Hi R (S)
There's a lot to be said for being 'guest' sometimes. I experience a whole heap less expectations here for a start. So I don't get the same pressure that you do.
I'm glad you wrote/spoke up at work to that person. I'm sad that it's been happening to you at work. Your letter seemed a very 'right' gutsy move and I hope it has the desired effect. Being undermined by such "furtive collusion" of harrassment and abuse is like fighting blindfolded with a one hand tied behind your back, but the other people don't have the same constraints.
This is an horrid situation for you.
I hope this was not your last post here, but if it was I'd understand. You're exhausted and I believe you. If something affected me so badly I'd have to wonder about the value of participating, and what I'm achieving.
I just want to say, if I may, that it's not the forum that's the problem.
It's not the people here.
It's not the cleaner or the healer.
These are just people, often hurting themselves, who sense your insight and wisdom and the light that you have to share.
In wanting to get closer to the light, which is only too natural, they've suffocated you and exhausted you.
Or picture the man passed out on the street, people crowding round, someone shouting "Stand back, stand back, give the man some air!!"
Or, picture the Titanic. Remember that movie? Remember the women and children in life-rafts? I am such a bleeding heart that had I been charge of one of those life-rafts I'd have wanted to pick up every drowning person I rowed past and fit them in too.
But what does a responsible life-raft captain do? Pull in everybody, and risk the lives of the women and children, or row like hell past the drowning screams, block them out, focus on his responsbility, and damn well save those that he have been given responsibility for? This is my picture that I have of you anyway Rosencrantz, and of what's been happening with you.
You find it hard to row past the drowning screams. You want to save everybody you can along the way. But, if you try to do that you'll be responsible for capsizing your raft, and everyone in your raft will perish too. What will you have achieved then??? Nearly saved some strangers whilst destroying your own family????
Add the rest of the analogy, this is also a scary part.
The screaming drowning people are not going to let you pass anyway!! Not with out a fight, they are going to demand and try to get in. They're going to ruthlessly attempt to get you or your passengers out, pull children out, and get in themselves.
I'll drop that line now, I know I'm being extreme here, but the picture I have in my head is quite extreme. I'm not going to use the word boundaries. I'm totally sick of it, and I don't think it's adequate here anyway. We're not talking about boundaries. We're talking about life and death. Mental and emotional health. Not some neat little garden picket fence, which is a property boundary.
How about a huge overwhelmingly tall and solid Wall of China type of construction, over 30 feet thick, visible from the moon for cripes sake!!
You have a good heart, but (and I fear to say this) you don't know how to look after it yet. You give way too much of it out and away, and by doing this you're weakening it, and making it into a sick weak heart as a result.
I'd say to you, if it were me, (and you've already said it yourself anyway)
work out who are the important people. And you give to them and no-one else. You determine how much, give in your own meaured way, and no more. I don't think you owe this board, or anybody here one more bit of advice. Unless you feel like it.
Just take baby, take and take and take. Drink till you're filled. Recover. give where you want, and take where you want. Put yourself on light duties. Or take off, ignore, drop the whole thing, whatever. (We'd be sad, but you know what I mean when I say that)
But just remember why you found your way here. You learned about Narcissism and lot's of stuff finally made sense to you. And you've wanted to understand, research, develop ideas, and build strength to deal with the effects of N behaviour. You can now spot N behaviour a mile away now.
But, you're also now realising there are other deeper issues in your life.
It looks to me like the N stuff just scratched the surface. I'm not sure that it can all be dealt with here.
Because you've learned so much here do I also see in you a sense of responsibility to almost 'repay the debt' by being here for others?
You don't owe anyone here anything, not your time, not your life, nothing. Funny, I know you know that??? I don't know, but after this, I'll just keep bein' a free radical, free floatin', bumpin' round the board. I've learned a lot here today. I hope you are okay S. Take care of yourself and your yourself first and foremost. A rose, is a rose, is a rose, is a rose.
Love and warmth hugs(h) to you and your mental health(h).
CG
