Author Topic: New Eyes, but not really. Just unfamiliar.....Gentle rant warning....  (Read 1945 times)

lighter

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Today....

I walked around the house and enjoyed touching and admiring things I've collected and lovingly put in place,

or just thrown there in a panic.  Mostly thrown, I suppose.

::shrug::. 

Tried not to judge myself for not caring more, spending more time and working harder on pulling it all together and finishing things up. 

I didn't critique anything or pick anything up or pay attention to the 100 things that I could have addressed,

that need doing. 

I stayed focused on this task of looking around and seeing what there was to admire and enjoy in my life. 

Usually, I go from one thing to another, a little frantically, and don't accomplish much. 

I understand this in myself... I think it's a lack of executive function skills.... some adhd stuff. 

::shrug:: 

It's me and I have strengths and weaknesses. 

No sense beating myself up for the weaknesses. 

I'll rally in the ninth hour and accomplish 3 days of work in 5 hours... brilliantly, with economy of motion and that's what it takes for me to focus. 

Do you recognize that, Write?   

Is it just me?

 I have to have no time to dither about and get sidetracked with this or that thing or memory or project.... whatever. 

It's a do or die shot of chemicals that gets me moving, I think. 

Can people BUY these chemicals? 

I wouldn't know. 

I haven't asked. 

I've been winging it my whole life. 

Acting like I don't need help, everything in my world's under control.  Heh.


I opened a bottle of wine and poured a finger, into a very nice glass.  Chardonnay. 

The red wines would make my teeth all dark and icky these days. 

When did that start happening?

I sip and smell, sip and smell. 

Look around. 

Wish for a yummy candle to light and fill the house with fragrance I love. 

I have none.

Well, I'm not going out but... I wish I had milk too. 

I'm not going out.

I won't drink a glass of wine today and probably won't drink the bottle before it goes off.  ::shrug:: 

I have to ignore that fact and stay in the moment. 

Enjoying what I do have and not worrying about the rest right now. 

Avoiding, sidestepping guilt gingerly. 

Refusing to address it.

I put a movie on.... background noise and company. 

It could have been music, lots of kinds.... usually dance, electronic or salso, but..... it's Pirates of the Carribean this time. 

All this may seem trivial to you. 

And I suppose it is.

I purchased very good skin care products a couple days ago. 

I used them this morning. 

For the first time. 

All this came about because I've been blowing so hard lately, about doing and growing and striving.....

I felt compelled to force myself....

 into DOING it today. 

Don't want to be a complete hypocrit, do I, lol?

A good thing...::nodding::  yes. 

I sit, legs curled up beneath me, playing with my posture.... ::Chin out, back bent... headache comes::. 

::straighten back, chin in, head ache goes:: 

The thing is.... it's comfortable and habit to sit in my normal posture. 

I correct it, usually, when it causes me pain and distress.

The same happened in all but one of the relationships I've broken off. 

And I broke them all off. 

Because the pain of staying was worse than the pain of going.  Yikes.  Now there's a statement. 
 

::looking around, surprised to see lovely glass of wine within reach, taking it::

::straitening back, pulling back chin, breathing deeply without discomfort and enjoying it::

I think I may do something physical today. 

Not sure but..... I'll picture it for a while, Ami..... and see if it becomes more attractive.

::nodding::

I know what it takes to get moving. 

I've had years of working out at elite levels, and loving it. 

Not dreading it, like today. 

P r o c r a s t i n a t i o n is not my friend, lol. 

New mantra.

Now...... it's all I can do to pace on the phone and not get winded. 

And I do get winded. 

That's a hard place for me to be in. 

However will I get myself out? 

After a week and a half of marathon, truly marathon, eating my way through stress.

Any suggestions?

I'll go check on the rice and duck I have cooking, and smelling divine, downstairs. 

A nice chicken bases sauce and truffle oil will round it out decadently.  ::shiver:: 

Mmmmm..... pleasure. 

Nice.

This is such a strange place to be. 


I've never cooked for just me before. 

Have I? 


I don't think so. 

It's like walking through someone else's dream. 

Doing these things for self. 

I didn't plan any of this. 

I just started walking through the house and doing things that I knew I would enjoy, if I did them. 

If I'd planned this, it wouldn't have happened. 

Alchemy.... whisps of smoke and it's there or it's not. 

There.

Gone again. 

Why?

It's here now.  I know I have to do it till it's a habit. 

Drats. 

Not easy. 

::biting finger nail::

How to sustain it?

::sigh::

I love the music in Pirates. 

What would it be without that music?

It's like changing a lense on a camera. 

I see things differently, ,when I mindfully look around, and pay attention. 

Looking out the window made me smile because the sun surprised me and made me happy. 

I usually don't notice the sun much. 

