Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > What Helps?

About Boundaries

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Certain Hope:
Good point, Amber... thank you.

That's part of what I meant about fine-tuning, when bringing this back up.

There had to be alot of No's and even more questions, early on... at least for me, there did, because I was so out of connection with my own feelings.

Practicing flexibility is possible now... but before, it coulda been disastrous.

Carolyn

Certain Hope:
My own current review and exploration of boundaries is now focused on re-examing and re-evaluating these fences and gates from a Christian perspective.
The best way I know to do that is to consider what Jesus did.

Now, whether you think that Jesus was just a good man, or a mortal prophet, or whether you believe that He is God incarnate, the living Lord….. it seems most folks agree that He set a pretty good example.
Personally, I believe that Jesus Christ is Lord … Savior and King… God of all… but I'm not here to preach or to proselytize.
My point is that Jesus (imo) does not in the least resemble the milktoast image with which He is often portrayed in our time. Seems to me that meekness is often confused with weakness.... resulting in the sort of "cult of nice" mentality (recently mentioned here on the board) in which evil prospers, by default!

To me, the full efficacy of the truth - spoken clearly and decisively - is a demonstration of boundaries in action, as illustrated in the Bible passage quoted below. This is, imo, a wise, wholesome, and proper method of confronting error.

There are many more examples in Scripture, but I’ll begin with this ~ Matthew 23 ~ the entire chapter... because this is the passage which most convinced and convicted me, personally, when I was given up to the chains of religion, instead of relationship with God. I was totally decrepit and bound, yet preaching and teaching religion (not true Christianity), all the while boozing it up and feeling quite superior to those whose beliefs did not coincide with my own.
It was during this era that I met NPD-ex, so in a way, he really was the fruits of my labor.
And so I know, from personal experience, that this passage can shine light into the darkness of hypocrisy and open the way into new life…. Or not.

Was Jesus attached to the consequences when He first spoke it?
I know that He cared.... that He loved these people.
Did His love and caring prevent Him from speaking up?
No way.
And I am so very glad that it didn't... because if He had not spoken these same words into my heart, I would still be trying to reach God through religion… dead inside and utterly unaware. This is proof positive to me, personally, that unpleasant and quite inconvenient truth can change a life, when one has ears to hear.
Anyhow, this thread isn't about religion or even about God - it's about boundaries - and I think that Matthew 23 is an excellent example of the use of clear verbal boundaries that aren't mushy or squooshy or even a smidgen fuzzy.

Then Jesus spoke to the crowds and to His disciples, saying:

 "The scribes and the Pharisees have seated themselves in the chair of Moses; therefore all that they tell you, do and observe, but do not do according to their deeds; for they say things and do not do them. 

"They tie up heavy burdens and lay them on men's shoulders, but they themselves are unwilling to move them with so much as a finger.
"But they do all their deeds to be noticed by men; for they broaden their phylacteries and lengthen the tassels of their garments.
"They love the place of honor at banquets and the chief seats in the synagogues,  and respectful greetings in the market places, and being called Rabbi by men.  "But do not be called Rabbi; for One is your Teacher, and you are all brothers.  "Do not call anyone on earth your father; for One is your Father, He who is in heaven.  "Do not be called leaders; for One is your Leader, that is, Christ. "But the greatest among you shall be your servant.

Whoever exalts himself shall be humbled; and whoever humbles himself shall be exalted.

 "But woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites, because you shut off the kingdom of heaven from people; for you do not enter in yourselves, nor do you allow those who are entering to go in.
 "Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites, because you devour widows' houses, and for a pretense you make long prayers; therefore you will receive greater condemnation.
 "Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites, because you travel around on sea and land to make one proselyte; and when he becomes one, you make him twice as much a son of hell as yourselves.
 "Woe to you, blind guides, who say, `Whoever swears by the temple, that is nothing; but whoever swears by the gold of the temple is obligated.'

 "You fools and blind men! Which is more important, the gold or the temple that sanctified the gold?  "And, `Whoever swears by the altar, that is nothing, but whoever swears by the offering on it, he is obligated.'
 "You blind men, which is more important, the offering, or the altar that sanctifies the offering? "Therefore, whoever swears by the altar, swears both by the altar and by everything on it. "And whoever swears by the temple, swears both by the temple and by Him who dwells within it.  "And whoever swears by heaven, swears both by the throne of God and by Him who sits upon it.

