC said the "insane" comment, which Write then responded to.

I think you just were in the wrong place at the wrong time, bigalspal.

Write seems to be commenting on the "insane" statement and how those diagnosed as mentally ill will likely be offended at a comment like that.

Write later said that the abortion issue is a separate and difficult issue. But i'm not seeing an "attack" on you, nor would one make sense.

I'm sorry - am I missing it??? Please tell me.

Aside from all that, I'd like to say, like a few others did - that the comment your mom made was a horrendous one with diminishes you and has got to make you feel....all sorts of things. I wouldn't dream of even trying to guess how it made you feel. You have every right to those feelings of anger and hurt. I'm so sorry that happened to you.

And, the to address what I said in my earlier post about Oc's responses. I truly meant it. I remember reading through the thread as it was happening and thinking she was doing a good job of keeping to task, asking the same question over again when people went off the topic, etc. I just thought it was elegant. I wasn't commenting on anything or anyone else or their lack of elegance. I really didn't think that way.

Hope you forgive me for triggering bad feelings in you. It wasn't my intention and I hope to get to know you better.

Dandylife

[bigalspal]

Hi CH,
I apologized to Dandylife. I just assumed she/he was following the thread.
CH, maybe I am being paranoid. Goodness knows I could be, I realize that!
But once you've been attacked as a newbie, it's hard to trust anybody on this board.
Can you see what I mean? I think it might be a good idea for people to use emoticons to show what emotion they are trying to post. Not a lot, but maybe a few here & there. It's so hard to get a bead on what the emotion is behind what someone was saying, if you can't see their face.
I'll tell you CH, this is EXACTLY why I think we need a "Newbies Corner".
You are very calm person, I'm not. Maybe you weren't before you got here or maybe before I started posting, but it's gonna take awhile for me to be calm. I've never had any kind of therapy, no help at all. Heck, I didn't even know what this N thing was until I found this board.
I think I just figured out why I was triggered. The poster that attacked me sounded just like my NMother scolding me! And the ones who wouldn't call him/her on it, sounded just like my family who would take her side, even tho she was dead wrong.
Wow! That's why it's so important to be kind. I know I've been upset regarding the attack, but go back & read my responses to other people's pain. You can see I'm a caring person.
Being new & being attacked, freaked me out. So, please EVERYONE, be nice to the NEWBIE!
Bigalspal
 

[Ami]

What I did that really helped me to deal with  the board was to find one person who I respected and PM them when I need to really vent about something happening on the board. That way, I can get a viewpoint that I trust and can better deal with the situation.
  For new members, that might help them to navigate their way when their feelings get hurt.
   I could not have made it through without this friend .                              Love   Ami

[bigalspal]

Ami,
Good advice! I wish I would've just PM my friend when I felt I was attacked. Maybe I could've gotten a better perspective on this. 
Love,
Bigalspal

[bigalspal]

Hi Dandylife,
I just read your post & I thought about it & yes I KINDA think I was being attacked.
The poster (Write) was very, shall we say, snippy at the very least. That hurt. I'm new and that was the LAST thing I needed. I apologized directly to her, but she has not to me. That hurts, too.
I realize people need to "say their piece" or whatever, but at the expense of others?
Isn't that what we put up with from our N partners/family?
I would never dream of doing that.
I had rose colored glasses on when I got to this board.
I know we are all human, but we ALL have been through hurt & dismissal of our thoughts & ideas.
WHY, would we want to do it on this board?
Maybe others might think "give her time, she'll do it too". Lord, I hope not.
Stating ones opinion does not have to be at anyone's expense. 'Saying one's piece" can be done in a nice way. I really do think that the Newbie & the Oldtimer are in very different places.
That's not a bad thing, it's a REAL thing.
Bigalspal   

[lighter]

So, please EVERYONE, be nice to the NEWBIE!
Bigalspal
 

::Offering Bigaslpal Chocolate and a hug::.

