Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
What if you can't remember much of your childhood?
Anonymous:
Dawning, your idea of taking “sacred journeys” to the places you grew up really struck a chord with me. I think being in those physical places, which I do remember pretty clearly, could well be key in helping me rediscover memories. Thanks!
Bunny said:
--- Quote ---My view is that it isn't critical to recall events from childhood. What's important (imo) is to access the child within me and give her a chance to be a child now. I do it by letting myself feel the sense of curiosity, wonder, imagination, creativity. Getting to know my likes, dislikes, passions. This is the stuff my parents tried to suppress and replace with their own likes and dislikes. But they didn't get succeed. And they can't stop me anymore.
--- End quote ---
Rosencrantz said:
--- Quote ---I think the issue is about 'remembering' what made us who we are. Not necessarily 'events' but the whole way we were treated. Events do point the way but our patterns of reacting and dealing with life in the here and now is the real key to the past AND the future.
--- End quote ---
I’ve been thinking about these comments, Bunny and Rosencrantz, and I can see that in terms of living your life from here on in, what’s important is to figure out who you are and retrieve the feelings that your parents tried to suppress so you can connect with them now.
But I can’t stop wondering why I can’t remember, and I’ve been trying to figure it out.
I know (because she told me) that practically from the day I was born my mother was unhappy in her marriage. She hated her life and wanted to be free, and probably saw her children as the main barriers to her freedom. She pushed me into grade school and then boarding school as early as possible, and started an affair around the time I went to boarding school. When I was 16 she separated from my father, and within a year or so she married her lover and moved to another city, and I never lived with her or had a family home again. She had a new husband, and she was free.
So for the first 12 years of my life I lived with this frustrated, angry, critical person who (I believe) projected her nsecurities and negative feelings about herself onto me, but also (I suspect) demanded that I supply her with the love and comfort she wasn’t getting from my father. Then she sends me away to school, takes up with her lover, and basically abdicates from the role of parent. And except for the actual announcement that my parents were separating, I don’t remember feeling grief, or really any emotion about any of this, but to this day the anticipation of leaving home on a trip causes me huge anxiety, to the point that I haven’t travelled much.
Where did that leave me? I was lost. The person who (I think) for years had told me what I thought and who I was got rid of me. She didn’t need me any more, and I was supposed to stay quietly away, but come to visit now and then and impress everyone so she could show off what a great mother she was. And I did it! I played that role from my teens to my mid-20s, and couldn’t figure out why I felt so alone and why I would get bouts of depression.
Is it possible that I suppressed my early memories so I could believe the image of her as a wonderful mother who loved me? Maybe it was only by supporting her in that role that I could get whatever crumbs of attention and approval she was willing to throw my way? Because if I dared to challenge her, I was afraid she’d shut me out of her life completely? It’s like she was blackmailing me: “Moving away is just a taste of what I could do to you if you don’t agree that I’m the best mother that ever was.”
Aaaarrrggh!!! You know, I was feeling that maybe she wasn’t so bad, so narcissistic, because the things I could remember didn’t seem all that bad, but the more I think about it the worse it seems. I really hadn’t seen just how much she may have manipulated me to serve her own needs. Am I reading this right? Am I overdramatizing what happened? Am I crazy????
Guest
Wildflower:
Hi Guest,
--- Quote ---Then she sends me away to school, takes up with her lover, and basically abdicates from the role of parent. And except for the actual announcement that my parents were separating, I don’t remember feeling grief, or really any emotion about any of this, but to this day the anticipation of leaving home on a trip causes me huge anxiety, to the point that I haven’t travelled much.
--- End quote ---
Are there any other examples in your current life where you stay where you are because you’re afraid that, if you leave for a minute, things will change dramatically? Or people will leave? Or you’ll lose something?
--- Quote ---Aaaarrrggh!!! You know, I was feeling that maybe she wasn’t so bad, so narcissistic, because the things I could remember didn’t seem all that bad, but the more I think about it the worse it seems. I really hadn’t seen just how much she may have manipulated me to serve her own needs. Am I reading this right? Am I overdramatizing what happened? Am I crazy????