 "Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites!
 For you tithe mint and dill and cummin, and have neglected the weightier provisions of the law: justice and mercy and faithfulness; but these are the things you should have done without neglecting the others.  "You blind guides, who strain out a gnat and swallow a camel!
 "Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! For you clean the outside of the cup and of the dish, but inside they are full of robbery and self-indulgence.
 "You blind Pharisee, first clean the inside of the cup and of the dish, so that the outside of it may become clean also.
 
"Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! For you are like whitewashed tombs which on the outside appear beautiful, but inside they are full of dead men's bones and all uncleanness.
"So you, too, outwardly appear righteous to men, but inwardly you are full of hypocrisy and lawlessness.

 "Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! For you build the tombs of the prophets and adorn the monuments of the righteous, and say, `If we had been living in the days of our fathers, we would not have been partners with them in shedding the blood of the prophets.'  "So you testify against yourselves, that you are sons of those who murdered the prophets.  "Fill up, then, the measure of the guilt of your fathers.

 "You serpents, you brood of vipers, how will you escape the sentence of hell?"
 "Therefore, behold, I am sending you prophets and wise men and scribes; some of them you will kill and crucify, and some of them you will scourge in your synagogues, and persecute from city to city, so that upon you may fall the guilt of all the righteous blood shed on earth, from the blood of righteous Abel to the blood of Zechariah, the son of Berechiah, whom you murdered between the temple and the altar.  "Truly I say to you, all these things will come upon this generation.  "Jerusalem, Jerusalem, who kills the prophets and stones those who are sent to her! How often I wanted to gather your children together, the way a hen gathers her chicks under her wings, and you were unwilling.  "Behold, your house is being left to you desolate! "For I say to you, from now on you will not see Me until you say, ` Blessed is He who comes in the name of the Lord!'"

Certain Hope:
As I was saying, Jesus' words to the crowds of religious folks finally cracked my heart wide open.

Even once NPD-ex was out of the picture, I still operated under many of the same prideful delusions, "working" in a Christian chatroom, still drinking, and still thinking that I was empress of all that was good and true. Really, I did. I even listened to the Bible AnswerMan... (that makes it official!) until this passage hit me and God spoke to my heart and said...
"I didn't make you to be a heresy hunter. Just get to know Me."
About a year later, He showed me that I didn't need to drink anymore, either.
All this time I'd thought it was about storing up the right ways... when it was really, actually, all about letting go of the wrong.

And then there's the Sermon on the Mount... turning the other cheek and all. How do boundaries fit into that?   Back in my religious days, it was the beatitudes which kept me under N's foot.
I actually knew from very early on that he was not right... but I had pledged myself to him and would not go back on my word. Now that is religion!

Here's the beginning of an old message that's helped me to see these things in a new light:

In the Sermon on the Mount, Jesus makes an astounding statement that, over
the centuries, has led to an enormous amount of debate about his meaning.
Matthew 5:38-42

38 “You have heard that it was said, ‘AN EYE FOR AN EYE, AND A TOOTH FOR A
TOOTH.’ 39 “But I say to you, do not resist an evil person; but whoever slaps
you on your right cheek, turn the other to him also. 40 “If anyone wants to
sue you and take your shirt, let him have your coat also.

Jesus says don’t resist an evil person, and if someone asks for something, give it
to him. Jesus says, don’t resist and don’t set limits on evil. Some of us have
asked ourselves, “is this really what Jesus wants us to do?” Now, we find in
Jesus’ own life something very interesting. He does something opposite of what
he says here in the Sermon on the Mount. Do you remember before Jesus went
to the cross when Jesus was on trial before the High Priest and was struck by an
officer and how he handled that?

John 18:23 tells us, Jesus answered him,
“If I have spoken wrongly, testify of the wrong; but if rightly, why do you
strike Me?”

Does this look like turning the other cheek to you? Instead of turning the other
cheek, Jesus challenges the officer’s strike. On another occasion, Jesus again
teaches something opposite of turning the other check when he says in
 Luke 17:3 “Be on your guard! If your brother sins, rebuke him; and if he repents,
forgive him.   