[bigalspal]

Thanks Lighter!
I LOVE chocolate! 
The HUGS, I'm working on. As most of you might have went through, My NMother did not hug. I remember the first time we hugged.
I was an adult & I reached out to put my arms around her & she stayed stiff as a board.
It was really freaky in a way. I've hugged people I really didn't care for, but I could fake it.
Not her. She was sooo stiff!
So, the only person I'm comfortable with is my husband. He's a big teddy bear kinda guy. He WILL hug you. Oh, he's furry like one, too! Some women don't like that, but I love it. He's so warm.
I remember (I hope I wasn't supposed to start a NEW THREAD?)  him telling me I wasn't very nurturing when he's sick. I thought about it & he was right. My NMother was not patient (no pun intended) when you were sick. Enter the "get over it" trigger).
I really have tried hard to change that. I remember just toughing it out at school, because I KNEW my NMother would NOT come and get me from the nurses office unless forced to..
You really do pactice what you learn.
I should add I LOVED to hug my kids & grandbabies when they were young, but they are too old for that now.  But I sure took advantage of it when they were younger! Kisses & Hugs abounded.
Love,
Bigalspal

[Certain Hope]

Hi again, Bigalspal,

I understand and I do see what you mean, yes.

Also, I agree completely with Dandylife's assessment of what happened on that other thread.
It seemed to me a matter of being "in the wrong place at the wrong time" = a misunderstanding.

That is bound to happen here in this environment where we can't see each other's body language or facial expressions.

About the emoticons... I used to use them all the time. I kinda saw that as one aspect of my people-pleasing/gotta make everybody like me
attitude. There is a point, I've seen, where an awful lotta vinegar hides behind those smiley faces, so I try not to use them unless I'm actually
smiling while I type. I'm not smiling now.... I'm working really hard to understand and to be understood.

About the Newbies Corner idea...
I have to say that if I had not experienced these sort of misunderstandings and done the work it takes to get beyond them,
well...I'm just not sure any of us would grow beyond the newbie phase without this sort of exposure. From what I've seen and experienced here on this board,
the majority of posters go above and beyond the call of duty to welcome each newcomer and make that person feel welcome.
But there's no guarantee that these things won't happen...misunderstandings, I mean. In fact, I'd say that they're even more likely
if we tried to segregate newcomers into a special safety zone, apart from the rest of the group.
This place works, just as it is, in my opinion.

And Bigalspal, I am not a calm person by nature   Yes, I really smiled.   
You're talking with a woman who once punched a hole through a dashboard with her high-heeled shoe.
And I hold no expectations of you to be calm... no demands... no offense from me if you're not calm.
Okay?  I realize that you need to be right where you are in order to take the steps to get where you're going.

I understand what you've written about the situation that triggered you.
Being scolded can have that same effect on me, too! Whether I let it show or not, it's there.
The thing is, I know that sometimes I hear scolding where there is none... and knowing that, I can hold off and
not react... because I might have interpreted the thing as "scolding" and taken it personally when it was
just another individual expressing whatever he/she had on his heart.
It takes practice to step outside of it all when emotions are raging.
I don't expect anyone else to be at that place just because I'm finally getting the dawning of that realization.
It wasn't long ago that I'd crawl back into my shell at the slightest hint of any conflict.
Like I said, everybody's different... and we each walk through this at our own pace.

I'll sure try to match step with you through this, Bigalspal.
And I don't think a bit less of you for having expressed yourself here however you needed to at this time.
That's from my heart

Love,
Hope

[bigalspal]

Hi CH,
I guess I feel I need to say this again.
I believe she WAS scolding me. I don't believe I should or can back down from this one.
I know you are just trying to help.
But, it really was out of line. I guess I'm done with accepting someone else's blame.
About the emoticons. You are right. Just because I use them to express what I'm feeling, does not mean someone else will. It's like that old 70's song "Smiling Faces". They might use them in a very nasty way.
And I'll argue another point regarding my idea of a Newbie Corner.
When I first came here, I didn't NEED that kind of confrontation to move ahead. All it did was hurt me. It did not make me stronger. Then the hurt turned to anger! That's not good because then emotions really do take over. So, no, I don't agree with you on that one. But, that's OK cause they way we are communicating about this is very healthy for me, as a Newbie. I don't feel like you are hurting or scolding me in anyway. I really appreciate that. But when an oldtimer gets SNIPPY, that's not gonna be taken very well be someone who is too new to understand what is going on. This idea might never come to fruition, (Newbie Corner), but just maybe an oldtimer & a Newbie can get off on better footing.
Love,
Bigalspal

[Certain Hope]

Hi Bigalspal,

Thank you.
I'm very glad that you know I'm not trying to hurt or scold you in anyway and it's fine with me that we agree to disagree.

