Letting go/New beginnings

[axa]

I think it is timely that I am reading Pema Chodron at the moment. 

I will be packing up in a few weeks, leaving my place where I have lived for 30 years and making a new beginning.  I am filled with excitement and incredible sadness.  I look forward to the challenge of new learning, study, new life and I am so so sad about leaving the place where I brought up my children, my daughter's grave, my sense of home.  I may be back in a year's time but part of me feels that that is unlikely, that this is the beginning of something new and a different direction.  Thought I do own my house and will not be selling it, part of me feels homeless and lost.  I want to acknowlege that.

Izzy wrote on a thread about always wanting to know the ending and I can relate to this.  I think back on my life and how it turned out so different to how I thought it would be.

My dream was to be happy!!! Get married to someone I loved, have lots and lots of kids, have an career, grandkids, loving husband, animals, gardens, friends.........

The reality was I got married, divorced had two kids, one died, no animals, number of abusive relationships.......... and here I am in my middle years starting all over again.

I feel lucky that I have the choice to have another direction but I am sad at the loss of the life I wanted.  I feel alone and am ok with that mostly as I think fundamentally we are all alone anyway but it so did not turn out how I expected.

I have learned many lessons along the way.......... I have experienced some great joy with my kids and feel blessed for that, I have experienced some terrible suffering and abuse at the hands of Ns and have learned that my job is to protect myself........... so it is is now a time of uncertainty, change, anticipation and loss.  A bit of everything.

Axa

[Hopalong]

What a graceful, reality based post, Axa.

It's all there.

I hope while you're in school you'll still post...I would love to stay apprised.

You'll take the good memories with you. And the bad will take their space. But you're freeing your mind to be in the sun.

GOOD FOR YOU.

(I believe you will become happy, in new ways you hadn't anticipated. And animals...are everywhere.)

Mainly, Axa, I want to say, you are rich in time. I believe that.

love
Hops

[Certain Hope]

Dear Axa,

I just want to wish you the very best and brightest new beginning... an abundant life, overflowing with blessings and joy.

You have certainly had plenty of suffering... I'm so sorry about the loss of your daughter - just read of that on another thread.
((((((((Axa)))))))

If we were standing face to face, all I'd have is a hug and to tell you that God loves you so much.
So I'll leave it at that.
Take good care... and I do hope that you'll be back to post from time to time.

With love,
Hope

[Ami]

Dear Axa,
  I started reading literature again What you wrote reminded me of some of the great authors like Thomas Wolfe. Literature shows  human emotions , sufferings, hurts,joys and passages. Your post reminded me of these things.
  Axa, my life turned out so differently that I expected ,too. On the outside, it "looks" like the life I expected ,but, on the inside ,it is almost the opposite. It would make a good "Twilight Zone. Everything on the outside  is a mirror image of the inside.
   I lied in my childhood and teens thinking that I had a devoted ,protective mother and father. I married someone who I was told would be the right type of person to marry. I was abused . My M said,"Don't think you are coming here." My parents sided with the abuser. Now, after all these years of marriage, I am trying to get strong enough to sort out my life..
 Axa, the board will always be here. God will be there. I admire you so much for your courage. I wish you could send a little this way to this scared little mouse (me).
  I never told you how sorry I am about your dear daughter. I think that that type of loss puts you in another category of suffering than most people have experienced
 You will be in my thoughts and prayers as you  go forward. I really admire how you are doing this  Love  Ami

[lighter]

(((Axa)))

All I can say is....



I understand and relate to finding myself on a similar path in life.....

2 children, divorced, bad relationships........



the opportunity to have a different life and make wonderful choices.  



I wish you the grace to edit THINGS from your life, while packing. 

It makes me feel hopeful to picture you finding clears spaces  to grow and feel sacred......

connected to the moments in your life. 

I would be bothered about leaving my safe familiar life/place behind too but,

I would also look forward to new doors opening,

and seeing what's behind them.

Where they lead.

You'll make mindful choices... I know. 

It'll be OK, (((Axa))

::sending prayers your way::

[Gaining Strength]

My dream was to be happy!!! Get married to someone I loved, have lots and lots of kids, have an career, grandkids, loving husband, animals, gardens, friends.........

