Do you feel lucky to be alive? (your experiences)

[debkor]

Big,

I can't share either with N parents but can share with X.

Am I lucky to be alive?  I would have to say yes and no.  I'm not sure if I had luck or divine intervention. 
I should have been shot but gun was in the car hidden and the car door locks broke and would not open when X went berserk trying to get in.  Was night and there was a night crew working construction so they heard his yells and my screams.  He went running.  Again luck or divine intervention.

Was I in the right place at the wrong time?  Was I in the wrong place at the right time?

Don't know.

Doors eventually opened for me where I found the gun.  Called the police turned it in.  Which is a whole story in itself.
He went to Jail not for the night with me but for some major crimes that no one Knew Of except the FBI and they did not know his identity.  The gun was the Link to who was the person.

Was this meant to be?  Was it luck?  Was it divine intervention.  Don't know.

But I'm sure glad I'm still here. 
And I'm glad you are too.

Deb

[Certain Hope]

Pal,

I feel blessed to be alive... and that's still a fairly new feeling for me.
All that came before seems like an endless maze... struggling to make something of value... and then to keep it, only to have it crumble away because I couldn't be good enough or right enough to hold it together.

My mother loves to retell the story of my birth. She and my dad had my brother about 2 years into their marriage... and then, ten years later, I came along (allegedly as a result of ongoing efforts  )   The  is because I don't buy that part.
 I don't believe that my mother really wanted another child. I feel that she only aquiesced to popular demand.
But anyway... here I came - at high Noon - preceded by severe bleeding and major trauma to my poor suffering mother and all of the doctors whose lunch hour was interrupted. Her Rh factor created the need for blood transfusions, as I recall, along with numerous other gory details. She seems to love to repeat this story at each of my birthdays. Now that I live 1,000 miles away, she's limited to saying "I remember where I was  X # of years ago..."  at which point I immediately say, "Oh, here, one of your grandchildren wants to say hi."  Yup yup - my mother and I are both lucky to be alive. Translated - I owe her my undying allegiance into eternity. Somehow, my birth elevated her status to that of goddess and relegated me to the realm of shadows, where I wasn't allowed to exist unless I was dutifully reflecting her glory.

And that's all I have to say about that 

I hope this doesn't sound like an expression of pity, but I am sorry that your mother was so devoid of humanity that she was able to say to you what you said. Absence of humanity manifests in many forms, but they all lie. Meeting Jesus has been the greatest discovery of truth in my life. Because of Him, I can say that I'm blessed to be alive.

With love,
Hope






 

[bigalspal]

Hi Hops, Deb & Hope,
Thanks for sharing your stories. Look like we have a lot in common.
You know, I used to think I HAD to be the only one that's experienced this type of pain. But now I know I'm not.
I don't know if that's a good thing or not. 
I'm sad for all of us.
But at least we can release it by talking to each other.
Thanks so much,
Love,
Bigalspal

[isittoolate]

Hi Bigal

I guess your mother's words about wishing she had an abortion are what brought about this thread? That is her and has nothing to do with your life. Can you see that?

My mother told me that after I was born, the doctor came in to check on her, then drove himself off a brige/killed himself! What did that have to do with me? Nothing! It was in his own head, just like your mother's ideas were in her own head, and you are now able to build your own life.

I think that everyone who is alive is probably thankful, per se, but then there are those with problems, emotional and physical

I have both. I am a paraplegic and have been for 38 years. If I were not happy to be alive, I would have done myself in long ago.

But I have a daughter. I never thought about suicide and even though when she was in her 20s, her N kicked me away from them and 2 grandchildren. He convinced her it was the right thing to do. I still, as heartbroken as I was, with nothing ahead for me but to keep on keeping on, kept on.  I am a survivor. I don't give up. I am now 68 and have no one, but will see life through with my work and other things.

Ns
father
sister
ex soin-in-law*****
one of my own--left him 5 years ago.
my eldest grandson, 20, from living with his Dad.*****


Regards
Izzy

[lighter]

I am going to say something that I don't mean to start controversy about at all. It is just my impression and i would be interested in others' answers. I think that it is till in line with the thread.
   However,I think that the erosion of your psyche is worse with an N mother(parent) than with an N spouse. it seems that the people with N parents have that much more of a higher hill that they have climb  just to be  anywhere near normal.
 

Ami..... I've seen you post that you thought your core self was in tact till you were 14yo?  

Did your Grandmother help your mother raise you till you were a certain age?
 

