Author Topic: Do not know how to call this.  (Read 7053 times)

Ami

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Re: Do not know how to call this.
« Reply #15 on: August 04, 2007, 03:39:23 PM »
Dear Lupita,
   I wanted to say two things. One is that you ARE getting stronger and better. It is slow b/c you have been conditioned all your life to 'hate" yourself. Two, Your son CAN do that with you b/c you DID NOT BREAK him. Your mother broke you. You are dealing with apples and oranges here. My mother made a comment about ,"Why can't you just tell me 'no", the way that her sister's kids do?" The answer is that she broke and abused me. Her sister loved and respected her kids. That is the end of the story.
   I heard that in you and wanted to address it b/c it will become another club that you beat yourself with.
  Do you see that you have changed? I see it by how you are on the board. It IS very discouraging how slow change is when you have been brainwashed . You WERE brainwashed by your M to hate yourself and to see yourself as worthless trash.
   Your job, as I see it, is to undo the brainwashing. Easier said than done ,of course.
  I really wanted to say that I see growth in you.even though you may not .             Love  Ami
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.        Eleanor Roosevelt

Most of our problems come from losing contact with our instincts,with the age old wisdom stored within us.
   Carl Jung

lighter

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Re: Do not know how to call this.
« Reply #16 on: August 04, 2007, 08:45:09 PM »
I feel guilty for not feeling well now. Because they need my joy and entertaining. I have to impact their life. But I am so drained now.
I want to impact their lives in a positive way. It is hard. They are sucking up my soul. I HAVE TO BE STRONGER.



Oh fiddle dee dee, Lupita.

You have ever right to take a break and recharge. 

They aren't your sole responsibility while they're there with you. 

Make sure you get some down time and don't feel guilty about it. 

Can't you drop them at the mall and go nap......

or......

something?

I'd be way over the edge by now with all the demands and rude behavior mixed in with fun, laughter and dancing, lol. 

Sounds like an exhausting roller coaster ride to me: /

Hopalong

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Re: Do not know how to call this.
« Reply #17 on: August 04, 2007, 10:12:54 PM »
How many more days to go, Lup?

I hope there's a break in the clouds and you find more happy moments with your SIL.

You get the Visiting Family Endurance Award, that's for sure.

(Honorable Mention to Izz...)

Keep your chin up, you'll make it through this time,

Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

Lupita

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Re: Do not know how to call this.
« Reply #18 on: August 05, 2007, 12:00:52 AM »
Thank you friends. Thank you so much for taking the time, for reading, for writing, for thinking about my problems.
Thank you. We had a wonderful time today. We went to eat at a restaurant by the beach. Had beer and walked by the marina. Came home, and went to the jacuzzi and swimming pool. Cold, hot, cold hot, hydrotherapy. Bubbles and jets, just relaxing by the moonlight reflexed on the water. Not knowing if it was a dream or a hallucination.

lighter

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Re: Do not know how to call this.
« Reply #19 on: August 05, 2007, 05:30:14 PM »
I'm pretty sure it was reality..... posing as a dream: )

So glad you had a good time, Lupita.

::sigh::

There'll be more of those to come.

