but i have been trained/ programmed, conditioned to automatically think "what would mother want? what would make HER most happy? I should WANT what she wants. A GOOD daughter would do that.
I was too.
I also understand the worries about regret. I went no contact (NC) with my mother almost a year ago. I don’t take any calls, anything that is sent is unopened, I don’t read any e-mails or letters. It got to the point where her cruelty and demands were too much, it was not only devastating to me, it was impacting my relationship with my husband and children. I was a mess all the time, and they felt the effect of it. It was at that point where I realized she was not only hurting me, she was hurting my family, and that is where I drew the line. I would not allow her poison to spill over to my real family.
My regrets - I worry that when my mother dies, I will regret my decision to go NC. I worry that I will regret not trying harder to make the relationship work. I regret that my children may be very angry at me for not associating with that side of the family when they get older.
It came down to a choice for me. I had to decide whether or not I was willing to continue being mistreated (and frankly, IMO, you are clearly being mistreated) and put up with her abuse, or if I would live with the worry about the regret I may feel. I chose to live with the worry that I may feel the regret.
It is a horrible position your mother has put you in, she is forcing you to decide between you and her. A nurturing, caring mother would never do this. I can’t imagine saying the things that your mother said to you to my daughter for anything, let alone not naming her after me.
In my opinion (IMO), in caring, mature relationship, each person considers their own needs and the needs of the person they care for. It is a synergistic realtionship - they work together to find a solution. If only one person’s needs are taken care of, especially through emotional manipulation, it is not a relationship, it is emotional slavery.
I can remember how hard those first couple of months were after I had babies. Do you think you could give yourself some time to make a decision? You can always change her name in 6 months if that is what you decide to do. Right now, heal, take the time to get to know that precious little life, and give yourself permission to take a break from your mother and this decision.
Lupita had some really good advice also. Read as much as you can on NPD. It was a real eye-opener for me, and helped me to understand that it is not my fault.
I don't know if this helps, but please know I am thinking of you. It is a horrible place to be.
Peace