money and anger

[towrite]

Oh, Mud - you really hit a nerve! She CANNOT buy me. That goes way down deep.

My mother is a narcissist only to me. She never was to my two brothers. What's up with that?

Anger is/was the biggest sin in my family. M & F could get angry and it was ok - they could just deny it after. But let one of us get angry???  I cannot count how many times I got slapped or beaten for even suggesting anger. To this day, my brother has his anger so deeply buried that his surface is extremely passive, sometimes like there's no life in him. He's terrified of his own or anyone's anger. All his life's energy, his spirit, is buried deeply with his anger.

I would like to move to another city. Best be looking for a job somewhere else.

[Ami]

Dear towrite,
  Could you explain more about how she was a' N" to you and not them? I never heard anything like that before. Are you saying that you were the scapegoat and the other kids were the "golden "ones.                                           Love  Ami

[Gaining Strength]

often children are not allowed any emotions.  Remember for the Ns, children exist to help them displace their extreme emotional pain.  They are not nurturers but users.  Children exists only to make the Ns feel better.  So a child is not allowed anger because the N cannot deal with it.

The topic money and anger really caught my attention.  One of my greatest struggles in life has been re: money - specifically because of the way my wealthy parents used it and continue to use it to control me.  I bought in for so long and now THAT i HAVE A NAME FOR THE BINDS THAT TIE ME i CAN BEGIN TO WORK MY (oops Caps Lock) way out of it.  But I am in a very precarious financial situation with a very difficult work history (my parents sabotaged my employment as well).

That is why I have so identified with your plight since you arrived towrite.  It is a very difficult place to be and very difficult thing to get out of and from what I can see even few of those of us here struggle with the extreme inability to provide for ourselves financially.  My struggle has always been tied to my psychological crippling by my parents and after 15 years of T I am only now at the place where I fully understand how I got here.  Now how in the heck can I get out.

(Didn't mean to hijack.) - Gaining Strength

[towrite]

The topic money and anger really caught my attention.  One of my greatest struggles in life has been re: money - specifically because of the way my wealthy parents used it and continue to use it to control me.  I bought in for so long and now THAT i HAVE A NAME FOR THE BINDS THAT TIE ME i CAN BEGIN TO WORK MY (oops Caps Lock) way out of it.  But I am in a very precarious financial situation with a very difficult work history (my parents sabotaged my employment as well).

That is why I have so identified with your plight since you arrived towrite.  It is a very difficult place to be and very difficult thing to get out of and from what I can see even few of those of us here struggle with the extreme inability to provide for ourselves financially.  My struggle has always been tied to my psychological crippling by my parents and after 15 years of T I am only now at the place where I fully understand how I got here.  Now how in the heck can I get out.

(Didn't mean to hijack.) - Gaining Strength

You didn't hijack - it was good to know more about you. Yes, I watch my mother volunteer to foot the bill for my nephew to get help - a special school, etc. ($$$$$) - while I sink into financial oblivion. DON'T get me wrong - I do not begrudge my nephew one dime. But it makes me wonder if he were my child instead of my brother's, would she do the same?  I'd have to say 'no', based on the way she's treated me.

Thanks.

[Hopalong]

GS...

A NAME FOR THE BINDS THAT TIE ME

Blackmail.

 

Hops

[Bella_French]

often children are not allowed any emotions.  Remember for the Ns, children exist to help them displace their extreme emotional pain.  They are not nurturers but users.  Children exists only to make the Ns feel better.  So a child is not allowed anger because the N cannot deal with it.

The topic money and anger really caught my attention.  One of my greatest struggles in life has been re: money - specifically because of the way my wealthy parents used it and continue to use it to control me.  I bought in for so long and now THAT i HAVE A NAME FOR THE BINDS THAT TIE ME i CAN BEGIN TO WORK MY (oops Caps Lock) way out of it.  But I am in a very precarious financial situation with a very difficult work history (my parents sabotaged my employment as well).

