Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > What Helps?

Epidemic Nice-ness

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Stormchild:
Uh huh. Yep yep.

I see Joe as the classic clueless enabler. His mommy was probably a beeyotch like Sally... and he still has no idea what the problem is. He definitely owns part of it, but nothing like as much as Sally does.

Bella_French:
I really liked the article; thank you so much for posting it.

I think `passive-aggressive' and `being too nice' probably shouldn't have been rolled into the one label though. There are some people who are really just very nice by nature, and other people who use `nice' as a tool to get what they want subversively, and who are not really very nice people at all.

The other thing I've noticed is that `legitimately nice' people seem to eventually grow and embrace assertive skills, because they are not afraid to get all their cards onto the table. They have good intentions and are happy to be open, with a bit of encouragment and experience.

`Passive aggressives' often resist assertiveness because their goals are aggressive and abusive. They don't want to `ask directly' for something, because the likely answer would be `no'. They prefer passive aggression as a tool to get what they want, because they can `appear nice' whilst behaving abusively.

I just wanted to draw the distinction, because I have found that so many `too nice' people are really wonderful people and tend to grow with time.

X Bella

 



 

Certain Hope:
Hi, Bella,

You're welcome!
I hear what you're saying... and I agree that "too nice" is not always packaged together with what we may consider traditional passive-aggressive behavior.
But please note that passive aggression is not always acted out...
for instance, we're not told that Joe did anything in this little story to punish Sally, nonetheless he retains (and accumulates) passive aggression.

The whole point here to me is that the anger is passive, as opposed to active, and I also believe that it's cumulative... often resulting in disease.
 
So I think that if a person is not getting angry about being used by others, then that person is probably not "too nice"... unless he/she is so caught up in enabling that it's become a lifelong role. I don't really know anyone like that, though. "Too nice" always results in plenty of anger and resentments, from my experience with people. From what I've seen (and done!), that anger often results in a person playing a martyr/victim role.

And that's how it was for me, which is why I really identified with Joe.
I stored up the anger and continued to chalk up little gold stars on my internal scoresheet.
I don't think that I really acted out against those people for whom I'd accumulated resentment as they'd taken advantage of my "niceness".
What I did was to judge other people by my standard of niceness and find most other folks lacking... and that made me far from a genuinely wonderful person. It also continued to attract me to other "too nice" people who were actually just as boundary-less as I... as well as some really bad abusers.

It's hard to explain, but now I understand that the people I used to view as good and helpful, but less than completely caring (they didn't have as many gold stars as I), are just exactly the ones who were genuinely "nice", without being "too nice". I was too nice out of fear, not out of any real understanding of what it meant.

Anyhow, I don't feel that I was very genuine or wonderful then, but things are looking up considerably these days :) It's so good to feel real!

Thanks, Bella, for the opportunity to talk this through more thoroughly! I knew there was something here that I was missing, but couldn't quite express it.
Hope I haven't made you dizzy... lol. Hugs.

With love,
Hope

Hopalong:
Hope,
This is so terrific...

--- Quote ---now I understand that the people I used to view as good and helpful, but less than completely caring (they didn't have as many gold stars as I), are just exactly the ones who were genuinely "nice", without being "too nice". I was too nice out of fear, not out of any real understanding of what it meant.
--- End quote ---

What a BIGGIE. I wish you'd come give a lecture to some magnolias I know... :)

And you are genuine and wonderful--you're just becoming moreso.

Hops

Certain Hope:
lol.. Hops... the lecture circuit, eh?  The magnolias are blooming?

(((((((Hops))))))) Thank you for your sincere compliment... I gratefully accept!

I like you too, Ms. Wonderful... you are just the right amount of nice and... I must say, it's a pleasure growing up with you  :)

Much love,
Hope

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