Ami

[wiltay]

Ami, I've been reading your threads for some time and I haven't found a place to jump in so I'm just going to start somewhere in the wilderness.  I want you to know that you continually resonate with me, that our tuning forks seem to be on a similar wave length much of the time, because I get sympathetic responses to you nearly every time I read you. I hope that makes some sense. 

    IMO you are your own worst enemy and I think you have to stop being so unkind to yourself.  Listen to all the criticism you keep throwing in your own face--how immature you are, how "sick" you are, how you shouldn't feel the way you do, your intense anger, etc etc etc.  It's not true, it's just crap you are all too willing to believe about yourself.  I have seen nothing about you that is even remotely immature or sick and your feelings are YOUR feelings and they are completely valid. (And now you will probably be critical of yourself for being so critical of yourself!!)

    All I'm saying is HEAR the nonsense you are telling yourself about yourself. Hear the words, listen to the monologue that goes on in your head and question it. Soon you will see how unfair and untrue it is and how many of your bad feelings are generated by your own barely conscious,nutty thoughts. Don't try to analyze why you do it, just listen critically. (I'm obviously speaking from my own personal experience).

    We are very much alike in being so self-critical.  It's like if we are the least bit imperfect, even the slightest defect and our whole existence is nullified. This is where I relate so much to Borderlines: the self-obliteration. There is nothing lonelier than being your own worst enemy. Instead you need to be your own best friend and I'm discovering that it's not all that hard to do.  It's far easier than being against yourself! I'm sorry for the sophomoric lecture. I'm not telling you anything you don't already know.  I know I've overstepped, but sometimes when you see someone you like being unkind to themselves and sabotaging themselves you just want to shake them and tell them to knock it off! I hope we're still friends. I've appreciated the things you've said to me.

Love, Bill

[JanetLG]

Bill,

Ditto from me, too.

Ami's lovely, but very hard on herself.

But isn't she making great strides, anyway?

Janet

[motheroffour]

Hey Bill,

Would it be ok if I stole this advice for myself?   I am afraid I am captian of the "brutal to self" squad.  It such a good reminder as we go through this arduous task of healing to be kind and gentle and patient with ourselves as we do so.  I think those are the posts I sometimes need to most.  Those of you who have chosen to be kind and gentle with me as you point me to higher ground.   You teach me to be this way with myself.  Thanks.

Ami, what if we started a new club together and left this one behind? eh?

--mof4

[Ami]

Dear Bill,
    I hear ONLY love in your thread. THANK YOU. I am surprised that I  am so hard on myself. It is just "normal" to me--- unfortunately
   Today, I found the answer, I  think. . All of a sudden, I saw  how I got this way( so hard on myself) and also the way out.
   My mother saw people as black and white. If you had ANYTHING wrong with you ,you were black. So, I was black b/c I had things wrong with me .. In her mind, there were "white" people out there. They were perfect. They did all facets of life-- perfectly. They were flawless in school,looks, personality, talent , confidence, fearlessness, independence etc.
   I was black and therefore, I was worthless. So,  I take on this "blackness' and I live in it.It is what you are talking about. The worst part of all is when I think that I am "bad"b/c of my thoughts--- anger, dislike of someone , fear,selfishness. I have her in my head and she keeps pressing the button--- BLACK ,BLACK. So, consequently-- I am always in worthless mode. That is so huge to me, Bill.. I think that seeing this distortion ,today will be the way out. I so appreciate your thread and it was exactly at the right time. Before, I may have felt helpless to change  and upset and hopeless.Today, I just happened to have "seen" the answer even before I read your thread
   For me, I express my thoughts on the board in stark terms b/c it is my attempt to be honest with myself . Once I say it, it almost starts healing on it's own-- just by admitting it.That is why I am so gut wrenchingly honest .I try to be fearlessly honest b/c I am so, so starved for honesty . Honesty is like water to me . ..
   Once I have gotten to the place where I can express something, healing seems to follow as  a natural flow.
  Bill, are you as hard on yourself as I am? Are you trying to find the way out,too?
  Bill, I so appreciate your taking the time to write and to care.It means so very much Janet, thanks for the kind , warm thoughts. Mo4, Thank you,too
     Love  Ami

[Ami]

