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My parents have barely spoken to me since Dec 2001

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Nic:
Hey MrTraced,
Just so you don't feel too alone, here's my two cents worth for you.  I have not had any contact with my Nparents for almost two years now....they, like you ,blamed everything on my wife at the time..and have systematically attempted to destroy my life since then.
I work late almost every night, getting home around 2345..Before they moved away we lived side by side and my N mother set out to seriously harrass my ex-wife..she would use a flashlight and shine it through our bedroom window, from a distance of course, but in an attempt to make our dogs bark...she would walk to our windows at night just to "spy" and harrass, make noise, open and close her garage door, you name it she did it :!:  :roll:
When she saw my car lights ,as I was pulling up to the house, my Nmother would rush to bed, turn off the lights, and it would appear that all was quiet..naturally in her ( my N mother's) twisted little mind, I was supposed to think my ex-wife was paranoid and "crazy" if she told me anything..She ,( my N mother), expected I would automatically think and say to my wife, " NO!, mommy would never do that to you!" and that my reactions would fall in line with her expectations/presumptions because of the "training" I had received from both my N parents since childhood!  It didn't work!  

I had by then read up on Ns and how they crave attention at any price.  I decided to sever links and implement a strict "no contact" policy..which included my ignoring them all the time..I basically lived my life as if they were not there.  You see, the N has an incredible sense of entitlement.  That's what frustrates me the most about N behaviour.  They figure they have the right to do anything to their targets (aka sources of supply).  But I encourage you to continue ignoring them ...which you seem to be doing..this is by far the best protection you can offer yourself and your family!  
If you're an ACON, you've received plenty of training which probably has brought you back in line in the past.  I can fully understand your grief and grieving of a sane family life.  
You know, North Americans have a very strange view of the family and family life..it is almost a taboo subject, full of expectations.  It can be frustrating at times to deal with when you're an ACON because to others you might seem to constantly be bursting the "happy family bubble"  and the "perfect family myth".  Hang in there...some families like yours and mine are just simply unhealthy..and the only remedy is to get away and stay away.
It was my N mother's birthday on the 17th, and I was down on the evening of the 16th because I was grieving the "good times" ( which are few and far between mind you :roll: , but , fairly speaking here, there were some good moments to which I have hung on to..illusions really!) and feeling somewhat guilty and ashamed for not having any contact with her...this carried on until the morning of the 17th, when my ex-wife informed me that we had received yet another threatening letter from their ( my N parents') sollicitor!  I felt both stupid and proud of myself for sticking to my guns and not sending a card or worse flowers :shock:  to her.  Obviously, her present to herself was to take sadistic pleasure in the fact that I would be reading yet another diatribe that would cause me grief!  Oi!

I agree with the poster who says it's very difficult to live with this "for a lifetime" because, if you look back , you'll remember ( as I do) countless times when your N parents manipulated, ridiculed, and trampled you.

About having fun and regretting not having had enough when you were younger..well, i have felt that way too! It was refreshing to read this from you and made me feel less alone in my quest to reconstruct myself.  I do think of all the times I could have been having fun and just plain nasty  :P  and stopped myself because I wasn't aware I had a life..that's just par for the course when you're an ACON.  Don't allow yourself to have too many regrets that way, it's just not worth it and is a perpetuation of the programming received by those two twits!

I repressed many feelings, missed out on many opportunities..I was the good son too, until they decided I wasn't anymore.  Like you, i have had a taste of textbook narcissistic rage over the past almost two years.  

There has to be some humour in it though..don't you think?  These Ns are self destructive and sooner or later their lies catch up to them.  My N dad is particularly funny in this respect because I sometimes run into him at the supermarket..he approaches me and calls out my childhood nickname and has a pitiful hurt face on..I recognize that look from childhood, it is faux hurt and now i'm interpreting his pout for what it is...it's his " let me see if I can still get to you by using guilt look", alternately it becomes his "let's make a deal face" and with the eyes he has,I see the sadism of him saying to me: " do you want more?...." abuse that is and another shitload of lies and manipulations.  
Until the last time I saw him, ( a few weeks ago) I just ignored him and walked past..but two weeks ago he approached me and tried the same routine..I looked at him ( remember this is in a packed supermarket!) and said point blank: " Oh, FFFF****ck off!"  It felt wonderful! :lol:  what a release :!: ...luckily the literature suggests that they need some of their own medicine at times..so I figured I was allowed to say the first thing that came to mind!  8)  
I also get a lot of satisfaction knowing he'll soon find out i'm gay and living with a partner.  I'm sure that'll warp his halo! :lol:
Anyway, that being said...being an ACON is very challenging..I shared with another ACON recently that I sometimes have the impression of having lived my life backwards. By this I mean:..very responsible, uptight, set in my ways, very judging, very puritan, very perfectionistic etc. at an early age, having skipped the "normal" age and stage of rebellion. Refreshingly, the older I get physically, the younger I get mentally..I think that's part of letting go and reclaiming my voice and identity.  Some days I allow myself to be 5, 10 or 15 years old.  I'm forty now and 90% free..it can only get better!
It can only get better for you and your family too! IF YOU STICK TO YOUR GUNS!
Best of luck to you and yours,
love Nic :D

