Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
A letter to my mother on the anniversary of dad's death.
rosencrantz:
Thanks for the great big belly laughs. And...you always make everything OK. How do you do that! I wish you were around as part of my permanent 'friends' network. You'd always bring 'perspective' and fresh air and 'moving on'!!! Make me laugh at myself when I'm getting my knickers in a twist of embarrassment and hope and pain. 'You wild girl', indeed! LOL LOL LOL I don't have words enough for that! Being mocked with love is a good experience!!! LOL LOL LOL!! (You're right, I couldn't cope with wearing any of your T shirts! Bit I'm aware that I have this T shirt in remembrance of you tho, just as WF has her fish!!!
--- Quote ---I've rejected the notion of commenting on every way you have helped me and HIT-ME (in a good way)
--- End quote ---
I want to hear that too much in my life generally. It should become less important (yet more valuable somehow) from now on.
--- Quote ---I'm sorry for giving you that impression, and I can see I have
--- End quote ---
I wasn't quite sure what you were saying - but you are missed very much. Be a hog, please. I've been a much bigger hog. I need someone to catch up and take over to keep me in my place LOL. (Hogs, higs, hugs, what theme do we have here, Mr Freud?! Triple :wink: For ONCE I'm not being serious!!!)
Which reminds me, the word for what I am is not 'serious' but 'earnest'. YUK!
But...to complete the thought I started with...friendships are so 'complicated'. Especially when I seem to be this 'hello, here I am, car smash' kind of person. And the people around me seem to implode or explode into millions of tiny fragments. (ooh, I just 'heard' myself again then - that means something and I don't know what it is!!! Fragments, fragmentation. Is that my mother again...hang on, doing a web search...
See Portia - I need my books!!
--- Quote ---A fear of fragmentation of the personality, also known as disintegration anxiety, is often observed in patients whenever they are exposed to repetitions of earlier experiences that interfered with development of the self. This fear may be expressed as feelings of falling apart, as a loss of identity, or as a fear of impending loss of one's vitality and of psychological depletion.
--- End quote ---
Do I really do that to people??? Or did I do it to my mother, just by 'existing'. Maybe I do do it to some people in the present - but if so, that's their issue, not my 'fault'. And with the vast majority of people, I'll just be misinterpreting what's happening for them (so I'm not such a lethal weapon after all LOL)
Just a minor teeter on the brink of 'is it me or is it her'...Nope, I really, honestly and truly do not think I have the kind of problems that relate to mental illness or personality disorder. If I did, I've worked through them a long time ago and live a pretty adult life inside my brain, inside my heart, inside my soul. Just currently dealing with a whole load of misapprehensions that resulted from the heart and mind of someone who 'meant well' but who was too often 'ill'.
I've been 'avoiding' the concept of Borderline Personality Disorder for some time but all the arrows are pointing that way now. I've just found a website with a series of articles and every other article has a title that's setting off bells (and alarms!). I'm off to have a good read!!! (Not because I'm after 'labels' but just to find a better understanding of 'what' and 'how')
Toodlepip
R
Anonymous:
Thanks Rosencrantz for all that positive re-inforcement, feed-back, affirming. You said so many lovely things and I'm wanting to say 'TA :oops: ' I hope to be friends for a long time, here/now and in the future. :D
Now I'm quickly off that, feeling awkward :oops:
I heard something that pierced me the other night. I was watching a doco on the real bridge over the river kwai story. A survivor was talkin' to the interviewer, 100,000 people died building that rail line for the Japanese in WW2. This guy who survived, had shared some of the most blood-chilling, tear wrenching, heart-breaking stories that I have ever heard. He's still alive today, but he suffered terible inhuman brutality everyday, many times a day. Being beaten to keep working, not being able to stop, watching friends dropping dead from exhaustion or beatings, trying to keep going. Having to work with malaria and dysentary, and if slowing down they'd get whipped with wire.
This part really made me sit up and think. He said as his final comment on the documentary, "When the Japanese officers and soldiers surrendered to our troops who came into our compound to free us, I thought about freedom, what new meaning freedom took on for me. I realised then what freedom really means. Freedom means/is the right to say NO."
I thought isn't that powerful, and I'm still thinking on it.
Just wanted to share that with you. Don't know why????????????
(((HIG)))
CG
rosencrantz:
Just following on from my post about the Borderling info...I came back in to borrow one of your HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAs - the biggest most strident cackle you've got please. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
What a brilliant description of me I found amongst the borderline literature. After me saying nope I really don't think I've got that kind of problem. HAHAHAHAHA. It's fun being a mental hypochondriac!!! (Read that two ways!)
Ach well - if we've got personality, we're all on a continuum between healthy and unhealthy, ordered and disordered. Personality is, after all, the human condition. And we're humanly not 'ordered'. It's just that some of us whizz along to the top of the scale too easily. That's probably why we talk about being 'centred'. Not too far up the scale towards 'dis' order and not too far down the scale towards 'too' ordered!! Just nicely human, thank you!!
Now then CG - did you mean you didn't know and were kindly inviting me to find my own reality or DID you know??? :wink: I want all the feedback I can get. I'm worn out with trying to work it all out myself. I don't listen straight away but it bores into my soul and finds a place and then eureka! it leaps out into consciousness!!! :wink:
I'd take a guess that I haven't yet acquired the freedom to say 'no'. NO NO NONONONONONO! Actually that didn't hurt much at all. No mother, I don't want to. Thank you, but no. See, it's quite easy to say in isolation and I think I have the freedom to say no. I didn't phone my mother in the finish. No thank you mother. Not today thank you mother. I think I won't get collared today thank you. But I need to learn to say no quicker and earlier in all sorts of situations.
But the borderline stuff is quite enlightning. Especially the stuff about containment and projection. I've been busy 'containing' stuff for other people all my life. Criticising myself for trying to be everyone's therapist was post-rationalisation - I was trained in it as a child!!!
I like this :
--- Quote ---One treater said, “I hope you know, all this anger you are projecting on to me is not my anger, it is YOUR anger.” The client coolly said, “Can you think of anything better to do with it?
--- End quote ---
www.toddlertime.com HAHAHAHA! Indeed!
Very, very soon I'm going to have to pluck up my courage and talk to social services and the community psychiatric nurse again. I do need to find out a bit more about what these mental health issues are/were all about. But I go into a total panic every time I think of it. And I'm not entirely sure why. It takes me straight back to a year ago - and a rug that was pulled from under me...
TTFN
R
Portia:
Hiya R
--- Quote ---Very, very soon I'm going to have to pluck up my courage and talk to social services and the community psychiatric nurse again. I do need to find out a bit more about what these mental health issues are/were all about.
--- End quote ---
I'm not going to come in with tough feedback, I just want to ask: why? This is about your mother, right? Is she deteriorating and causing you more problems? Is that why you have to talk to those people? Or are there other reasons? I just wonder and I am interested, for you.
And as for feedback...I still have that 'bad thing' to say about your Dad (signalled in PM, not on the board). My take on something you've said, but not until you want to hear it, if ever.
But interested in you talking to the services - why?
Anonymous:
I'm confess, I'm thick. Who is the borderline stuff for? YOU? I could find if I kept sufing that I have every disorder known to man, and some they haven't nailed don't yet, so I flick my hair, turn my back, walk away holding middle finger firmly high. And go and play, have some fun. Go skating, did that just last week, and made a paper mache money box too.
I'm gonna be well and happy if it kills me!!hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahha
Hey, how about this for a T-Shirt "Say NO to mental illness!"
((HIG)))
CG
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