This morning....

[Ami]

Dear Laura,
  I am so sorry that you had to go through that painful( and pitiful )  situation. I can relate to that type of interchange with my H and me.
  Laura, that interchange sounds classic N,to me.
 Laura, I have been in a better place than ever with my H. I, truly, just want to heal my own insides. He and my relationship with him are so secondary. He is not the problem. He is a symptom of the problem. I married him b/c I was broken. Only a broken person would have married him. If I do not fix myself--- I will marry "another" him.
   I am healing inside my own soul. I feel so happy about this.
    As I heal, he will either change or not change. If he does not change, he will either leave or not leave.Whatever the case with him is, I will be whole. I will be able to deal with it
   He seems so much less important than he used to. Also, he is treating me much better. He know sthat I "don't care" anymore ,so I am free, in a way .
   I am fortunate that I don't have to be with him very much. If I did, it would be much,much harder or maybe impossible
                                                                                        Love  Ami

[Hopalong]

Dear hurting hoping Mo4,

Yes to Lighter.
Yes to Hope.

I can't add a word but send love,

Hops

[Ami]

Dear Em,
   It is so easy to see that your H's problem is HIM-- not YOU. I just wanted to pass this observation on. It is hard for me to see when it is my own H doing the exact same thing  to me .                 Love  Ami

[motheroffour]

Reallyme,

Hey! Thanks for your post.  Nice to know I am not alone.  Love to chat about it off the board, but not really sure how.  You will have to guide me.

Just a question....Does your H think about, worry about, or work towards meeting your basic needs as a woman, a wife, a friend?  Wondering about all that correcting...doesn't sound good to me.  I have an uncle that has/does nit-picks his kids to death.  Does he talk about and celebrate your strengths?  Recognize your successes?  Is he an N?  or his fam? or your fam?  Trying to get the picture here.

Thanks for caring.  It means so much!


Em,
Thanks as well.  All these games and their effects really hurt, don't they?  Maybe we can help each other navigate it and get healthier.  Right now, I am  on overload.  My H and I keep having deep talks....another one this morning.....and I feel like I have run a marathon.  I am so tired.  My heart is pretty thrashed.   Ten long years wondering if he is ever going to like me.  Just wish he acted like he was proud to have me on his arm or that his happiness came from helping me be truly happy.  Maybe he just likes the idea of me or just likes that I let him stay in his dysfunction cause I need him so bad.  I remember one time he told me that I looked and acted like his sister.  He really wanted to marry someone who looked like her.  Not convinced he really saw me for me!  Too much for my brain to process today.  Looking forward to hearing more of your wisdom on this. 
Feel like I need a little rest and some comfort. Need to pray and read and refill my tank.

Is your guy in touch with his feelings at all?  Does he need to control stuff or does he need you to control stuff so he doesn't have to?
--mof4

[reallyME]

Hey! Thanks for your post.  Nice to know I am not alone.  Love to chat about it off the board, but not really sure how.  You will have to guide me.

>>>>>>>>if you right click on my name, it will say something about sending me a private message.

Just a question....Does your H think about, worry about, or work towards meeting your basic needs as a woman, a wife, a friend?

>>>>>>>At times he does.

  Wondering about all that correcting...doesn't sound good to me.  I have an uncle that has/does nit-picks his kids to death.  Does he talk about and celebrate your strengths?

>>>>>>>>If I'm working a job that makes money, I'm his true love, worthy of such honor, yet at the same time, if I can't keep up in the housework, I'm scum...it's just a very unbalanced situation.

   Is he an N?  or his fam? or your fam?  Trying to get the picture here.

>>>>>>>ha! You and me both.  He has narcissistic traits, avoidant traits, some Borderline traits, but mostly lives in delusional thinking ("if I ignore the situation it will take care of itself" or "if I didn't see or hear it, it did not happen.")  Both are his defense mechanisms he uses to take his noncommital stance in life, that makes him come out of things "shining" in the end, and me looking like the bad guy.

Thanks for caring.  It means so much!

>>>>>>>That's a good trait in me.  I DO care about people.  Thank you for complimenting me on that.

~Laura