Someone Save Me...

[gratitude28]

This was my inner cry for wayyyyyyy too long. As I said, I am reading Dr. Laura's book now and I realized that this is what I did for years. I am lucky I didn't lose my husband over it... I wanted him to "save" me from drinking and was mad when he didn't. I did so many things as a cry for help, I believe now, to see if I could get my parents to care. But it was too much trouble or too embarrassing, so they just ignored everything.
I don't look for anyone to save me anymore. But I am working on allowing people to help me a little when I need it now.
Love, Beth

[Ami]

Dear Beth,
  That is HUGE. I am really so happy for you . It is a life changing insight.
  I always wanted to be taken care of ,too. I think it may be b/c we were not taken care of at the right time-- so we are so, so hungry for care and nurturing..                           
  I think that life does not work if we want people to take care of us. There must be some"rule of life' that it just won't work this way. We will always be disappointed and angry.
  I am just starting to face these things. I am on the very first baby step of facing this .                           
  I think that it has to do with having your own power. I think that a "sad' fact of life is that no one can have your power for you. They will not use it right. I guess that it was only supposed to be yours
  Maybe,it was like Dorothy's slippers in Wizard of Oz. No one else could wear them or they would get "shocked".
   I really "hate " this lesson,in a way. It is the death of many dreams like about "true love". There is something very sad about giving up your dreams that someone will really be there for you . Do you agree with how I am seeing it?                       Love  Ami

[James73]

Hey Beth yes we must all help ourselves first and then accept a hand or two along the way, the buck stops with us and we must kick the bucks bum to oblivion! 

[Certain Hope]

Dear Beth,

Just in the past year, I've recognized how very dependent I've been within relationships and upon relationships... for acceptance, for definition... I was always the one who disappeared into the other. But along with that was a huge amount of pride and self-sufficiency which prevented me from reaching out for genuine help. Not a good combination of traits, for sure... very dissatisfying.

A couple years ago, it really struck me hard... just how afraid I was to reach out.  I'd stepped into a dropoff in a river and panicked inside, but absolutely could not say a word about it to the people who were nearby. I was talking with a lady who was passing by with a child on a floatie, and I just kept trying to talk and talk... the whole time, thinking, "I'm dying here... I'm going to drown!" and treading water. Now that is some serious pride... or was it just terror at being helpless and a notion so deeply buried within that I must never, ever, ever need a n y t h i n g   from anyone. Scared me awake...
but I still can't completely explain it. How I could be so terribly afraid and not say a word.

Love,
Hope

[Ami]

WOW Hope,
  That is a pivotal moment. I see it as (perhaps) being a metaphor of many things in your life. I think that if you could get to the bottom of it ,you would heal  deeply.
  Maybe, working with the inner child would help. I have gotten HUGE help from this. You could identify the various parts and then let them speak to you.
                                   Love    Ami

[isittoolate]

Hey Beth yes we must all help ourselves first and then accept a hand or two along the way, the buck stops with us and we must kick the bucks bum to oblivion! 

Ditto from Izzy and I know no one will help me. I am on my own and really???? It works better because we rebuild ourselves to suit ourselves, not someone else.

AND we lose that dependency, the tendency to always complain, the tendency to appear pitiiful,  the tendency to maybe even drive people away.

I mean that! In the long run we are alone, in this rebuilding, but not so alone if we have a support system or books that help!

Love Izzy


[attachment deleted by admin]

[Hopalong]

James, sane, strong friend...

How good to hear you!
I hope things are going well for you.

love,
Hops

[James73]

Hey Hops good to be back posting again  been busy lately with the business and generally trying to get some semblance of normality back into my life, hopefully this coming year I can make some healthy wonga which will make a nice change from being flat ass broke    fingers crossed!

[gratitude28]

Hey all!!!!
I agree, James, I was happy to see your Yoda here Speaking of which... we went to a Weird Al concert Thurs night and he did a full Star Wars set - it was awesome. And I like your clicheism, James...
((((((((((((((((CH, Ami, Izzy))))))))))))))))... was hoping someone would see something from themselves in the idea... The nice thing is that here on the site I am seldom alone in my warped thinking. LOL
Love, Beth

[Overcomer]

Hey Beth.  I am going to say something and I want you to know that I do not mean anything mean by it, it just comes after reading and posting to the Emotional Vampire thread.  When you say that you wanted your husband to save you from your drinking, it sounded so much like my ex boyfriend who played the victim, etc.  Do you feel that you were a drain on your husband emotionally???  That you were one of those Emotional Vampires??

Also, the fact that you have won over this need to be taken care of.  Does that mean that there is hope for people who do this???

I know that in my cousin's ex husband's case, his parents were really mean to him.  It was like the girls were treated wonderfully and he could never do anything right.  So the poor guy had no self confidence and became emotionally "needy>"

I know that all of us grew up with so much disapproval, etc.  Does that set us up to be "needy?"  I know sometimes I just want my mom to love me enough to want to take care of me, not just take care of me when I am in dire straights and need her to be the hero.....

[gratitude28]

Kell,
I think neediness is self-centerdness. Yes, I was a drain on my family. Because it was all about me and my drinking. And it was all about me and how people didn't appreciate me. AA made me see that there is something more than me and that I need to give back to the world, not just take from it. Can another person do it? Yes, if he or she wants to and is willing to humble his/her self. It's not an easy thing to do. It feels like a break... like starting over from scratch. I also think without this knowledge I could not have dealt with the knowledge of having an N for a mother... It was hard to accept that I was right - that my mother actually despised me. So if you have belief in something, it does help you to understand these things.
Love, Beth

[Certain Hope]

Can another person do it? Yes, if he or she wants to and is willing to humble his/her self. It's not an easy thing to do. It feels like a break... like starting over from scratch.

Dear Beth,

Exactly...  a break, like starting over from scratch.

I stopped drinking when I realized that there was no need for it anymore... no abuse from which to hide.
I stopped because I didn't want alcohol to control me.
That's when I saw myself and the humbling began. What the drinking was covering was a total lack of identity.
All the abuse of npd-ex was nothing compared to the way I'd been abusing myself, by trying to become what others needed instead of growing into a self of my own. Mostly, I needed to grow up... but I didn't know how.
My mother did not give me the tools; she did not teach me anything but how to become her... and that was unacceptable.
My dad taught me how to cope with my mother (with all the stresses of life) by using humor, by engaging in denial, and by drinking... and that is 2/3 unacceptable.
Through my husband, God is teaching me how to become "me" and not just a shadow of my former self.

Love,
Hope

[James73]

Hey Beth! Wierd Al rocks    Love his songs theyre well funny, I like the eBay song he did and the Avril Lavigne one, Constipated  A whole stars wars set eh? sounds bodacious!!

[gratitude28]

James,
It was the coolest concert I have ever seen. He changed costumes after almost every song and he is an amazing performer. I enjoyed myself tremendously!!!!!!! Have you heard his polka version of today's pop songs????
Love, Beth

[James73]

No I havent heard the Polka one of todays songs, ill have to try and check it out somewhere,

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s46s0YcvNVM

thats not it is it? They 80's ones so it probably isnt that one. Ill have to check out one of his concerts, my mate will be well up for it as he loves Weird Al too, i havent been to a concert in about 10 years so its about time I checked one out again!