My Feelings

[lighter]

This isn't a pic of some second removed half cousin uncle... is it, lol?

JK.... and I want to scoop that baby up and snuggle her in the sun then nap for an hour.

[isittoolate]

Thanks you,
You know, changing, when patients take everything with a rain of salt, no one is likely to be too concerned, generally speaking. I was the grain of salt type, I expect, and no one became overly concerned? I was 30 and well accustomed to not crying from childhood.
Happy bed making! You may use my invention, free of charge.
Tell me what’s wrong with your printer!!   

And Thank you Hope,
I was shy as far back as I can remember, and that is when the others in the family laughed at me, pointed, sniggered, (Dad often set them off), ridiculed and taunted. Therapist believes this to be the beginning of crawling into a hole inside.
Then I developed the fear as well. Fear that everyone would be like the family. I so hated to be singled out.

Thanks cats paw
The video, Johnny Cash, Hurt? I’ve heard the song Hurt, but I heard only once, the song I thought I heard said was what he wrote for June. MANY of Johnnny’s songs used to make me cry. That was ‘cuz they made me think of my daughter’s father, (He’s dead now) I have a couple of his DVDs and lots of CDs—I could try again?

Aww lighter
You want to hug me when I was little—I was never hugged then.

What a sorry life!

Love to all +Hops

Izzy


[attachment deleted by admin]

[Certain Hope]

Dear Izzy,

You're welcome This feels good, mostly... and peaceful and safe, too.
I haven't cried about my first daughter's father for over 25 years.
Had a chance to see him again when we visited that daughter in hospital last month, but he avoided it.
I was prepared... I think. Would have been interesting.
Or not.

He finally did remarry and has a grown step-daughter.
He was my first "love"... but then I barely knew him and surely didn't know myself.
I did speak with him on the phone before our visit to the hospital. He "forgives" me... heh.
Daughter says he's told her he knows it was all his fault.
A bit conflicted, I guess.

No room for "what ifs", though. Wouldn't have these three other hoodlums, etc. if there'd been a what if.


Love,
Hope

[isittoolate]

I found these, maybe even on this Board, to send to my brother in my Saturday message. He will be 65!

1.)
To this day, his anger is so deeply buried that his surface is passive, sometimes like there's no life in him. He’s terrified of his own or anyone's anger. All his life's energy, his spirit, is buried deeply with his anger.

2.)
The pain of shame comes when you believe that something in life has damaged you,
perhaps permanently and beyond repair. Maybe you were abused, ridiculed, or neglected as a child. Maybe your family hides some dark secret, or you have been involved in some activity you deem subhuman. Whatever the cause, you see yourself as defective and worthless, and every day for you is a "walk of shame."

The pain of shame forces you to fear being exposed for who you really are. Thus you do one of two things: you work desperately to be perfect, to be above scrutiny, or you withdraw from life and don't even try to measure up.

I think he is really trying to understand about what I told him and sister.
Izzy

[isittoolate]

hi Hope

My first too. Met in '61 and he died in '79, at age 47--i had left him in '66 and it was a suicide.

[bigalspal]

Hi Izzy,
I can't stay on the board for very long, due to lack of strength, but I wanted to give you a big (((((((((IZZY))))).
I'm sorry about your past & the hurt you went (still going) through.
Sounds A LOT like my story, except I was always crying.
I wish I could be strong like you & hold more in.
I think BOTH WAYS can be very damaging.
People always sense weakness in me & exploit that.
I wish I could play my cards closer to the vest, but have never learned how.
Anyway, I wish you peace!
Love,
Bigalspal

[Certain Hope]

I found these, maybe even on this Board, to send to my brother in my Saturday message. He will be 65!

1.)
To this day, his anger is so deeply buried that his surface is passive, sometimes like there's no life in him. He’s terrified of his own or anyone's anger. All his life's energy, his spirit, is buried deeply with his anger.

2.)
The pain of shame comes when you believe that something in life has damaged you,
perhaps permanently and beyond repair. Maybe you were abused, ridiculed, or neglected as a child. Maybe your family hides some dark secret, or you have been involved in some activity you deem subhuman. Whatever the cause, you see yourself as defective and worthless, and every day for you is a "walk of shame."

