Hey MrTraced,
Just so you don't feel too alone, here's my two cents worth for you. I have not had any contact with my Nparents for almost two years now....they, like you ,blamed everything on my wife at the time..and have systematically attempted to destroy my life since then.
I work late almost every night, getting home around 2345..Before they moved away we lived side by side and my N mother set out to seriously harrass my ex-wife..she would use a flashlight and shine it through our bedroom window, from a distance of course, but in an attempt to make our dogs bark...she would walk to our windows at night just to "spy" and harrass, make noise, open and close her garage door, you name it she did it
When she saw my car lights ,as I was pulling up to the house, my Nmother would rush to bed, turn off the lights, and it would appear that all was quiet..naturally in her ( my N mother's) twisted little mind, I was supposed to think my ex-wife was paranoid and "crazy" if she told me anything..She ,( my N mother), expected I would automatically think and say to my wife, " NO!, mommy would never do that to you!" and that my reactions would fall in line with her expectations/presumptions because of the "training" I had received from both my N parents since childhood! It didn't work!
I had by then read up on Ns and how they crave attention at any price. I decided to sever links and implement a strict "no contact" policy..which included my ignoring them all the time..I basically lived my life as if they were not there. You see, the N has an incredible sense of entitlement. That's what frustrates me the most about N behaviour. They figure they have the right to do anything to their targets (aka sources of supply). But I encourage you to continue ignoring them ...which you seem to be doing..this is by far the best protection you can offer yourself and your family!
If you're an ACON, you've received plenty of training which probably has brought you back in line in the past. I can fully understand your grief and grieving of a sane family life.
You know, North Americans have a very strange view of the family and family life..it is almost a taboo subject, full of expectations. It can be frustrating at times to deal with when you're an ACON because to others you might seem to constantly be bursting the "happy family bubble" and the "perfect family myth". Hang in there...some families like yours and mine are just simply unhealthy..and the only remedy is to get away and stay away.
It was my N mother's birthday on the 17th, and I was down on the evening of the 16th because I was grieving the "good times" ( which are few and far between mind you
, but , fairly speaking here, there were some good moments to which I have hung on to..illusions really!) and feeling somewhat guilty and ashamed for not having any contact with her...this carried on until the morning of the 17th, when my ex-wife informed me that we had received yet another threatening letter from their ( my N parents') sollicitor! I felt both stupid and proud of myself for sticking to my guns and not sending a card or worse flowers
to her. Obviously, her present to herself was to take sadistic pleasure in the fact that I would be reading yet another diatribe that would cause me grief! Oi!
I agree with the poster who says it's very difficult to live with this "for a lifetime" because, if you look back , you'll remember ( as I do) countless times when your N parents manipulated, ridiculed, and trampled you.
About having fun and regretting not having had enough when you were younger..well, i have felt that way too! It was refreshing to read this from you and made me feel less alone in my quest to reconstruct myself. I do think of all the times I could have been having fun and just plain nasty
and stopped myself because I wasn't aware I had a life..that's just par for the course when you're an ACON. Don't allow yourself to have too many regrets that way, it's just not worth it and is a perpetuation of the programming received by those two twits!
I repressed many feelings, missed out on many opportunities..I was the good son too, until they decided I wasn't anymore. Like you, i have had a taste of textbook narcissistic rage over the past almost two years.
There has to be some humour in it though..don't you think? These Ns are self destructive and sooner or later their lies catch up to them. My N dad is particularly funny in this respect because I sometimes run into him at the supermarket..he approaches me and calls out my childhood nickname and has a pitiful hurt face on..I recognize that look from childhood, it is faux hurt and now i'm interpreting his pout for what it is...it's his " let me see if I can still get to you by using guilt look", alternately it becomes his "let's make a deal face" and with the eyes he has,I see the sadism of him saying to me: " do you want more?...." abuse that is and another shitload of lies and manipulations.
Until the last time I saw him, ( a few weeks ago) I just ignored him and walked past..but two weeks ago he approached me and tried the same routine..I looked at him ( remember this is in a packed supermarket!) and said point blank: " Oh, FFFF****ck off!" It felt wonderful!
what a release
...luckily the literature suggests that they need some of their own medicine at times..so I figured I was allowed to say the first thing that came to mind!
I also get a lot of satisfaction knowing he'll soon find out i'm gay and living with a partner. I'm sure that'll warp his halo!
Anyway, that being said...being an ACON is very challenging..I shared with another ACON recently that I sometimes have the impression of having lived my life backwards. By this I mean:..very responsible, uptight, set in my ways, very judging, very puritan, very perfectionistic etc. at an early age, having skipped the "normal" age and stage of rebellion. Refreshingly, the older I get physically, the younger I get mentally..I think that's part of letting go and reclaiming my voice and identity. Some days I allow myself to be 5, 10 or 15 years old. I'm forty now and 90% free..it can only get better!
It can only get better for you and your family too! IF YOU STICK TO YOUR GUNS!
Best of luck to you and yours,
love Nic