The reality was I got married, divorced had two kids, one died, no animals, number of abusive relationships.......... and here I am in my middle years starting all over again.

Axa, I am so clearly responding out of my own particular place in healing but here I sit, middle aged onthe brink of wholeness for the first time after working towards it my entire adult life.  Your description of your dream could fit precisely into my own.  But I will not give up that very dream. Each and every day I slip onto the verge of deep dispair and regret over my life.  I start to see my progress as too little too late but then I STOP.  I will not go down that road because I chose to see the path behiind me as a necessary though unwanted prelude to the fulfillment of my hearts desire.  I do not know how I will get there from here but I simply refuse to give it up.

I simply put this out there as a possibility for you.  From my own place I want you not to give up but to beleve the dark days are over and will actually lead you into your light.  My prayer for you as you move forward is to walk in your light.  - your friend - Gaining Strength

[axa]

GS

THanks for such a lovely and uplifting post.  I too think that wholeness is within my sights but I struggle with my sabotaging old self.  I don't want to give up either and sometimes it feels like there is a battle going on inside of me.  Maybe this is the dark place before the light, lots of sadness and fear whirling around at the moment.

CB

Not ready to go from here by any means.  I gotta make it to 102 to be in my middle age!!!!  Yes, scary days at the moment but still hanging on in there.  Am not going to give up now.  Thank you for mentioning your excitement for me, gives me a boost...... feel like I am nearly grown up!!!

AMi,

What a lovely thing to say, made me feel very pleased and happy.

I just love the kindness of the people on this board.  I feel you are all so important in my life.  I know that you are here and I am not sure I know that about any people in the REAL world

And Hope, I would snuggle up into your arms and take all those hugs with such grateful appreciation.

xxxxxxxxx

axa

[Hopalong]

I was thinking of hopes I'd had that aren't realized...
but I realize I wouldn't go back because
I don't want to relive the past!

My peaceful if lonesome present is so so so
much better than the Nagonized past.

So if this is old divorceehood, it's richer than I imagined.

Axa, I ain't budging, ears always here.

love
Hops

[teartracks]

axa,

Mash the peddle and go for your dreams.   Some of my  most productive and fulfilling 'work' was done smack dab in midlife. 

(((((((((axa - daughter))))))))

[debkor]

Axa,

I did not want to let this thread go without saying anything.  I just didn't want to say you will do great and wish you happiness because that is not all I feel.

I felt happy/sad from what you said.  But I want you to know it was very hard for me to let the N's go NEVERMIND someone I really liked and who is GOOD which is you.  I do wish you all the best but I am sad to see you go and not be posting that much.

I just wanted to let you know you were more then just a Poster.  You were an on line friend and I will miss you but excited for you at the same time. 

Love
Deb

[Hopalong]

Aaaack!

 
I reeeefuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuse to say goodbye to Axa.

(She's not gone AWAY, just changing locations, and starting an adventure...and sure enough I know she'll post when she can...)

I hooooooooooooooooooooope.

Hops

[axa]

Deb,

What a lovely post.  I am not going away from the board in fact over the past week I have felt a need for the support here more than ever.  This move is bringing up lots of feelings for me and I feel quite anxious.  I know I am not taking care of myself AGAIN because my pattern is when I am feeling afraid to squash down the feelings with food etc.  Back on that old threadmill again.  I am finding this move much more difficult than I had anticipated.  I am not worried about the practical issues because I know I can manage them, but I am struggling with what feels like "leaving home".  While I know it is a positive move leaving behind my home, daughter's grave etc seems like such a huge thing to do.  Just feeling vulnerable I guess.

axa

[Hopalong]

She's not there, hon.
She's in your heart, Axa.
You may feel closer to her than ever as you reach forward to new life...
because she would want that for you, absolutely.

It's okay to move forward. It's respect for the meaning of life to take the opportunities and even enjoy them.
It's not neglect of her to be happy. It's not forgetting. It's embracing all of it and feeling it's worth stepping on anyhow.

love to you, and so glad we're all not parting,
Hops