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Easier because N parent is deceased???

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Anonymous:
Oh, gosh Nic, that was so scarey,  :D  I'm gonna be even nicer to my kids now, how does that bumper sticker go, "Be nice to your kids, they choose your nursing home" :!:  HAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Wasn't particularly funny, I just felt like a good laugh, in french of course, with one of those absolutely dirty little gargles thrown in at the end.

Love it! Hey Nic, I tried to order, "THE UNSAID", no results yet! hey I'd better get out of this thread now, before someone comes along and kicks me out. I've got "Malingering Disorder" Saw that one on the Psyche forum, I couldn't believe it  :shock:  :shock: . And hey, no-one had posted to it. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Gosh, would someone give a downer please!  :shock:

CG

CG

Wildflower:

--- Quote ---Ok, i'll admit to this fantasy.  I visualize wheeling them in to a private studio..each uncomfortably seated in a barely padded wheelchair. I place them side by side..then I lock the wheels..after tying their arms..and then I turn their hearing aids up to "9"..then I holler at them until i can't produce any more spit and my voice cracks...then I cell phone somebody to wheel them back to their world...until the next time!
--- End quote ---


Wow, Nic!!  Thanks for sharing THAT one.  When I was in college, I had a similar fantasy about my mom being tied to a chair and gagged so that I could finally tell her everything I needed to say without her interrupting or leaving.  Spooky. :D Or, natural reaction to N's???

As for whether it's better to have deceased N parents, how about this - either they go before the cause too much damage, or they stick around just long enough for you to get things sorted out again  :wink: .  But seriously, this is a great question, Peanut.  Thanks for the post!

Wildflower

write:
What if your N parents are still alive but you wished they WERE deceased.

well there's no rule says you can't live your life as though they are deceased, except

my common sense tells me that I would still "hear them" and know that I will never be totally free.

so that's what you need to work on, the 'voices' in your head. Consciously unravel all the crap you've internalised, reprogramme your inner voice.
Have you done any therapy?

These are great links I used a lot a couple of years ago http://www.rational.org.nz/public/BeliefsQuestionnaire/bel4.htm


http://www.rational.org.nz/public/BeliefsQuestionnaire/sup9.htm

As time goes on, the new ways of reacting will become more automatic. This happens when you use slip-backs as further opportunities to practice your coping skills. So don't see your downturns as events that 'shouldn't' happen. Rather, view them as inevitable human occurrences that you can use to your longer-term advantage.

Gingerpeach:
I don't have an N parent, but do have a soon to be exNH.  I could relate to the fantasies, as while in the thick of the relationship, I often fantasized about my NH's demise.

If he were late getting home and didn't call,  I'd start wondering where he was and thinking .....what if he had an accident?  What if he's dead and the police are on their way to tell me?   Well, you KNOW that at this point I'm hoping.... I'm praying  that he's dead !!  When he would show up an hour later, I can't tell you how disappointed I was !!!

There were lots of other fantasies, him falling off the roof while cleaning the gutters, the sailboat mast falling on his head.... stuff like that.  They all ended with him being dead and me getting the insurance and being rid of him though !!

I used to feel so guilty about those thoughts until on one of the websites I read that this was actually a sign of emotional health.  That it was the healthy part of you stating that it was alive and  well and was not accepting the N insanity.  And that healthy part must feel very stongly indeed to go to such lengths. Since I left him, I am in contact with his first wife and she had those fantasies too.

It is probably that we feel so powerless (so voiceless) that the ony way we can imagine ever getting free of them is if they were to disappear.  And the best and most complete way for someone to disappear is for them to die.  So it all makes pretty good sense to me.  

When the relationship with my NH blew up and I raged at him for hours for his perfidy, he actually took all the kitchen knives and locked himself in the spare room.  He said he was afraid that I was going to kill him.  I thought to my self....boy, you don't know the half of it.  

What I told him though was.....you don't ever have to worry about me killing you, you're just not worth the trouble.....lawyers, prison, etc.   Later I realized that it was the most perfect thing I could have said.  To tell him that I valued myself over him.  That he wasn't worth the bother.  Needless to say, it was the beginning of the end.

So, don't worry about your fantasies, they are the normal part of you that is not buying the N package.  But remember why you are having them.....it's definitely an indication that something is terribly wrong.  And maybe....well, probably telling you that this person as NOT good for you and doesn't belong in your life.

mrt:
Thanks Gingerpeach for your kind words!

You are so right. No N is worth ruining your life over. I think we all realize that deep down. But it's nice to find out that those thoughts aren't so aberrant after all and that we are not alone in thinking them.

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