The pain of shame forces you to fear being exposed for who you really are. Thus you do one of two things: you work desperately to be perfect, to be above scrutiny, or you withdraw from life and don't even try to measure up.

I think he is really trying to understand about what I told him and sister.
Izzy

Dear Izzy,

Yes, I recognize the quotes.
You are sending those to your brother to explain what you think has happened in your emotional life?
I hope that he sees... I think he will.

The quotes describe my life, too.. but I don't think that my brother or parents would be interested to know that. I'm glad for you that your brother cares.

Love,
Hope

[isittoolate]

hiya Bap

I hope you are coming along!

Playing cards close to the vest---Aha!  that is me--I NEVER tell anyone anything unless I really want them to know.
Is that playing close to the vest?
I am in BC becasue I came here with a P. Now I'm 5 years gone from him, but if anyone asks me things, like why I am here alone, no family, I say, "Who could resist this beautiful Okanagan weather, where the Winters are great--3 days long, and that beats fighting 6 months of winter in Ontario." By that time they have forgotten what they asked, or else I gave an honest answer, which it is--but not the initial reason.

I think BOTH WAYS can be very damaging.

Me too

Well I've had a very crazy life because I remember the childhood dysfunction and now I am  68--Grandma of the Board--- same age as some poster's N mother LOL!!!    

My beginning, in not learning about life, etc. has made me make bad choices, and I couldn't stop my daughter's choice of an N--though I didn't know about N-ism at the time. Anyway were were estranged in 1991 and are still semi -estranged. She is 43, but my mind holds the picture of her as a teen.

I am always surprised (but not ought to be) when people say I am strong. My therapist says competent and strong. I have come through many adversities, but suicide was never a choice. I come out ahead but that's only one battle won, not the War.

I am in the War on this Board. Trying to fit all the adversities into one person and see WHY and WHERE all feelings are hidden and HOW to find them!

Love Izzy

[WRITE]

I am in the War on this Board.

did i miss something?
I told you I'm too introspective these days, I never know what the heck is going on

 

Well Izzy, I lost my temper last night and roared at my ex, I think there may be a down-side to this self-expression thing.
My son ran to the bathroom to hide and we had to apologise to him ( and each other ) after.

He’s terrified of his own or anyone's anger. All his life's energy, his spirit, is buried deeply

I've always done anything to avoid anger, I thought it would be so out of control especially if I got angry....

Maybe it's an evolutionary thing, something to do with a pack order or communal good or something?

Louise Hay thinks it's responsible for tons of physical illness.

Johnny Cash keeps coming up again and again, my patients really identify with his music,  I must look up his biography.

Here's a song he wrote about his wife:

Meet Me In Heaven

Johnny Cash

 

We saw houses falling from the sky

Where the mountains lean down to the sand

We saw blackbirds circling 'round an old castle keep

And I stood on the cliff and held your hand

 

We walked troubles brooding wind swept hills

And we loved and we laughed the pain away

At the end of the journey, when our last song is sung

Will you meet me in Heaven someday

 

(Chorus) Can't be sure of how's it's going to be

When we walk into the light across the bar

But I'll know you and you'll know me

Out there beyond the stars

 

We've seen the secret things revealed by God

And we heard what the angels had to say

Should you go first, or if you follow me

Will you meet me in Heaven someday

 

Living in a mansion on the streets of gold

At the corner of Grace and Rapture Way

In sweet ecstasy while the ages roll

Will you meet me in Heaven someday....
 

[lighter]

Hey Write:

If you don't mind sharing.... .what did your ex do that triggered that roar, from you?

[isittoolate]

hi hope

http://www.voicelessness.com/disc3//index.php?topic=5246.60  Message 70? tells what I said to them here, and then my brother asked me to wait 2 weeks and to write to him about how I felt about the weekend. I'm not sure what his intention is on that, but all I an say is that when they came to the door it was as though only a couple of weeks had passed, not 9-11 years. I enjoyed the 2 days, the next day was surreal, but don't we all have to get back to work?