Here again, rebuke doesn’t sound like turning the other cheek, but
instead resisting evil.

We may wonder how we can reconcile Jesus’ teaching in
Luke 17 with what he said in the Sermon on the Mount about not resisting evil.
The answer is that Jesus is teaching two different responses to evil. Jesus
provides wisdom for each of us to know how to respond to evil in each individual
case that we encounter.

Sometimes the wise response to evil is to turn the other
cheek and let people have what they want, even when it seems unjust. Like
when Jesus allowed himself to be crucified.

At other times, the wise response to
evil is to resist evil directly by setting limits on it. Of these two different
responses, this morning we are going to focus on protecting ourselves from bad
things and preserving good things by setting limits.

Certain Hope:
Here is the continuation of that old message I'd saved for reference.  Left off a few weeks ago with this:

At other times, the wise response to
evil is to resist evil directly by setting limits on it. Of these two different
responses, this morning we are going to focus on protecting ourselves from bad
things and preserving good things by setting limits.

And now, to continue...

Another word for a limit is a boundary. Boundaries are lines that mark a limit,bound, or border. An example of a boundary in the physical world is a fencearound a property. In the physical world, the fences are visible, but in the inter-personal world, the fences or boundaries are invisible. Just like in the physicalworld, in the interpersonal world, boundaries help us to distinguish our propertyso that we can take care of it. Among other things, our boundaries mark what wewill allow and what we will not allow in our yard, that is, in our lives. Boundaries help us to keep the good in and the bad out. Boundaries help us to know when to say “yes” and when to say “no.” Having healthy boundaries is vital for having quality relationships.

Boundaries are basically anything that helps to differentiate you from someone else. The most basic boundary that defines you is your physical skin.
People often use their boundary of skin as a metaphor for saying that their interpersona lboundaries have been violated.
They say, “He really gets under my skin.”
Our skin boundary keeps the good in and the bad out. Our skin boundary keeps the germs outside, protecting us from infection.
At the same time, skin has openings that let the good in, like food. How can we create boundaries? We can create boundaries, with our words.
The most basic boundary setting word is “no.”
Many passages of Scripture urgeus to say “no” to others’ sinful treatment of us such as we looked at earlier from Luke 17 when Jesus said,
“if your brother sins, rebuke him.” T
he word “no” is a confrontational word. God wants us to confront people and say, “No, that behavior is not OK.”
Can you think of someone in your life that you need to begin saying “no” to?
Perhaps they are treating you in a disrespectful way,raising their voice at you, using profanity around you, not keeping their commitments to you, asking more than you have the resources to give.
In thosecases you can set a boundary by saying, “No, that behavior is not OK.”

We can easily recognize the sin of the person who is mistreating us.
But we are also sinning if we allow the mistreatment and we don’t set boundaries on theirbehavior.
On the one hand, we need to set boundaries, on the other hand,perhaps you are in the opposite situation and you need to apologize to someonefor violating his boundaries.
In additionn to saying “no,” another boundary we can use is physical distance.
We can physically remove ourselves in order to replenish ourselves physically, emotionally, and spiritually, after we have given to our limits.
On some occasions (such as in Mark 6:30-32) Jesus left the crowds he ministered to, to be alone sothat he could replenish himself.
We can also use the boundary of physical distance in order to avoid harm.
This is referred to in Proverbs 22:3 ~ A prudent person foresees the danger ahead and takes precautions; the simpleton goes blindly on and suffers the consequences.
This Scripture shows that we can physically remove ourselves from a situation in order to set a boundary. We can physically remove ourselves from those who continue to hurt us and go to a  safe place.

More as I continue my own review of these most basic boundaries.
Right now, I'm practicing removing myself from the potential for... upset... which occurs when I'm put in the middle between two individuals who are engaged in a power struggle.
In a very real situation within my very real life... lol... I was asked for my opinion on something, but it was quite clear that I was expected to agree with the one asking.
I said, "I cannot say what I really think, because then I feel that I will be viewed as taking sides" .... and I turned and walked away.
That was the absolute wisest choice to make in this instance, I am convinced.

Carolyn


Carolyn

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