Hey Ami,
While I was surfing around I came across this and read some of it that reminded me of what you seem to be going through now. It's not all of it because some of it did not apply. Well I think we all went through this at some point.
So I want to paste it this part.
One of the reasons other people wanted us not to express our feelings is that they felt our power and didn’t want to, (didn’t know how to) deal with it. Quickly they taught us how to keep our power out of their way. The less we express, the least powerful we are, and the less anyone has to bother about us. You see, people have to do things like negotiate with powerful people. They have to take them into consideration, listen to them, and maybe not get what they want from them. They are powerful people, who know what they want and what is best for them. They cannot be easily manipulated. So another side affect of expressing our feelings, past and present, is the return of our esteem for Self, care for our Self and the understanding that "you are the MOST important person in your life". In fact you are the ONLY person in your life. Everybody else is in their own life, (fortunately).
As the "plug" starts to move, so does our creativity and inspiration. We start getting feelings of what we want to do, and as we follow them we find that our whole life begins to change. Now we are having strong feelings on a day-to-day basis. Feelings that cannot be denied and that can bring us to some important, and sometimes difficult decisions.
Up until this point in our lives, we have made our choices out of programming. This programming was largely about what other people wanted from us. It takes courage to now turn around to those people and let them know that we not going to be doing that any more, that they are responsible for their own lives, and that we are going to be responsible for ours. Sometimes that means that our paths need to separate, because their road is not our road. Maybe it never was, but neither of us could see that at the time. These are difficult times but as Shakespeare once said, "First unto thy own Self be true, and it follows.....that thou cans't not be false to any man”. By being true to the Self inside, we set everyone free to be true to their own self. If that is to go their road with us, so be it. If not, there is a perfectly good road of their own that they should be following. Fitz Perls, a very wise man said, "in order to be responsible to yourself, you have to be irresponsible to everyone else."
The funny thing I found is that the more honest about my feelings I am able to be with those around me, the more they respect me. It’s as if watching our example gives them permission to be that way too. It shows them another way, especially if they happen to be our own children watching, and learning from us, as we did from our parents. Don’t do it for them! Show them how its done, by doing it for yourself! Of course there will always be people in our lives that are not ready for this, and they will go off and find someone else to continue to play the old mind-games with. That’s as it should be. Every one knows where they are at, deep inside of them. They also know when they are ready.
So, in closing, let me say that the path of the Self is not an easy one to follow, but it sure beats going round and round in circles
Ami,
I think that this is all that gunky stuff you had backed up (emotions) trauma and the plug is starting to move. You have had enough.
This is your return of esteem for self.
It was so easy to take your power as a child manipulate the hell out of you. What could you do? Children are such easy prey.
This programming was largely about what other people wanted from us. It takes courage to now turn around to those people and let them know that we not going to be doing that any more, that they are responsible for their own lives, and that we are going to be responsible for ours.
This is what you are doing Ami and grieving at the same time. Very difficult and tremdous pain. You are dealing with your past and present.
It's overwhelming but you are going to be ok.
Hang in there one day at a time. I think you have lots of courage.
Deb
