VOICELESS NO MORE!

[Lizbeth]

I just realized that during this past year (since I have turned 50), I have regained my voice.  Wonder if it is my age or if it just coincides with my learning about N’s and the damage they and other mentally disordered people have done to me throughout my life.  Therapy 3 years ago after the death of my schizophrenic mother started my progress towards regaining my voice, but the real change came after I started to research the behavior of my N son, in just the past 6 months or so.  The proverbial light-bulb went off and I’ve never looked back.  Now I have to learn to shut up, a bit, I think.  I haven’t learned to temper my voice yet when I find I’m being hurt or taken advantage of.  I’ll have to work on that now too.

Lizbeth

[Lizbeth]

Forgot to add that it will be one year to the date on August 8, 2004, that I was able to conquer my 30+ years of bulemia.   Something happened to me this past year since I turned 50, for sure.

[Nikole]

First off, CONGRATUALTIONS, LIZBETH!!!   (Oh, and happy belated birthday too!) Take no prisoners! Shout and scream, and emanate your inner voice! Even if it’s just saying hello to someone…    Don’t be silly…. There is no need to shut your lid at all, especially when you are being taken advantage of. I just think that you are enthralled by your newfound harmonious, powerful, beautiful voice, that the whole world can hear...bask in your glory...it’s something you should be doing anyway! With time, you will learn to control it. Remember you control your voice, it doesn’t control you.  

Best of luck, Lizbeth!

- Nikole

[Lizbeth]

That is great advice and encouragement, Nickole, thanks so much!  Healing seems to creep up on you and all of a sudden you realize you are much better.  I have even lost 35 lbs since the same day I ended my bulemia last august, on the Atkins diet (hubby has lost 47).  

I have always been the overly conscientious one in the family, taking care of everyone and worrying about everyone's feelings.  I don't know how they are going to like me with my new voice, but I guess, if they love me, they will have to get used to it!

Have a great weekend, it's going to be beautiful here!

Lizbeth

[rosencrantz]

Hi Lizbeth - Yes, I think there's something about being 50 that means a new coming of age for us women.  Our bodies are going into a new phase, so it stands to reason that there's a new emotional/psychological persepctive on life, too.

Congratulations on conquering bulimia!!!  That can't have been easy.  Looking forward to celebrating with you in August!!!
R

[Lizbeth]

Thanks, Rosencranz, appreciate your support too!  

I know that 50 doesn't feel old, it feels empowering. I have read that in several woman's magazines as well.  I espeically like the one called "More," which is for women over 40.  

I'll be 51 in May and I keep looking forward to more birthdays, especially if I keep improving the way I am now!

A year free of bulemia in August is certainly worth celebrating.  I was chained to this disorder since about the age of 17--it's been horrible.  I'm so thankful to finally be free of it.  I had to give up the illusion of "control" that it offered and work on really gaining control of my life.

Lizbeth

[sjkravill]

Hurray and congratualtions Lizbeth! This is a celebration! Overcoming an eating disorder is no easy thing!  Nor is finding your voice! You are strong indeed, and you hold out hope for others.

I also wanted to chime in to say that on a difficult day you give me hope...  I keep wondering if I will ever be unafraid of my voice... if there is maybe an age when I will accept myself, trust my own experience and intuition...  if I will ever be well, at peace, and free of whatever it is that seems to paralize me now... If I will live a life of celebration and confidence.  So maybe when I hit 50 :)  Only 27 more years!
Maybe the "magic age" is different for everyone... (I hope). In any case, knowing about the strength of others, to overcome incredible adversity and come out celebrating, gives me strength for the journey.

[rosencrantz]

I keep wondering if I will ever be unafraid of my voice... if there is maybe an age when I will accept myself, trust my own experience and intuition

Thanks for writing that.  You said what I feel.  Haven't I already said that a thousand times already?  Well, perhaps not so clearly.

And, you know what, sjkravill, YOU JUST DID trust yourself!  In writing what you wrote, you did what you thought you couldn't!!!!!

Now all you've got to do is just keep going.  Share more of that voice up there.  Share it here where it doesn't matter what you say.  You'll find that 'sound' follows 'thought' in time.  

Take care
R

[Lizbeth]

Sorry it has taken me so long to get back to you all.  Clearing up the leftovers from tax season, working all day and trying to get ready for our trip has just about wore me out (temporarily).  I do find myself with a vacation/cruise grin on my face now, just thinking about leaving next week for paradise!

I appreciate all the support this thread has brought from you members and also I am so happy that I have given others here some hope, that was an unexpected bonus for me in relating my new found voice and reclaimed life.  

Life gets better every day and I do believe that living well is the best revenge for those who have hurt us.  If I can find my voice again and live a good life, there is hope for everyone here, because my life was a total mess until I did something about it.

I'll be leaving on Monday, won't be back for 2 weeks, so I hope you all take good care of yourselves while I'm gone and don't let those N's get you down!

Lizbeth