Hello Friends-
I am an unsophisticated person living a prosaic existence, no great personage, no family support, disabled, nothing to brag about! Yet I am so happy to be alive today! Some days, when I compare myself with people with families to visit and talk to, I hate myself and almost cannot go on doing even the simplest of things...I feel ashamed and worthless. I know that these feelings were instilled in me as a small child, and reinforced throughout my life.
As a child in school I had some lovely experiences, but once had a teacher who ridiculed and berated me daily because of my tattered clothes and disheveled appearance. I only had one dress per year, usually no coat, one pair of shoes that I outgrew yearly. My mother had left us when I was almost 4, and my father worked 2 jobs- at 5 years old I got myself to school alone. I would go in at 7am and attend a session for poor children where we were given cod liver oil (this was a kindness that I will never forget). I skipped a grade, loved the academics,played an instrument, etc., and in many ways school was a haven, but that particular year with the angry teacher was the hardest for me. I had friends, but some of the children gave me a hard time every day because of my appearance. At 6 or 7 I began to work in the school cafeteria in order to get the 35 cent lunch for free. Some kids laughed at my hairnet and apron, but I enjoyed it. Soon I became the youngest child to ever have the responsibility of working the cash register, and this gave me some status!
Once, on my rare (once a year at most) visits with my mother, she bought a long sweater for me to wear to cover my rags- I embarrassed her too (she was a clothes horse with a huge walk in closet in her tiny apartment). I liked her very much, admired her appearance, and envied her close relationship with my grandmother.
At church, I was a featured singer and instrumentalist from a young age, but I was harshly turned away from social activities because of my shabby clothes ( I went to church without parents). I will never forget this, and am crying now at the memories. Then, when I was about 13 years old,someone at the church gave me some clothes that had been abandoned at the cleaners- this was a transformative moment. I had never in my life had such attractive clothes. They fit beautifully, and really suited me in color and style. And there were several outfits! God Bless That Kind Person!!!!!
Soon afterward, I was sent away permanently to a series of foster homes. Things improved in some areas- there was someone to actually buy food and cook meals for me! However, during Christmas and such, I was expected to go into a backroom so that the families could exchange gifts in privacy, etc. I went for periods without lunch money , etc, until I got a job (1st oneat 14) . Then I learned to sew, got a little job, and never faced the problem of not having basic needs met again until in adulthood I became disabled, my husband abandoned me, couldn't walk or get into a wheelchair, was often hungry, and I had to wear clothes that literally fell apart from wear!
But things have changed- I got a degree from a top tier university in my "old age", and even though my NH is gone again (this time I asked him to leave because of violence, threats, and abusive spending , talk, and actions), I feel better than at almost any time in my life (although I get pretty shaky sometimes). I have had some major crises come up and gotten depressed, but have continued to fight on.
Now that my NH is gone, I am attending my physical therapy more consistently (he always had something I had to do when I had appointments, and I neglected this important part of caring for myself), and much feeling better physically (though the pain is excruciating at times). I take care of my basic needs, and have decided to go on to law school, and not take a break while I sort things out- time is so precious now!
I am fortunate and happy to be alive!!!!