Lupita

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Re: Do not know how to call this.
« Reply #20 on: August 06, 2007, 08:45:59 AM »
Thank you dear friends, for all your help. The visit is almost over. They leave on Wednesdya. I can say that we have had a very nice time. Beer, jokes, beach, dancing, laughing. Exactly what I like to do. When that happenes, I do not mind to sleep on the floor.
I still have something to discuss with you if you please want to help some more.
I have noticed that my mother, my sister in low, my aunt G, and I do not know who else in my family, like to talk about ugly things to me. Only to me. Only in private. If somebody else appears in the picture suddenly, they change subject and talk very nicely, funny, but when alone again, they go back to complains, negativity, etc. My sister in low complains about my brother, despite the fact that I have told her that he is my brother, that I have problems with him too, and that it hurts. My mother does about me, how bad I am, how I mistreat her, and my aunt goes about my grand mother, how she dares to bring me all the time when she came to visit her, instead of not bringing other children, so she can devote all her time to play with my aunt's children. It seemed like these people spotted me as the victim and they revictimized the victim by abusing me too. There I am, listenign to all their crap.
Last night, my son and my niece went to the movies, but after all day at the beach, my sister in low and I were very tired. So, here we are, alone again, there she starts, your brother here and your brother there. So I said, why is that you always choose me to talk about negative things, and if somebody comes you change to a nice conversation? What do you talk about with your sisters? with your mother? Then she said, I do not talk about this with my mother. She cries too much. So, then I am the lucky one. Why dont you go to the psychiatrists? Are you afraid he will tell you to separate? I have been alone ofr 17 years. I dont put up with those kind of things. Then she said, OK let us change the subject. Then she started talking nicely. I guess, my boundaries are easy with her. She did not put a fight. Is it flip flop? hypocresy? politeness? honest good person? I do not know, and I will never know. I only know that I had fun with her and she probably will not be able to come back in a long time.

Lupita

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Re: Do not know how to call this.
« Reply #21 on: August 06, 2007, 08:57:30 AM »
The other thing I needed to talk about with my dear friends of the board is that, ofr the first time in my life, I enforced a boundary with my brother, yesterday. I did.
My sister in low and niece have been shopping all week long. We planned this trip to the beach all week long too. My brother called yesterday and asked us to go shopping  for him, and buy  two computers for them to take home.  That would mean to go for hours to Best Buy or Office Depot, and find prices, call him, then, find out of properties of the computer and call him, and they let him decide what to buy. That would have meant to cancel the trip to the beach. I said, they have been shopping all week, why you did not think about this all this time? We planned for this trip all week. They have been here for ten days. And now, do you think it is fair for us to cancel the trip because you changed your mind? He said thanks and said that the girls were going to suffer because the computers were for them. I turned to my sister in low, do you think this is fair? And she said no. And I have to deal with this all the time. She said.
So, I did not feel sad because I decided to go to the beach, that was what I wanted. I thought I pleased them all week, now I wanted to go to the beach. Not shopping.
I enforced my boundaries and did not feel sad for it.
For the first time in my life, I thought about my self, and put my self before others.
What do you think? Thank you in advance for your comments.

Ami

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Re: Do not know how to call this.
« Reply #22 on: August 06, 2007, 10:09:27 AM »
Dear Lupita,
  I think that having them there was a "good" thing. You were forced to face yourself and forced to see your self destructive patterns. It really hurt,but you learned quite a bit.
   This is what I am saying about the NC rule. Sometimes, you need to have contact to face the patterns that you would not see UNLESS you had contact.
   Anyway,I am happy for you,Lupita. Do you feel stronger inside,now?
  I think that it is HORRIBLE that you are the 'garbage pail" for your family. However, you saw it and changed the pattern in that one interaction with your SIL.
   That is a BIG step. You are doing GREAT                                 Love  Ami
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.        Eleanor Roosevelt

Most of our problems come from losing contact with our instincts,with the age old wisdom stored within us.
   Carl Jung

Lupita

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Re: Do not know how to call this.
« Reply #23 on: August 06, 2007, 10:27:15 AM »
Ami, Ami, Ami, thank you so much. It is like you are reading my mind and telling me exactly what I want to hear. And yes, I feel better. I feel stronger and I feel happy. Please, keep telling me this wonderful things.

Lupita

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Re: Do not know how to call this.
« Reply #24 on: August 06, 2007, 10:36:06 AM »
I remember two weeks ago, when setting boundaries ofr the first time with mi friend J the mother of O. She calls me many times and asks me where are you instead of how are you. So I said “why?”
Then yesterday twice, to my brother in the morning wanting to cancel my trip ten trying to make me feel guilty because those lap tops are for my sister in low and my niece and they are going to suffer for my “selfishness”, but I did what I wanted to do and did not feel bad at all. Then at  night with my sister in low, telling her why she talks negative only with me and how she changes topic when somebody  else comes. My aunt, my mother and my sister in low dump on my. I don’t know if dump is the correct word, but it is throwing away trash. On the same person all the time.
I dump on my son all the time. He is always helpful. I do not want to use him. I love him with all my heart. He is so good.
Yes, I am progressing. It is sad that it has to be with my family that I start instead  of friends. But it is with my family where all started to begin with.
One day I am going to set it strait with my aunt. I will tell her and confront her about her BS. But, knowing her, she is going to cry and tell my cousins etc. That day is not here yet. I am not ready for that yet.