I need to add (and I hope that you don't take offense - but I'm going to say it anyway, because I'd feel derelict not to)...
I believe that everyone has the capacity to get snippy.
I'm not saying that anyone did in this instance.
I'm only saying that I feel it's to be expected from time to time that people - "old" and "new" alike - will have moments which will rub others of us the wrong way. If we don't make allowances for other people to be the frail and faulty human beings they are, there will be no end to our hurts and disappointments. There are no experts here.

With love,
Hope

[lighter]

I think to ask posters to post in a certain way is creating an atmosphere built on control and a BPD-esque "you should know what I'm thinking".

Celebrate differences, celebrate opionions.

This is what we live for as humans who relate to each other as communicators.

When someone floats a thought on the board, it's asking, pleading for other thoughts to be shared.

That's exactly why we're here, right?

Dandylife

I don't think you're the first one to share this with us but..... I'll chime in and say......

 Hear, hear, Dandylife.

I depend on receiving different views from this board.  It's a bit like having cabinet members, really, lol.  

If I want a particular type of opinion, I can ask a particular poster for their input.  

I know who's likely to post warm and fuzzy, and who's not, lets face it.

Everyone has their strengths and lately..... I've needed intellectual strategies and facts.  

It wouldn't be productive if everyone I depend on to be pragmatic, all  the sudden stopped posting pragmatic and went all warm and fuzzy on me: /

I may not always like what I hear, but I certainly can respect someone's honesty (if they take the time to share it.)  

I can always take what I want and leave the rest.  No poster's feelings are any more important here than another's..... or at least they shouldn't be?

I've got no problem with a poster asking another poster to please stop posting to them, either.

Seems reasonable enough.  

Sometimes people just don't click or they're message isn't what the other needs to hear?

I would, however, think it a bit odd if they continued to post their 'honest' opinion without the expectation they would responded to with honesty, in kind, lol.  

::Jumping off here::.... sorry it's in response to your post,  Dandylife.  Nothing to do with you..... I think, lol.    

I'm not sure who posted about 'the mean people hurting people' on the board.  Something like that.

I'm afraid I can't keep up with exactly who said what with so many things going on with this thread.  

I can't make heads or tails of who the meanies are supposed to be and who's the victims are and in what time frame, with respect to old disputes/misunderstandings and current ones and on which threads.  Sorry .  

I don't read every post on the threads I post on, to add more confusion on my part.

Any poster who feels they need to point out behavior they dislike may feel free to receive honesty in return, or choose to stop posting with a poster as an alternative, IMO.  

There are no rules that everyone must get along at all times.  

I've worked through HUGE personality clashes and triggers with posters I perceived to be the 'meanies' on other boards.  

I gotta admit, it was 4 years before we could get along but we mostly left each other alone between clashes but.....we eventaully stopped judging one another.  

It wasn't that we didn't agree with each other, so much, we simply disliked each others deliveries and I certainly questioned her motives, (which seemed to be hurting newbies and driving them away about 6 posts into their first thread .)  

Ticked me off.  

You can imagine I said so, lol.  

Ad nauseum.

Through those struggles we came to  admit we shared beliefs.... became more tolerant of each others wounds and triggers.  

My ignorance and idealism stopped leading me.  

Her abusive childhood trauma stopped ruling her (and driving away newbies.)  

I learned from her far superior experience and knowledge.... despite her offensive delivery.  

Maybe bc of it, in part.  

Certainly got my attention, lol.  

This is a support board.  

There should be no debates.  

Discussions should rule but.... one man's discussion is another man's attack, in my experience.  

[lighter]

I want to add to that last "rant" that if I've mixed up WHO POSTED WHAT & gotten the NAMES of the posters wrong, I appologize.
I didn't mean to do that. It's hard for me to keep up.
Bigalspal

Honestly.... I think you're doing surprisingly well.  I still don't have everyone straight Pal, lol.