That is why I have so identified with your plight since you arrived towrite.  It is a very difficult place to be and very difficult thing to get out of and from what I can see even few of those of us here struggle with the extreme inability to provide for ourselves financially.  My struggle has always been tied to my psychological crippling by my parents and after 15 years of T I am only now at the place where I fully understand how I got here.  Now how in the heck can I get out.

(Didn't mean to hijack.) - Gaining Strength

I can totally relate Gaining Strength and towrite. I have had `dependence issues' my whole life, and I think its because independence is a big no-no in a  wealthy family. It represents a threat to my parent's leverage (through their money) , and somehow I've internalised it. Gaining strength, do you  feel guilty or nervous when you have been independent? Is that kind of thing you face? Or is more direct sabotage? It is good talking to you about this; thankyou.

[Bella_French]

Oh, Mud - you really hit a nerve! She CANNOT buy me. That goes way down deep.

My mother is a narcissist only to me. She never was to my two brothers. What's up with that?

Anger is/was the biggest sin in my family. M & F could get angry and it was ok - they could just deny it after. But let one of us get angry???  I cannot count how many times I got slapped or beaten for even suggesting anger. To this day, my brother has his anger so deeply buried that his surface is extremely passive, sometimes like there's no life in him. He's terrified of his own or anyone's anger. All his life's energy, his spirit, is buried deeply with his anger.

I would like to move to another city. Best be looking for a job somewhere else.

It was the same in our family; the sons were loved and overly-spoiled, the daughters hated and overly- punished, and anger was absolutely forbidden (except for hers,  of course). Her two Sons have grown up to be monsters, and so now Mum is trying to get close to her daughters so that one of us will take care of her in her old age. Lately, her eyes have been set on me, but I'm not interested. I predict that she'll live another 35-40 years anyway, so I don't want to buy into her fear of aging yet anyway. Even though spending 35 years playing who-gets-the-inheritance games sounds awesome.

Hugs to you towrite. Anger is a problem for me, too. I totally understand!

[Gaining Strength]

LOL Hops - blackmail indeed.  Thanks for your direct clarity.

Now Bella - you and towrite are touching on something that my brother actually said outloud to me this week, he said that my mother as well as my father is biased against women.  BINGO.  He named that elephant in the living room.  I finally saw that was true of my father 4 or 5 years ago.  (Boy was THAT denial on my part for several decades.)  But I never got it about my mother.  Why would a woman feel that about her own daughter????? Can you say P-R-O-J-E-C-T-I-O-N? 

Boy how slow can I be?  I did figure out, almost 20 years ago, that my mother named me after herself so she could take things out on me, sort of like a little voodoo doll.  So how did I miss this big one?  Who knows.

Bella - here's my name for the "who-gets-the-inheritance game" - CONTROL.  After my horrid 10 weeks of struggle with my father's hospitalization and his nasty belittlement of my brother's and me I found myself able to let go of my hopes of inheriting my rightful share from him.  It has truly changed my life.  I had no idea that I had bound myself to him by that hope.  I let it define me and was oblivious to that.  I have since realized that I (fast approaching 50) have been waiting for my parents to define my role in life, for them to set my in my rightful place.  (Don't rake me over the coals for that.  I really had no clue - it was completely unconscious.)

All of my llife, "family" was important to me.  I really never, ever thought "family" could be my worst enemy.  I never, ever thought I could go from being part of a prominent family (both mother's and father's families) to being a persona non grata.  I didn't have any concept of how to become my own person.  Now I have to create that out of nothing.  Well at least I am free, free from the crazy hopes of "belonging" to that destructive "family".

(there I go - hi-jacking again.  Well I'm sorry towrite - this topic definitely touches my buttons, this is definitely an area that calls for a lot of work from me.  Thanks so much for starting it.)

Gaining strength, do you  feel guilty or nervous when you have been independent?

 
I feel cut off, abandoned, left out.  It's simply never been allowed or tolerated.  And I didn't want to be left out but the crazy thing is that I was left out regardless.  What a waste!! If only I had understood that at age 22.