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gl:
My N parents are being manipulative and are talking to my neighbors and family playing the vicitims.  One well meaning neighbor keeps asking me for my dad's cell phone number.  This last time I lost it and just glared at the man.  This time he asked if I knew dad's cell phone number by heart.  This "well meaning" neighbor has been trying to be a peacemaker but he is just playing to my parents need to Always be right no matter the cost to me. THEY HAVE NEVER BEEN THERE FOR ME.  I HAVE LEARNED THIS FROM 35 YEARS OF EXPERIENCE.  I AM ANGRY AND TIRED OF PEOPLE TELLING ME HOW MUCH MY PARENTS LOVE ME.  When you are loved no one has to tell you, you know it, you feel it.  I am ready to start telling the whole truth about my parents.  God help me.  I hate how I feel. :(  :(  :(  :evil:  :evil:  :evil:

Anonymous:
Hi GL,

Why don't you just tell these neighbors and family membersw that you would appreciate their not getting getting involved in the situation between you and your parents.  It truly is none of their business.  After saying that, if they bring up your parents in any way, remind them of what you asked and request that they respect your wishes.   If they don't, just walk away.  You owe them no explanation, and nothing you say about your parents will make any difference, you will just come out looking bad, which feeds your parents (good N supply).

Lizbeth

Lizbeth:
Sorry, that was me above, Lizbeth.  I logged in and it did not take!

sjkravill:
I think that is great advice from Lizbeth.
I recently had to ask a family member who I love dearly not to get involved with my relationship with N.  (She was also telling me how much he loved me).  It was very difficult and painful for both of us for me to ask her to stop without explaining.  But explaining only fuels the fire. Will she still love me?  I don't know what our relationship will become, but it really felt right to me, to set boundries.  

You said it GL, "When you are loved, no one has to tell you, you know it, you feel it."

You have articulated something that has been very difficult for me to understand with my N. What he does is use me to feed his ego under the guise of "love."  Everyone tells me how much he loves me (I wind up thinking I am crazy).  
Alas, his actions speek louder than all of words.  And, it's okay to quiet their words.  Maybe sometimes it is good to quiet all of the other voices because we have to strain so much to hear our own.
Good for you, for hearing your own voice!
Peace, sjkravill

mrt:
Hi GL,
I feel for you and I understand your anger and frustration perfectly.

Just tell your neighbors/family members bluntly "We aren't getting along - I don't want to talk about it  / or about them" or " I'm mad at them - I don't want to go into it" or "I'm angry at them and they are manipulating you to get me to come around. I will come around when I'm ready."  

To family members who try to tell you that your parents love you ( you know better 'cause with family like them who need enemies - huh)
Tell them "So they say - they need some major therapy before I will interact with them anytime soon!"  or "So they say - but you know I'm just not seeing it. Love is a verb. They can say it all day long but I just don't believe it." or " Thanks for your concern - can we talk about something else?"
 Just let people know that you would rather not waste your life discussing how your parents "feel" - You've cared for too long already (and it got you nowhere) That  their "feelings" are not a priority anymore because they have so many and you just can't keep up with them. That you have your own life to lead and they just need to grow up.

To the guy asking about the cell phone. Tell him "I'm not speaking to him right now - I don't want to discuss it.  his cell phone number is: xxx-xxxx - do you want me to write it down so you'll have it from now on?
 

 Stand firm. Keep on being strong. Refuse to be manipulated anymore. You've given enough. Don't let them take anymore.

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