Today....
I walked around the house and enjoyed touching and admiring things I've collected and lovingly put in place,
or just thrown there in a panic. Mostly thrown, I suppose.
::shrug::.
Tried not to judge myself for not caring more, spending more time and working harder on pulling it all together and finishing things up.
I didn't critique anything or pick anything up or pay attention to the 100 things that I could have addressed,
that need doing.
I stayed focused on this task of looking around and seeing what there was to admire and enjoy in my life.
Usually, I go from one thing to another, a little frantically, and don't accomplish much.
I understand this in myself... I think it's a lack of executive function skills.... some adhd stuff.
::shrug::
It's me and I have strengths and weaknesses.
No sense beating myself up for the weaknesses.
I'll rally in the ninth hour and accomplish 3 days of work in 5 hours... brilliantly, with economy of motion and that's what it takes for me to focus.
Do you recognize that, Write?
Is it just me?
I have to have no time to dither about and get sidetracked with this or that thing or memory or project.... whatever.
It's a do or die shot of chemicals that gets me moving, I think.
Can people BUY these chemicals?
I wouldn't know.
I haven't asked.
I've been winging it my whole life.
Acting like I don't need help, everything in my world's under control. Heh.
I opened a bottle of wine and poured a finger, into a very nice glass. Chardonnay.
The red wines would make my teeth all dark and icky these days.
When did that start happening?
I sip and smell, sip and smell.
Look around.
Wish for a yummy candle to light and fill the house with fragrance I love.
I have none.
Well, I'm not going out but... I wish I had milk too.
I'm not going out.
I won't drink a glass of wine today and probably won't drink the bottle before it goes off. ::shrug::
I have to ignore that fact and stay in the moment.
Enjoying what I do have and not worrying about the rest right now.
Avoiding, sidestepping guilt gingerly.
Refusing to address it.
I put a movie on.... background noise and company.
It could have been music, lots of kinds.... usually dance, electronic or salso, but..... it's Pirates of the Carribean this time.
All this may seem trivial to you.
And I suppose it is.
I purchased very good skin care products a couple days ago.
I used them this morning.
For the first time.
All this came about because I've been blowing so hard lately, about doing and growing and striving.....
I felt compelled to force myself....
into DOING it today.
Don't want to be a complete hypocrit, do I, lol?
A good thing...::nodding:: yes.
I sit, legs curled up beneath me, playing with my posture.... ::Chin out, back bent... headache comes::.
::straighten back, chin in, head ache goes::
The thing is.... it's comfortable and habit to sit in my normal posture.
I correct it, usually, when it causes me pain and distress.
The same happened in all but one of the relationships I've broken off.
And I broke them all off.
Because the pain of staying was worse than the pain of going. Yikes. Now there's a statement.
::looking around, surprised to see lovely glass of wine within reach, taking it::
::straitening back, pulling back chin, breathing deeply without discomfort and enjoying it::
I think I may do something physical today.
Not sure but..... I'll picture it for a while, Ami..... and see if it becomes more attractive.
::nodding::
I know what it takes to get moving.
I've had years of working out at elite levels, and loving it.
Not dreading it, like today.
P r o c r a s t i n a t i o n is not my friend, lol.
New mantra.
Now...... it's all I can do to pace on the phone and not get winded.
And I do get winded.
That's a hard place for me to be in.
However will I get myself out?
After a week and a half of marathon, truly marathon, eating my way through stress.
Any suggestions?
I'll go check on the rice and duck I have cooking, and smelling divine, downstairs.
A nice chicken bases sauce and truffle oil will round it out decadently. ::shiver::
Mmmmm..... pleasure.
Nice.
This is such a strange place to be.
I've never cooked for just me before.
Have I?
I don't think so.
It's like walking through someone else's dream.
Doing these things for self.
I didn't plan any of this.
I just started walking through the house and doing things that I knew I would enjoy, if I did them.
If I'd planned this, it wouldn't have happened.
Alchemy.... whisps of smoke and it's there or it's not.
There.
Gone again.
Why?
It's here now. I know I have to do it till it's a habit.
Drats.
Not easy.
::biting finger nail::
How to sustain it?
::sigh::
I love the music in Pirates.
What would it be without that music?
It's like changing a lense on a camera.
I see things differently, ,when I mindfully look around, and pay attention.
Looking out the window made me smile because the sun surprised me and made me happy.
I usually don't notice the sun much.
Do you?
