Is It Always N Behavior to Violate Others' Boundaries?

[BonesMS]

Spotted this in today's Annie's Mailbox:

Dear Annie: I am having a problem with my mother-in-law. My husband is so upset that he doesn't plan to speak to her again.

My mother-in-law is a smoker. So are my husband, mother and father-in-law. We have asked everyone to smoke outside because I have young children and one has upper-respiratory issues. We have a screened-in porch with comfortable furniture where people are welcome to enjoy themselves. No one has a problem with this except my mother-in-law. She refuses to smoke outside. In addition, she refuses to visit unless she can smoke wherever she wants.

Mom doesn't believe smoking causes health issues, so we no longer allow our daughter to visit Mom at her home. In the past, our daughter has come home with inflamed bronchial tubes, requiring a nebulizer to breathe.

Mom has turned this into a major feud, saying we are disrespectful to her. In her attempts to force us to allow her to smoke in the house, she has said some pretty nasty things to my husband. My husband is a wonderful son and has always been there for his mother whenever she needed anything. Now he is "dead" to her.

Mom has told the entire family that we cut off access to the grandchildren "for no reason." She sent my parents a lengthy e-mail to "let them know what we were doing to her." She phoned our 10-year-old daughter and said Mommy and Daddy won't let her visit. She told her to work on convincing us to let her smoke inside.

We have never said a bad word to this woman. We always speak to her calmly, but we are not going to give in about the smoking. We've begged her to visit more often so our daughter can see her, but she refuses to abide by the rules. What can we do? — Texas

Dear Texas: Nothing. You have made your home welcoming to smokers and non-smokers alike. Your mother-in-law is being a selfish pain in the behind and values her convenience over her family.
This is HER choice. Continue to be calm, but do not give in. Shame on her.

==========================================================================

Boy, does that attitude and behavior from the MIL-from-hell sound familiar!

[sKePTiKal]

Yeah it does Bones...

... it's interesting that I'm really focussed on Annie's reply, though.

Your mother-in-law is being a selfish pain in the behind and values her convenience over her family.
This is HER choice. Continue to be calm, but do not give in. Shame on her.

That is soooo simple for her to say, isn't it? And I'm sure that if she were in Texas' shoes, it would still be that simple for her. I am fascinated with how it can be this simple for some people to dismiss the pain in the butts of this world so easily... when myself and so many others have been put through so much agony, instead. I want whatever it is that makes this so simple for Annie, you know?

[BonesMS]

Yeah it does Bones...

... it's interesting that I'm really focussed on Annie's reply, though.

Your mother-in-law is being a selfish pain in the behind and values her convenience over her family.
This is HER choice. Continue to be calm, but do not give in. Shame on her.

That is soooo simple for her to say, isn't it? And I'm sure that if she were in Texas' shoes, it would still be that simple for her. I am fascinated with how it can be this simple for some people to dismiss the pain in the butts of this world so easily... when myself and so many others have been put through so much agony, instead. I want whatever it is that makes this so simple for Annie, you know?

I agree!  I don't think the advice columnists have any clue what it means to deal with an N!

[teartracks]

Bones,

Doing whatever it takes to push ourselves to the forefront, with no regard or love for the other person would qualify as a boundary breaker everytime!

tt

 

[BonesMS]

Bones,

Doing whatever it takes to push ourselves to the forefront, with no regard or love for the other person would qualify as a boundary breaker everytime!

tt

 

Oh yeah!!!

And when it comes to child endangerment, especially if the child has severe asthma, I would be a Momma Tigress protecting my cub no matter what!

Bones

[BonesMS]

 

[BonesMS]

This letter appeared in "Dear Abby" today.  It sounds and feels painfully familiar!


"MOM'S PARANOIA DAMAGES HER DAUGHTER'S SELF-ESTEEM

DEAR ABBY: My stepmother -- the only mother I have ever known -- has been clinically diagnosed with a paranoid personality. This means she is suspicious, a martyr in any situation and flatly denies anything she thinks would cast her in a negative light. She can be very convincing. Once or twice she has even convinced me that my memories were wrong, although the facts were later corroborated by other family members.

People who can't see through her "act" consider my mother to be a saint. Those who see her clearly know that she's spiteful and vindictive. She has, for years, refused to take her prescribed medicine and won't explore any other treatment. She insists the problem is with everyone else, especially me.

You have told others about the need to cut toxic friends and relatives out of their lives, but how does one do it? I know there will never be closure or a good relationship, but I can't help wanting one. I'm in my mid-30s and feel if my mother doesn't love me, how can anyone else? -- NEEDS A RESOLUTION IN GEORGIA

DEAR NEEDS A RESOLUTION: You have more than one problem. Removing toxic individuals from one's life is as easy as refusing to go along with their behavior. Once you draw the line, those people will "help" you by cutting you out of theirs. Your mother's mental illness may prevent her from loving anyone -- not you specifically.

I hope you realize how important it is to discuss your feelings with a licensed psychotherapist. You have an entire upbringing by a woman with a damaged personality to overcome. The fact that she couldn't love you does not mean you are unlovable. And the sooner you are able to accept that, the more lovable you will be because you will like yourself more."

What do you think?

Bones

[Guest]

I think it's a good answer Bones, and i do like "those people will "help" you by cutting you out of theirs" (that actually is a help, tho takes a while to get it).

Whether the daughter will hear the advice, I don't know. Therapy is the way I think.

[BonesMS]

I think it's a good answer Bones, and i do like "those people will "help" you by cutting you out of theirs" (that actually is a help, tho takes a while to get it).

Whether the daughter will hear the advice, I don't know. Therapy is the way I think.

I agree!  The question and challenge is to find the right therapist who "gets it" with situations like this! 

Bones

[Guest]

I imagine that isn't the easiest of tasks Bones. I'm thankful (understatement) that I didn't have to do that.

[BonesMS]

I imagine that isn't the easiest of tasks Bones. I'm thankful (understatement) that I didn't have to do that.

You're lucky!

Bones

[Guest]

Chance had everything to do with it Bones!
(I had no idea how lucky it was. So lucky I'd weep if I thought about it enough. After the chance it was mainly insanity and persistence, a great combination.)

[BonesMS]

Chance had everything to do with it Bones!
(I had no idea how lucky it was. So lucky I'd weep if I thought about it enough. After the chance it was mainly insanity and persistence, a great combination.)

I presume the insanity was on the part of the N?

Bones

[Guest]

Not what I was thinking about Bones. But I have known qute a few crazy people.

[BonesMS]

Not what I was thinking about Bones. But I have known qute a few crazy people.