Last night, as I was thinking about Bill's post, I thought that I would have been overwhelmed at his observations if it had happened before today. It was exactly at the right time for me to recieve it --- with joy and hope. I bet that he has wanted to write for some time. However, he did it on the exact day that I could handle it without going in to a "shame cycle".
   He is right. My being hard on myself is not 'me" at all. It is the N mother in my head.
   I want to share this insight that I had last night. On one of the threads, we were talking about loving yourself. Someone said that they had never loved themself. I realized that I did have 'gifts"from my past  b/c I did love myself at one point. I realize that I do have a core. It is small-- the size of a tennis ball,but it is there. It is from my grandmother who taught me about life in a good way-. When I talk to my Aunt( mother's sister), I can hear the core in her. i had a core b/c I had values that I thought made me "somebody". I still have that core inside me ,now. That core sees and hears things as they are. The N mother did not get to it. It is just buried --- not dead.When I share  deep pain, I am trying to dig up this core that is buried under the distortions and denial
  . Last night, I visualized my core. It is peaceful there.. From my core, I know how to "be". Thanks again, Bill, for caring enough to express your thoughts     Love  Ami

[finding peace]

Ami - I am doing the happy dance for you. 

A couple of times you wrote that your core was destroyed, or gone.  I suspected that maybe it wasn't destroyed, but that you hid it to protect it from further damage a long time ago. It was always there, waiting for you to find it again.  I didn't say anything because I thought maybe I was projecting because I did the same thing, and i didn't want to go there if this wasn't the case for you!  I am so happy for you!!!!  I am also so glad you have found some resolution and peace with your father - he sounds like such a caring man.   (((((((Ami))))))))

Bill - I also wanted to say that your post really resonated with me as well.  Tweety said this too in her post – that she is hard on herself.

I am/was way too hard on myself, and have only started to realize it this year.

For me, I know it originates from my parents expecting me to be perfect.  It was so bad in my house that I had to anticipate what they needed before they knew they needed it.  I am not kidding – by the age of 7 or so I was a master of reading body language – I had to anticipate whatever they needed or there was hell to pay.

My M was also notorious for not allowing a learning curve.  If I didn’t know how to do something, or needed help, she would mock me for not knowing.  It was awful.

It is a double-edged sword – you are expected to be perfect, a total unrealistic goal, and then when you fail, which you inevitably will, you are put down for failing.

For me, it became so ingrained (along with that mocking voice whenever I didn’t do something perfect), that I carried it with me.  It became like breathing – I did it without realizing it.

I woke up to this “breathing pattern” only a year or so ago.  Thank god I did.  Whenever I find that I am feeling negative or down about myself, I put my emotions on pause so to speak, and explore why.  Inevitably, it goes back to those old tapes.  At that moment, I remind myself that no one came out of the womb walking or talking.  Learning, making mistakes, and imperfection are a part of life. 

Life is a journey not a destination, and to live that journey, I must make mistakes to ultimately know the destination I am striving for. 

I believe that we are perfectly imperfect.

[wiltay]

Hello everybody, I wish I had more time, but I'm heading out of town today for a long-planned trip and I've got a ton of things to do.  You're very welcome, Ami!  Your honesty and courage always come through and they are pure gusts of sanity to me (along with other people too!) in the midst of the crazy games that other people are playing with me right now.
   I can't go into it now, but I have stayed away from Randy the raging N and this social group, as advised, for the last 4-5 weeks but things have only gotten nuttier when I haven't been around to defend myself. People are actually calling me up to give me crap! People who I thought were sympathetic or at least neutral.  While we take such pains to be brutally honest with ourselves to a fault (I'm finally learning not empathize with other people against myself!) other people are far too easy on themselves and are so willing to believe self-serving, self-comforting lies.
  Your core is easy to see Ami.  You've got a good strong core to build upon and make stronger and stronger and I know you will. We all must constantly deal with those nutty childhood tapes that eat away and erode our core if we let them. Thanks everybody for being here!  Sometimes you are my only link to a sane world.

Love, Bill

[bigalspal]

Hi Bill,
I know I'm a little late, but I want to add my support for Ami.
When I was going through all my problems, she was always there for me.
She is truly a wonderful, caring person!
Love,
Bigalspal

[Lupita]

I have seen than when Ami is talking about other people she is very assertive, very correct, and very supportive. Also, she usually hits the neil, she says very intelligent things. She gives very reasonable adivise and valuable help.

When Ami talks about her self, it is not very reasonable. Does not make sense.

[Ami]

Lupita, what you are saying, I think, is the difference between heart revelations and head revelations. This is why I do not like therapy. You can know theories and theories in your head,but unless it hits your heart-- it is close to worthless. My mother reads hundreds of psychology books, but it never penetrates in to the heart. I have my Masters degree,but it was all"head'(or mostly)Now, as I heal ,in the heart, some of the theories are making emotional sense--- or heart sense..
   Now, I am in the process of getting in my heart. You are seeing that process ,as it evolves. That is why it is probably confusing to you,Lupita. That would be my guess.
  These are my thoughts , anyway.