Thank goodness i found this support group. I have been reading about N for just over 6 months. I never believed my mother could be one...but now the veil/my blinders are finally lifting....and it sucks!
As i have been reading people's experiences I am stunned that so many people have N's that even bother to communicate with them (writing letters, making calls etc). When my mother gets upset with me, she rages and then nothing but the cold silent treatment.....for days....for weeks....for months....for years.....as long as it takes until the other person bows down and comes crawling back to her and apologizes for everything. The problem is never discussed. Only how YOU made HER feel. Your feelings do not matter. Your point of view is wrong, warped, twisted, imagined.
The scenario with my own mother goes something like this:
I "offend" her (the molehill)....
Ma, my kids have a cold. Did you have a cold? (this is asked out of pure concern for my own kids - if she had it i want to know - do they need antibiotics? Doctor? What should i look for? etc)
She rages against me (the mountain)....
Who do you think you are talking to me like that? Are you accusing me of making your kids sick and spreading germs around? You are so hurtful. Everytime you open your mouth your brains fall out. I will no longer babysit your children or visit your house...i don't want to be accused of making them sickThe standoff: I don't speak to her. She won't speak to me. I usually give in and then call her only to have her voice mail. Flowers returned. Letters returned.
The truce: I finally can't take it anymore and think the whole situation is stupid. SO i go to her house and only after i have told her it is completely my fault, please forgive me will she even speak to me.
This has gone on my whole life. I didn't know about N then. I thought I was just a difficult daughter.
Everything changed when i had children though. Now i find my N mom does things to my children (forgets birthdays, christmas, easter etc) b/c she knows it hurts me. And i had enough. Even shunning my son's christening b/c i asked if she had a cold. So i grew a back bone and said, "nope. This time i will NOT grovel"
So now the standoff has been going for almost 2 years. In the meantime i continue to send mother's day cards, christmas cards, birthday cards to my mother and NOTHING from her. Not one thing! Then i find out she lies and tells people i am refusing to let her see my children and she is a model grandmother!
She continues to give me the silent treatment. She is going to wait as long as it takes she says. Pathological pride. I feel sick to my stomach. My mother just doesn't give a damn....and i feel so guilty also. Maybe I'm the one with the problem? Why doesn't my mother even call me or send me a note? Nothing but her damn silence.
I know so many people would say, "F*ck her" let her live without you. But i miss her. I still love her b/c she is my mother. I miss my brother who i can no longer see/visit now. I miss my extended family too.
I hate this power she has over me. I see how my DH relates to his mom and i wish my own mother could be the same way. Why does she have to be so stubborn? Why is everyone always wrong and she is always right? WHy does she say shite like "you will be sorry when i die you were not nice to me" and "you have always been a stubborn daughter to love' and "what did i do to deserve a daughter like you?'
When i think of what she has done i hate her. And then i think of how there were times she made me feel on top of the world. Why does her approval mean so much to me?
How do you handle the silent treatment? My mother has been known to not speak to people for YEARS (my aunt). then when they finally come to her,she will say to everyone how much
she suffered waiting for the other person to finally see the light...how God has given her patience to wait it out...how its too bad the other person is so STUBBORN and prideful....(why didn't my mother get off her ass and try to make peace instead?)