Do you?




« Last Edit: July 22, 2007, 10:36:45 AM by lighter »

Hopalong

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CK?

Wow. I do have a nice bottle of wine. Get frustrated because half-bottles are hard to come by. Maybe I'll drink a toast to the board.

Lighter, I'll support you in getting a grip on emotional eating...I am working on that one too. Gained 20 lbs in the last 2 years. And I am about to start exercising after 6 months of serious neglect. Huff, puff.

Tonight I meet my friend at a wonderful Indian restaurant (a la carte for me and no wine, I'll have it here first) and then we go see Hairspray. Should be fun. Or is it Shampoo? The Travolta one.

Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

Ami

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Dear Lighter,
  I would so like to help you and be of service to you,but I can't really understand what you are asking OR if you are asking anything. Maybe you just want to share your perceptions today. If that is so--- I wish you joy and happiness as you 'live in the moment" and enjoy the sensory pleasures of life    Love     
                                                                                                                                         Ami
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.        Eleanor Roosevelt

Most of our problems come from losing contact with our instincts,with the age old wisdom stored within us.
   Carl Jung

isittoolate

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Well lighter,

The first question that comes to mind is about a finger of wine. Is the finger horizontal or vertical?

You must feel very calm when you are writing these epistles. You appear so. I might try this sometime, writing every thought and action.

Ami. Can you not understand what lighter is saying? doing? .......read more slowly and think.

I just opened a Woody's Pink Grapefruit @ 330 ml. 4 per carton.

I don't have many  places to wander or anything to put in place. Everything is always in place so it is not in my way. All I have is a partially filled box od DVDs o my sofa, and don't know where to put this box, as all the other DVDs are in my desk drawers. Out of room there.

I took the legs off my coffee table and have a long slab that I can put under my desk to cover up all the wires etc. for my two computers Wow it looks neater, as though it came that way, and guess what? I don't need a coffee table. That is my world and one my siblings will see.

Weight? I never exercise, eh? and let's say I gained 10# a year. Well I would now weiigh 380 pounds plus my original 130, Yikes! 510# I cannot stand on a scale but I would say about 140 now.

A day at home, I 'wander' from my computer desk, to the dining table (where I take 2-3 puffs on a cig) or into  the kitchen for food. I keep a bottle of water on my desk.

I do my own thing, whenever: did some work for which I am paid, today, checked in here, and my Music site. I post lyrics there where we all critique one another's. Sometimes I am into lyrics all day.

I just wrote this ramble and it doesn't sound as peaceful as lighter's.

Poop!

xx
Izzy

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« Last Edit: July 21, 2007, 04:06:45 PM by isittoolate »

lighter

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CK?


Hops


Yup yup yup DucK!  And it was sooooo goooooood.  I'm still amazed at how much I love truffle oil and some can't stomach it. 

I invited a friend over for leftovers this evening, the one that reminds me of Izzy.  She doesn't like duck so I guess I'll have to eat the rest for her and we'll share the rest of the rice and yummy sauce. 

Nice you have an evening planned with a friend too.  The movie's Hairspray, lol.  I think Shampoo was one about a hairdresser bad boy in the 70's?  Not sure but..... I've had a bit of a setback and must now clean up a broken wine glass. 

That's ok...... enjoy your evening: )


lighter

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Well lighter,

The first question that comes to mind is about a finger of wine. Is the finger horizontal or vertical?

You must feel very calm when you are writing these epistles. You appear so. I might try this sometime, writing every thought and action.

Ami. Can you not understand what lighter is saying? doing? .......read more slowly and think.

I just opened a Woody's Pink Grapefruit @ 330 ml. 4 per carton.

I don't have many  places to wander or anything to put in place. Everything is always in place so it is not in my way. All I have is a partially filled box od DVDs o my sofa, and don't know where to put this box, as all the other DVDs are in my desk drawers. Out of room there.

I took the legs off my coffee table and have a long slab that I can put under my desk to cover up all the wires etc. for my two computers Wow it looks neater, as though it came that way, and guess what? I don't need a coffee table. That is my world and one my siblings will see.

Weight? I never exercise, eh? and let's say I gained 10# a year. Well I would now weiigh 380 pounds plus my original 130, Yikes! 510# I cannot stand on a scale but I would say about 140 now.

A day at home, I 'wander' from my computer desk, to the dining table (where I take 2-3 puffs on a cig) or into  the kitchen for food. I keep a bottle of water on my desk.

I do my own thing, whenever: did some work for which I am paid, today, checked in here, and my Music site. I post lyrics there where we all critique one another's. Sometimes I am into lyrics all day.

I just wrote this ramble and it doesn't sound as peaceful as lighter's.

