Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Is It Always N Behavior to Violate Others' Boundaries?
Certain Hope:
--- Quote from: BonesMS on August 14, 2007, 08:26:26 PM ---
Also, with my "friend", I couldn't help but notice that she refused to even acknowledge me as I got out of their car...refused to look in my direction or even speak. I just let it go and went about my business. I just didn't like the feeling of being physically violated after she had been told "NO".
Bones
--- End quote ---
Dear Bones,
I know this one. Enforcing your "no" made you invisible... you ceased to exist in the eyes of the person by whom you refused to be violated, with whom you would not... meld. Maybe this is some primitive, instinctual response, I dunno, but my dog has this behavior... when she's wanting to do something about which I'm determined to set firm limits, she simply tunes me out & gives me her back. When I try to turn her head toward me to make eye contact, she will look any other direction but at me. A toddler will do the same thing. It's a very passive form of defiance which says, "you're not the boss of me."
Umm... back to dogs - they have no sense or consciousness of self, right? A dog looks in the mirror and thinks she's seeing another dog. Seems to me that's what is going on with these people who are unable to see those with whom they feel close as... "other". I imagine you become invisible any time your opinion or view differs from hers. That's how it is with me and my mother.
Love,
Hope
BonesMS:
--- Quote from: Bella_French on August 15, 2007, 04:21:29 AM ---Lol, I wanted to punch her after reading your post, Bones. Not that I would, but thats how I felt.
Yes, I think the ability to commit boundary violation can be a trait anyone can have, for any number of reasons. But she sounds like a weirdo. She seemed to do things you asked her not to do *right after you asked her not to do it*. That's what I find weird, to the point where I wouldn't feel very comfortable with her as a friend.
Maybe the others are right, and she was jealous..that sounds like a good explanation.
Can you get rid of her somehow?
--- End quote ---
Thanks, Bella!
I have made no attempt to contact her since I arrived back home and she has not communicated with me....which is fine by me.
Bones
BonesMS:
--- Quote from: Certain Hope on August 15, 2007, 08:29:46 AM ---
--- Quote from: BonesMS on August 14, 2007, 08:26:26 PM ---
Also, with my "friend", I couldn't help but notice that she refused to even acknowledge me as I got out of their car...refused to look in my direction or even speak. I just let it go and went about my business. I just didn't like the feeling of being physically violated after she had been told "NO".
Bones
--- End quote ---
Dear Bones,
I know this one. Enforcing your "no" made you invisible... you ceased to exist in the eyes of the person by whom you refused to be violated, with whom you would not... meld. Maybe this is some primitive, instinctual response, I dunno, but my dog has this behavior... when she's wanting to do something about which I'm determined to set firm limits, she simply tunes me out & gives me her back. When I try to turn her head toward me to make eye contact, she will look any other direction but at me. A toddler will do the same thing. It's a very passive form of defiance which says, "you're not the boss of me."
Umm... back to dogs - they have no sense or consciousness of self, right? A dog looks in the mirror and thinks she's seeing another dog. Seems to me that's what is going on with these people who are unable to see those with whom they feel close as... "other". I imagine you become invisible any time your opinion or view differs from hers. That's how it is with me and my mother.
Love,
Hope
--- End quote ---
Good point!
If this "friend" is unable to respect the boundaries of other people, then she is NOT a friend!
Bones
Certain Hope:
--- Quote from: BonesMS on August 15, 2007, 09:08:31 AM ---
Good point!
If this "friend" is unable to respect the boundaries of other people, then she is NOT a friend!
Bones
--- End quote ---
Exactly, Bones. She is probably not a person with whom you (or anyone else, I don't suppose) will be able to share the level of trust and intimacy which we all need for nourishment.
I'm in the midst of recognizing this within some of my own relationships.
You've defined some of her behavior as unacceptable and told her so, as I have with a couple of friends. What's next?
For me, it's to feed these folks with a very long-handled spoon, lest I get my arm chewed off.
Practically speaking, that means I keep them in my prayers and love them from a good safe distance, free from the repercussions of their lack of boundaries which can assault anyone nearby with overflowing anger, interference, sabotaging behavior, and any number of other negative consequences.
Hope
Overcomer:
Do you think N people have a sense of entitlement hat makes them think they are exempt from normal courtesy? I know my mom is always tugging at my shirt or licking her finger to wipe something off my face. The last time she did that I grabbed her arm and said DO NOT SPIT ON MY FACE!
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