So those quotes are to be iin the message, as an extra boost to help him understand. I told them some things out  but where is the proof? They both are younger than I, but *I* remember. So psychology enters the picture.

What I noticed in particular was that I said something about how I felt at age 15 (he would be 11) then I scooted away to have a few cig puffs away from him and he was thinkng, and brought up the topic--he was interested--WHY did I feel this way ay 15? so I told him and now this will be a followup letter with quotes NOT from me, about hidden feelings.

He also thanked me for "smoking away from him". I appreciated that, as he never said "no smoking" as he is better now from a bad allergy that sent his wife and daughter outdoors for over 10 years.

I have issues wirh all 4 sisters but nary a one with my brother! He is a good man, husband, father and grandfather.

Love Izzy


[attachment deleted by admin]

[isittoolate]

Oh Write

Thank you for those lyrics to the song.

I said:

I am always surprised (but not ought to be) when people say I am strong. My therapist says competent and strong. I have come through many adversities, but suicide was never a choice. I come out ahead but that's only one battle won, not the War.

I am in the War on this Board. Trying to fit all the adversities into one person and see WHY and WHERE all feelings are hidden and HOW to find them!

This is my final battle, to win the war: the final chance to to become normal, but I have my doubts, after 68 years.

if anyone remembers the game my daughter & I were sharing , back and forth, she stopped! That's her perogative but is not how I wanted to see this end with the game ½ done and I am still playing on my own.

Now this is sad but I take it as just another speed bump on my road of life.

That is the "off hand" way I take serious matters, so as not to become too involved again!

Love
Izzy

[attachment deleted by admin]

[Certain Hope]

Dear Izzy,

Reading back through your previous thread, just before and after they visited, I saw where you'd asked what is surreal... after I'd said that maybe it was "bliss" (which I pictured as a combination of relief and satisfaction with closure)... and then I see that I left the thread hanging. I'm sorry! Clearly I missed something there, but I'm catching up now.
Your message #70 mentions the secrets you'd thought that you'd been holding for your brother... and that you'd told him of the traumas,
some of which occurred when he was too young to be aware.  I remember reading before that you'd gone off to the kitchen for a few puffs, but I'm not finding that post now and I can't remember how you told him you'd felt at 15 - was it ashamed? Usually I can remember exact words but this is escaping me and I'm not seeing it.
I get a bit scattered this time of day. Must be time for coffee.

Have you told your daughter that you wish the sharing of your game together hadn't stopped?

[isittoolate]

hi Hope
a conversation began started by me to make it lead to my saying that I knew, at 15, that no one would love me and I would never be married. arrrived at that conclusion at a wedding I attended at that age!--talking also about all eyes being on the attendants and the bride and I couldn't take that.

Going to the kitchen, in my  apt., I was still in sight but smoking far enough away from my brother to not bother him (something he thanked me for all weekend)

Becasue the family NEVER talks about these things, that is why I left, and also to see if either would pick up on what I said. My brother did, so we continued on a heavy-duty conversation.

I haven't written my daughter for quite some time.........................that's another story....

I was downtown taking pictures of 3 things I missed showing the "kids" (64 and 66 to my 68, but they soon to be 65 and 67--)

So I am thinking that up until I was 15, I was lonely and unhappy and just figured that was life--then at 15 I analyzed and have been analying ever since.

xx
Izzy

[attachment deleted by admin]

[isittoolate]

I have been preparing the most meaningful statements for my brother in the message he asked for, for Sunday--2 weeks from when they left and how these 2 weeks were for me. I will mail it Saturday, tho', as that is his birthday!

There have been quite a number of times of family get togethers--when mom and Dad were alive, and still when Dad died and Mom was on her own, and still after Mom died.

There was one time I asked a sister for a sibling get together, no spouses. (I always felt that they depended upon their husbands to feel real? protected? or whatever, and I was always alone.)

This request was turned down because sisters wouldn't attend a get together (meeting) without their/her spouse.

What do you make of that?????????????????????????

I've put this in my message to Wes about how long ago I wanted us all together to talk about my being 'different'--'unhappy', an enigma, weird............................... whatever.

Izzy





[attachment deleted by admin]