--- End quote ---
From here, it certainly doesn’t look like you’re crazy or overdramatizing. It looks like you’re listening to yourself. Your feelings may be all over the place for a while, but keep listening. You may come back out feeling like she's not so bad, or maybe you'll realize she was, but keep listening to yourself - and allow yourself the freedom to think/feel whatever comes into your heart and mind.
Hang in there,
Wildflower
rosencrantz:
Hi Guest - I'm sure you're not overdramatising and I'm sure you're not crazy. :D And I'm also sure it can get quite scary when we start going into these feelings cos they are a child's feelings ie feelings felt without the help of the adult brain and the thinking and the experience that an adult can add to the mix.
But I also think that we truly did believe our mothers were 'perfect' (or pretty much anyway). So, uncertainties created by our parents are 'felt' as negatives/lacks within ourselves. We work it out so that it's not the 'out there' that's wrong; it's the 'in here' that must be wrong. And then we work out the world on the basis of those assumption. (Except for true Ns in which case what's 'in here' is even worse than what's 'out there', so that they create a new and distorted 'out there' which is the worst yet!!)
Hey, I've been listening to my mother tell me she's the perfect mother for 50 years and only just worked out that the mother from hell coexisted alongside!!! She kept telling me that I 'thought' she was a terrible mother and blamed her for 'everything'. 'Of course not mother, I don't blame you for anything' Valiant, loyal!! Der! She and I between us made sure I didn't stop long enough to THINK otherwise I might have worked it out. :shock: (But then the reality was too much to bear!)
Yes, we sure do want to believe that they notice us, see us, hear us and love us and we'll twist reality round as much as is necessary to make it that way! :o When we start to untwist it, what we see is pretty unbearable to the child that's still in us.
I'm not sure whether your mother manipulated you but she didn't seem to see you as a person with needs and feelings to be prioritised over her own interests, except to a limited extent.
You know, it seems to me that what all these mothers have in common is an irresponsible streak. Mine included. (Took me a while to get to that one!!!) Most of them have just opted out for one reason or another. But I suspect the Four Agreements apply 'Don't take it personally''! :shock: How could we not!!!
Mine is still bludgeoning me to accept that she was the perfect mother. It's too much for her to take responsibility for 'just doing the best she could' and admit to/accept the 'emotional' problems she had. I wouldn't have had half the heartache if she could have just done that. ( :idea: I almost did my usual 'getting confused as to who's who' - ie "Am I projecting? Oh dear, I'd better go and hide in the naughty corner out of everyone's way." - but it seems I've just taken another step forward towards the 'real' reality!!!)
R
PS Yes, CG. I just saw the need in her to be perfect.
Anonymous:
Thanks, Wildflower and Rosencrantz. A little validation goes a long way!
--- Quote ---But I also think that we truly did believe our mothers were 'perfect' (or pretty much anyway). So, uncertainties created by our parents are 'felt' as negatives/lacks within ourselves. We work it out so that it's not the 'out there' that's wrong; it's the 'in here' that must be wrong. And then we work out the world on the basis of those assumption.
--- End quote ---
This makes sense to me intellectually, but I can’t quite get it emotionally. I’ll have to think (or rather feel) on it some more.
--- Quote ---You know, it seems to me that what all these mothers have in common is an irresponsible streak.
--- End quote ---
Was my mother irresponsible? Lots of kids get sent to boarding school. I don’t believe that she should have stayed in an unhappy marriage “for the sake of the kids.” And I’m glad she found a partner the second time around who seems to have suited her a lot better. So when I look at it, the events themselves are no worse than what millions of other kids have gone through.
The part that drives me nuts is that I feel as though I didn’t get to have an opinion about any of it. I feel as though I was the target of an advertising campaign – “Of course you want to go to this boarding school, don’t you,” “Marriage wasn’t meant to last,” “Your father and I aren’t angry with each other,” “You’re so mature for your age, you’ll be just fine.” All lies. But I couldn’t argue. All the rewards I got were for being good, quiet, compliant, “responsible,” “mature”. Any sign of disagreement, irresponsibility, disobedience, carelessness, wildness, and WHAM – coldness, rejection, disapproval, criticism – and that’s only what I remember. I’m pretty sure that when I was younger it was fury and violence. And the cold disapproval could be about the most innocuous things – like what movie I wanted to see.