[bigalspal]

Hi Izzy,
Thanks for sharing with me.
I do see what you mean about it being her thing, not mine.
My head knows it, but my heart is trying to catch up.
I have faith that it will.
I want to tell you that I think you are an amazing person. You are dealing with a lot of stuff.
I can see where you are coming from. You are very strong!
I know not seeing those grandbabies really hurt. I'm glad you didn't think about suicide.
Izzy, I know this is weird coming from me. Especially since I posted this topic, but I don't want to kill myself either. I really don't. Somewhere deep inside is a spark of life. It burns the brightest when I'm with those that I love. I look at MY grandbabies pictures everyday & tell them that grandma is getting better. I don't think they notice the pain I'm in. They are very young. Who knows, they might feel it. But, when I am with them, I keep it upbeat.
They should never have to bear my pain.
Anyway, thanks Izzy,
Love,
Bigalspal

[isittoolate]

Thank you BAP

When I was with the grandchildren, one for 4½ years and one for 2 years, (there are now three and they are 20, 18 and 15----long forgotten, let alone remembered, are the Grandma days of when they were little) they made me so happy and kept me so busy that I had NO time to think of any early wrongs that had happened to me.

I believe that anything we carry around within us can be eminated outward and 'absorbed' by some people, babies too, depending on the situation. Yes, the babies need not absorb your pain.,

That is scapegoating, to unload on another.

My siblings used me to absorb their wrongdoings. (My eldesr sister told me that last year.) They were all redheads and I was brown. I didn't belong!!

People can so intentionally hurt, even though they don't KNOW that they are being intentional!!
Love
Izzy

[Ami]

Dear Lighter,
   My grandmother lived in my town. I did not live with her ,but I visited all the time. At 14. I lost my group of friends b/c they got in to drugs. I lost my whole support system in one instant and I was left with my mother. Then ,  I asked my F,"Is there something wrong with her or is it my imagination". He said that I was imagining it. Then, I lost my connection to myself.
                                                                                                           Love  Ami

[isittoolate]

Ami,

Why would you lose your Grandma when you lost the dope addicted friends. Was grandma the supplier? Were you taking drugs?
How could all this happen at once?
How couldy your mother be okay until you were 14 , then turn on you when you lost your drug friends and Grandma?
There must be more to this tale.
Izzy

[lighter]

Ami:

Why were you left alone with her all at once?  

Did you lose your grandmother at the same time your friends went their own way?

So nice that you felt so supported up to 14.  Did you feel like your mother focused on you more when you were without supports, or did you just become more vulnerable to her hurtful behavior?

[Ami]

Dear Lighter,
   My grandmother moved to my town when I was in third grade. I did not lose her. However,my friends were my support system. I lost all my friends at one time. I still had my grandmother.However,my friends were more than just friends.I spent time at their homes and was part of their lives. I was valued by their families . I lost all of it. I still had my grandmother--but  that was all . My grandmother . also, would never tell the truth about my mother . So, everyone was lying. My friends were an outlet where I could be  whole and tell the truth, I guess.                                                     Love  Ami

[Overcomer]

My mom never really told me she did not want me-but actions speak louder than words.  She never went to a class party or to watch me cheer or to a parent teacher conference.  My aunt told me that her success in a M L M company ruined her.  After her success her whole goal in life was to recreate that feeling she got by being successful.  That feeling has taken priority over any concern for me and my well being.  If I acted up I got the disappointment card which she still tries to use with guilt.

[bigalspal]

Hi OC & Ami,
Oc, I guess your mom didn't really have to speak, now did she?
You just knew. I know that had to hurt. She missed out on seeing her daughter shine. I'm sorry.
Ami, my grandmother was my light in the darkness. And so was my grandfather. They were my mother's parents. I'm not sure what happened to my mother to make her this way. I've talked to her brother & sister about it, but they can't figure it out. I know that some kids get targeted. Maybe she did. Or I wonder if N's are born that way, too?
Love,
Bigalspal

[lighter]

You were  lucky to get to 14 before your mother's cruelty became so apparent and hurtful.  

Did your friends get busted or just make a choice you rejected?  If there is a devil, drugs are his best mouse trap.  

Too bad you lost the support of their families too.  An enduring mommy spirit would have been nice life line for you.  

[Ami]

  Dear Lighter,                                                                                                                                     My mother's cruelty was always there,but I had best friends who I could be whole with. They did not get busted,but  I told them that I could not go to the parties anymore. Thanks for caring, Lighter.I really appreciate it, Friend .                                                                       .
                                                                                                                            Love    Ami