mrt:
Thanks Nic!

I originally moved to this city to go to college and to get away from them. But they moved here the year I got married - to be close to their family. :wink:  ( To keep an eye on me)  
 
Recently I did see my parents one time driving by and I flipped them off! I couldn't believe I did that.

If I saw them at a supermarket - I don't know how I would respond. The thought of that makes me ill to this day.  I don't know if I would cuss them out ( unheard of in my family) or if I would grab something and beat the sh** of them or if I would revert to my old respectful self and endure (which would follow with intense self-loathing).  Lord help me when I do see them.

I did have some  rebellion after I got married & they moved to MY town. My wife never understood and I guess I never understood why I occasionally tried to annoy them - I guess to get back at them in my own way. - I guess I'm passive aggressive)   I grew my hair long once.( I told them  ( he was my pastor) that I was being "more christ-like")  :wink:  I got an earring. ( Job in the Bible received some as a gift) that pissed him off big time) I've always had a blond beard -which drove them nuts. (I think I kept my beard because I could see in myself - my father's face in the mirror when-ever I didn't have it. - They say Michael Jackson perhaps sees his father's face in the mirror and that is why he has butchered his face.)  I'm just not rich enough to get too much plastic surgery.    Maybe I still have some issues   :twisted:  

I use to want to tell them I was gay (i'm not) because this would be the kiss of death to their "business" and would embarrass the sh** out of them and this would ensure my immediate dismissal and be my freedom train. But my family is a gossip factory and I didn't want to confuse or hurt my wife, kids,in-laws, or my church members and  because it would have been front page news in our neck of the woods.
When they chose to attack me financially which unknowingly to them cut the last vestige of their control, this was the last straw and thus ensured a way out for me and my family. Free at last Free at last.
I gave them too many years. They are not getting any more.

Anonymous:

--- Quote from: Anonymous ---Well the phones calls stopped overnight! I was shocked again. My mother ? I thought she cared about me deep down! Why would she torture her son and her grandchildren??   I was very angry.  Eventually the calls started again and we changed our number to an unlisted number again.  Finally no more calls.
--- End quote ---

 
mrtraced,

Your parents sound sociopathic. If you learned more about sociopaths, I think you'd be clearer on how to think about them. It gives you a way to understand their seriously deranged behavior. It isn't your fault that you didn't know the severity of the problem. Now you know.  And you can start living your own life, separate from them. Thank goodness!

Book recommendations: "The Mask of Sanity" by Hervey Cleckley and "Without Conscience" by Robert Hare.

bunny

Anonymous:
Mrtraced --


--- Quote ---Free at last Free at last.
I gave them too many years. They are not getting any more.
--- End quote ---

     
Amen to that!


Nic --


--- Quote ---Anyway, that being said...being an ACON is very challenging..I shared with another ACON recently that I sometimes have the impression of having lived my life backwards. By this I mean:..very responsible, uptight, set in my ways, very judging, very puritan, very perfectionistic etc. at an early age, having skipped the "normal" age and stage of rebellion. Refreshingly, the older I get physically, the younger I get mentally..I think that's part of letting go and reclaiming my voice and identity. Some days I allow myself to be 5, 10 or 15 years old. I'm forty now and 90% free..it can only get better!
--- End quote ---


I have never seen anyone describe being an ACON this way and it is right on the mark. I'm still working on reclaiming my voice and getting younger mentally, but I look back on my early years and see Miss Prim -- I'm much looser and less uptight now, and boy, is it a relief!

Guest

write:
I sometimes have the impression of having lived my life backwards ( Nic )

think it was Kierkegard who said 'life must be lived forwards, but understood backwards'....

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