She told me once that someone who was a psychologist saw her interacting with us kids when we were young and said to her, “I don’t know what you do to make your kids so obedient, but you must be doing something.” I think she took it as a compliment.
--- Quote ---Mine is still bludgeoning me to accept that she was the perfect mother. It's too much for her to take responsibility for 'just doing the best she could' and admit to/accept the 'emotional' problems she had. I wouldn't have had half the heartache if she could have just done that.
--- End quote ---
I've been reading other threads and understand the terrible pain you've felt over this. :cry:
Mine has this way of cheerily “admitting” she’s “not perfect,” or as she puts it, “Nobody ever said life was going to be perfect.” But any real questioning of her abilities as a mother she meets with incomprehension. I once had a conversation with her when I was still hoping I might get through to her. I was trying to be really honest with her, and told her that I experienced a lot of fear in my life – that I felt fearful or anxious a lot of the time. I thought I might get a response like, “That’s too bad,” or “What are you afraid of?” or “Have you always been that way?” and we might talk about it. Here’s what she said: “I never feel fear. I can go anywhere and do anything, and I always feel completely safe and never worry.” I wish I had had the presence of mind to question her more about that, but I felt so completely rejected that I shut up.
Feeling rather shaky – got to go.
Guest
Wildflower:
Hi Guest,
As R so smartly put it, these can be scary feelings and thoughts. The good news is that, while these are childhood moments, we're adults now, and we can be the adults that our parents may not have been for us.
--- Quote ---And I’m glad she found a partner the second time around who seems to have suited her a lot better. So when I look at it, the events themselves are no worse than what millions of other kids have gone through.
The part that drives me nuts is that I feel as though I didn’t get to have an opinion about any of it.
--- End quote ---
If you could go back and find the voice of that kid watching the divorce, what would you have asked for or wanted? What I'm hearing (though I may have a bunch of my-own-issue wax in my ears :wink: ) is that your mom found a way to meet her own needs without really taking yours into consideration - understanding how the divorce (and boarding school) affected you, for instance.
--- Quote ---Mine has this way of cheerily “admitting” she’s “not perfect,” or as she puts it, “Nobody ever said life was going to be perfect.” But any real questioning of her abilities as a mother she meets with incomprehension.
--- End quote ---
Whenever my mom burned the popcorn (or anything else for that matter - cooking not being her forte :roll: :wink: ), she'd say, "I like it that way." Pretty cool response, huh? Well, actually, maybe...but for her, it was a way of shrugging off responsibility (instead of saying maybe I'll try to make better popcorn instead of always eating this burnt stuff :lol: - sorry, just realized how sadly funny that is). It may be that your mom was being honest with you and herself, but the "cheerily" and "incomprehension" bits gave me the impression that this was a defensive stance, as opposed to an acknowledging and accepting one. I could be way off, though.
--- Quote ---I once had a conversation with her when I was still hoping I might get through to her. I was trying to be really honest with her, and told her that I experienced a lot of fear in my life – that I felt fearful or anxious a lot of the time. I thought I might get a response like, “That’s too bad,” or “What are you afraid of?” or “Have you always been that way?” and we might talk about it. Here’s what she said: “I never feel fear. I can go anywhere and do anything, and I always feel completely safe and never worry.” I wish I had had the presence of mind to question her more about that, but I felt so completely rejected that I shut up.
--- End quote ---
Here you are turning to your mom (the right person) for help on how to deal with something you're struggling with, and instead of supporting you, she returns a kind of one-two punch in which she not only rejects your feelings, but she talks about herself instead of listening to you. What are you supposed to do with that other than feel inadequate or wrong or whatever for how you feel? Mom doesn't feel that way and doesn't even want to talk about it, so what's wrong with me that I feel this way?
I hope you're feeling okay. No need to respond, but that last paragraph really got me.
Wildflower
Navigation
[0] Message Index
[#] Next page
[*] Previous page
Go to full version