Lupita

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Re: Do not know how to call this.
« Reply #25 on: August 06, 2007, 11:14:50 AM »
My sister in low will have a lot of pressure from everybody to say bad things about me. Then My mother will tell me I told you she was the enemy.
If she talks bad about me I am going to feel very sad. I hope she does not. I hope she has the strenght to say nice things, the videos will talk on thier own. We have videos. Pictures.

It is going to be peinful if she says bad things about me.

lighter

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Re: Do not know how to call this.
« Reply #26 on: August 06, 2007, 11:24:05 AM »
Lupta:

When you set your boundaries you seem to feel so much better.

I guess not being shoved over the line and getting so upset before we do it...... is the goal?

Not just with family...... but in all areas of our lives.

Do you think it gets to be ho hum same old same old, at some point?

I sure hope so. 

Congrats on setting boundaries then enforcing them. 

As for people getting you alone then dumping their anxiety and complaints on you......

I n n a p r o p r i a t e.

When you asked your SIL why she does that and if she does that with other people..... that was perfect, IMO.

(((Lupita)))  You're learning, lol!

Lupita

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Re: Do not know how to call this.
« Reply #27 on: August 06, 2007, 12:16:34 PM »
I know I should not care. I know it does ot matter. But I am shaking in my socks, thinking, what is my sister in low is going to say about me when she gets back home. It is eating me alive. I know, I know. It should not. I am a good host. I tried my best to do the best for her. It should not matter to me what she is going to say about me. But, given the tendencies of my family, nobody is ever grateful, nobody says thanks, nobody is loyal. I think, she will probably say bad things about me. But I hope, secretely, I hope that she might have liked me as a person and say good things about me. God knows how much I would like for somebody to like me.

lighter

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Re: Do not know how to call this.
« Reply #28 on: August 06, 2007, 02:43:45 PM »

Lupita.... I can identify with the fear that family members, I count on for support, will jump sideways and make trouble where there really shouldn't be any.


I can calm myself down by thinking about the worst case scenario.

What would happen if they went back and made stuff up, exagerated things that happened and pretty much got others upset and barking too?

I come up with a simple, short response to anyone who wants to be upset in my direction then I stop thinking about it.

Then, I think about what it would mean to ignore them while they run around in circles, chasing their tails.

Not my problem and I think they'll stop doing it to you if you hand the responsibility back to them, and refuse to participate.

Withdraw with love.......

A response to craziness might be....

'I'm sorry if SIL feels that I wasn't a good/polite/fun (insert the appropriate criticism) hostess.  I'm sure she'll keep that in mind the next time she thinks about visiting again.'

Then leave it at that.

If people expect you to extend themselves...... they can stop being unfair, critical, pain in the a** trouble makers. 

If they don't mind your withdrawing with love, then they can continue that innapropriate behavior you've chosen no to participate in.

Does that make sense?



 






I know I should not care. I know it does ot matter. But I am shaking in my socks, thinking, what is my sister in low is going to say about me when she gets back home. It is eating me alive. I know, I know. It should not. I am a good host. I tried my best to do the best for her. It should not matter to me what she is going to say about me. But, given the tendencies of my family, nobody is ever grateful, nobody says thanks, nobody is loyal. I think, she will probably say bad things about me. But I hope, secretely, I hope that she might have liked me as a person and say good things about me. God knows how much I would like for somebody to like me.

Lupita

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Re: Do not know how to call this.
« Reply #29 on: August 06, 2007, 02:52:50 PM »
Dear Lighter, Very dear Lighter, yes it makes sense. I hope I can apply it. Dont know if I can. Better say, I can, but I know it is going to be painful.