Poop!

xx
Izzy

Hey Izzy:

The finger of wine IN THIS CASE is horizontal, lol.  I'd just go ahead and admit it was a full glass if it was vertical, lol; )

I am very relaxed and amazed at my precariouse state of happiness when I write these running trail of thoughts and actions down. 

I want it to LAST, Izzy!  I want other people to see how it's done and have some too, lol. 

I forgot, selfish me, that you were preparing for company. 

Preparing for guests affords me some of my most high energy time.  It sounds like you have it under control early.  I'd be racing about at the last minute like mad up till they arrived.

I sometimes want to write a song or two on the board but so far, they're not really fit for board consumption, lol.  At some point, we'll start a thread and do that.  I'm still a little too unhappy at my N to think cleverly about lyrics at this point.  It'll come, lol.

I like the idea of not seeing a bunch of wires under your computer...... very neat. 

What is Woody's Pink Grapefruit?  I love grapefruit but not sure if Woody likes alcohol, or not, lol. 




lighter

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Dear Lighter,
  I would so like to help you and be of service to you,but I can't really understand what you are asking OR if you are asking anything.   Ami

It was a rhetorical question, Ami. 

My dilemma reminded me of something you said in one of your posts.  About visualizing yourself being or doing something.  I don't think it would help get me back on track with eating healthy and excercising.... though I wish it could, lol. 

isittoolate

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For lighter.

Woody's is vodka and grapefruit, just 5%
=========================
here is a song and my wires are (or aren't) at the end

1.)
Not having you is Havin' It All
Got the kids, the house and we're standing tall
Big screen TV, the car and remotes
No more breathin'g your second-hand smoke
Answer to no one but myself
Got more space on the bathroom shelf
Got the king-sized bed the whole night long
I'm Havin' It All since you've been gone.

CH)
Your fighting was hostile, I fought a clean fight
I saw how you were wrong, you tho’t you always were right
Why you lied now is clear, the fog’s disappeared
You dropped the ball, I made the call
I’m Havin’ it all….
I’m Havin’ it all


2.)
I can pay the bills and so much more
Jugglin' a job and the household chores
Raising kids is fine without you
I'm totally spent when the day is through
I relax with a soda, pretend it's champagne
Chips are my caviar and I'm free from pain
Marrying you was such a mistake
I'm Having It All while easing the ache!

CH)
Your fighting was hostile, I fought a clean fight
I saw how you were wrong, you tho’t you always were right
Why you lied now is clear, the fog’s disappeared
You dropped the ball, I made the call
I’m Havin’ it all….
I’m Havin’ it all

I'm Having it All


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lighter

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Wow Izzy. 

That was....... something.  Like I said.... someday I'll break out in lyrics about my N but..... no time really soon bc I can't find any humor in it yet.  Everything I find myself chanting is caveman simple and blunt, lol. 

You're place looks a lot like a little condo I used to live in.  Lot's a nice monochromatic neurtrals... peaceful and clean.  In fact... my whole house now is painted a similar color, come to think of it, lol.

Is that drink of yours sweetie sweet or pretty dry?
 

isittoolate

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Hi
Thank you muchly. Glad you like.

That drink is a bit on the grapefruit side--- not dry but it's wet.

Yes the two pictures are dfferent and did you notice the bottom one so much better when I covered the wires?---plus I switched the chair and TV. This is an apt. All that floor space is needed for my chair. No coffee table even, now clicking on pic make them larger.

I'm gonna give you a melodic link to one of mine.  It was on here a long time ago.

http://www.voicelessness.com/disc3//index.php?topic=4075.0

The line on my daughter's Wedding picture is a fold, as I took it to the therapist before I tossed the wedding album, then scanned this before I tossed it---with her permission. She has her own supply.

xx
Izzy

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« Last Edit: July 21, 2007, 08:19:41 PM by isittoolate »

lighter

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Izzy, YVW.

Liked the song, yes.

Also, the picture with the wires covered didn't include the things hanging on the wall so it was doubly clean and crisp looking.

I'm afraid those words are a bit beyond my grasp right now.  I'm striving for functional and minimalist, which is sorta a joke at this point, but I try.

I don't blame you for getting rid of your dd's wedding photo.  Just brings up bile to remember that time in your lives.  Scanning it and letting it go was good.  I have a hard time letting THINGS go.  Very sentimental I am.  I think I'm responsible for keeping all the family junk 'treasures' or something.  Great Grandma Rowdenbushe's teacart Grandpa Blau's false teeth, lol.  Not that bad but, pretty bad; ) 

::listening to That Damned Truck::

heh.... however will get the picture of Izzy's one gal band out of my mind, lol?   

Cymbals and a banjo a strummin..... I know NOTHING about music, butt.... that's what you were playing as you shrugged your shoulders manically and sang your little heart out, lol; )