My Feelings

[Poppyseed]

Hey Izzy,

I know I am kinda jumping into the middle of this great conversation-- hope you don't mind.   I just had a question for you.  You have said frequently in lots of your posts that you are emotionally closed off.  But I have to say that you seem very expressive to me.  I guess I am wondering what exactly your T thinks you need to express.  Is it ok to feel sadness and not cry?  Do you always have to show an outward expression to be in touch with your feelings?  I do think that crying is healthy and on occasion I enjoy my moments with the kleenex.  But frankly, you seem seasoned and mellowed and tempered and matured to me.  You seem like you have learned a great deal and you seem to have settled into a place of wisdom.   Maybe your emotions don't need to swing like a younger individual, such as I who haven't had as much life experience.  Do you feel empathy for others?  Well, I certainly see you reaching out to people on the board.  I guess I am trying to understand what your T is trying to inspire in you?  Seems to me that emotions are there to tell us things and then we deal with them and let them go.  I see you use humor to deal with stuff.  I wish I had that talent.  I am afraid I deal with my emotions in more dramatic ways.  (this is coming from someone who is always in tune with emotions.  Can't turn them off some days!  ).  Isn't humor a healthy way of dealing??  Anyway, I guess I see you as an individual and I wonder if you restated your situation differently it would make a difference.  Maybe reframing it by saying that you do have emotions and sometimes recognize them instead of always saying that you don't have any idea of them.  I don't know Izzy, I may be shooting in the dark here.  Just think you are great.  That's all.

--- love and goo,
Poppyseed

PS.  Hope I am not asking to personal of questions.  You don't have to answer if you are uncomfortable. 

[isittoolate]

Hey, reallyME and Hope

I tested 88 but I never saw a question about loud noises, so add another 11 on mine= 99

Am I senstive or am I laid right back, like coooooooool dudettes!?

Maybe I did the wrong test?

ah well
later
love Izzy

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[isittoolate]

well Hope

I've been playing my word game--it is addictive.

I will try to be succinct if I happen to crack one of my home-made jokes.

Oh here is one. People often ask me why I don't use my crutches anymore and I say because I am older now and weaker and I might fall and break my hip and end up in a wheelchair for the rest of my life!!!

I heard a joke when I was 12 and I never got it and was too afraid to ask and I finally got it after I had sex---good sex! (Don't ask my computer will blow!)

We die 1000 times when we are with toxic people, and when we have children.  I don't know how my sister "got off" but it was likely because my brother was now old enough and he and Dad could do the chores.

Well Dad really messed with the girls minds cause when all this happened, he changed from mixed farming, dairy and grain, to raising beef cattle----that is a gentleman farmer's way, very little work, and he made more money at it! Ah. Well. Such is life!

I'll have to check Dr. G's site to see if I read that article. I don't remember but I thought I read them all.

I used to be but I am no longer afraid of my  siblings.!! I believe I am quite capable of standing my ground if necessary! That being the case, they would not want me back in Ontario.



I KNEW you were familiar. I saw you on the Ambassador Bridge one day!!!! What a small world!!

Do you read a lot? I do, about a book a week, but the one I'm on is located in Vietnam and it takes me longer as I stopped to 'sound out' the names of people, cities, tunnels, rat holes, etc.  I wouldn't have borrowed it from the Library, except it is written by Nelson DeMille.

I read The Obsession last Tuesday in 6-7 hours, during the day. -------------the one re grandson.

Tally-Ho
Mon Ami
Don't let the rain get to the rhubarb!
Izzy

[isittoolate]

hiya Poppyseed,

Sounds like you are enjoying yourself? Glad you jumped in. The water's fine! This turned into something not all that gruesome after all.

No I cannot recognize my feelings and I believe that when I do I will the be able to respond as I ought, and the situation is over. If I have a feeling and I don't recognize it, it gets pushed inside of me with all the others, from growing up.

However, I am a robot. A robot can do what I do---------------- that is an exaggeration but it seems that way at times. Yes I am expressing myself, but with facts, not feelings, or does that not make sense?

I have been in therapy, this time, ----------oh I go tomorrow. I had better start writing the cheque. It takes a while for me to do it and SIGN it!....to over $2300.00, can't remember when I last looked. She is good and I now have had/recognized about 7 things that I felt and I dealt with them and happily the result just flew away. No room at the Inn--side!

I think it is good to cry and I haven't yet, but have had --count 'em--1----2----3  lumps in my throat since I began with her-WHEEEEE getting there!--lumps sure, but no tears or crying.

You have a point, about my age, and yes I feel empathy, especially for my daughter. We have so almost lived parallel lives, that I know what she endured, yet we are estranged----to a point for now--- and I can put my feet in her shoes, except she is in Ontario too--and my grandchildren.
My Therapist is trying to reconnect me to all the suppressed emotions that are inside, as they are repressed feelings. I have been shoving them there for most of my life, like maybe since I was born, or brought home, or first cried at home.....

Humour can be a healthy way of dealing with things, and I've hidden behind it since in my teens, but I hope I never lose it, if I get reconnected. I think if you find an ordinary person who has an odd, dry wit (I'm told that's me, too) then you might know therein lies some hurt. Most comedians are troubled people, so I've heard.

Thank you for thinking I'm great. Well this is me in a good mood, no bones to pick with anyone  and not concerned, as I have a therapit to worry for me. haha. And as well, I am older, wiser, "mellowed and tempered", I guess, and everything I do is just what i do, from habit, without laughing or crying or getting angry.

I know therapy is good for me, but I cannot  tell yet how far I have come. Therapist has been on vacation for 2 weeks. I'll be surprising her tomorrow.

Okay

Off to write the cheque Hmmmmmmmmmmm That ought to be making me cry every week

Love
Izzy

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[Poppyseed]

Well Izzy my dear,

I am sure you will find whatever it is you need to. Trying to understand.  I am sure you will connect with that part of you that is put away.   Wow!  What a therapy bill.  That SHOULD make you CRY!!! I am crying with you.  Maybe we should sue our N's for reparations.  They should pay all of our therapy bills, don't you think? 

pops

[JanetLG]

Izzy,

That sure is some bill! It's enough to make anyone cry! Do you mind me asking you how many sessions that's for? I have no idea how much therapists charge outisde the UK, but here, it tends to be about thirty pounds ( around 65 US dollars -  Don't know how much that is in Canadian dollars) for a 'psychiatrists hour' (i.e. 50 minutes).

All kinds of therapists tend to charge about the same - counsellors, psychologists, marraige guidance (even chiropractors and acupuncturists - it's as if they've all got some kind of 'pact'!).

The only time I've paid more than that was for a 'private' (non-NHS) dermatologist - he charged 120 pounds (250 US dollars) for a half hour appointent, he was five minutes late, wasted five minutes checking how I would pay him at the end, and was totally useless! I went to a homeopath after that, and was completely cured of eczema in a month! 

Janet

[isittoolate]

Hi Pops,

I wrote the cheque and didn't cry. You're  crying  for me? Isn't that sweet of you. I have a host of people to sue, not just the N from here---my daughter's N as well and so on...............................

I'll find something I like--will keep trying, like shopping for a dress, and something will fiinally fit

hi Janet

It is a total of $2438.00 = 23 visits for the 50 minute hour, = $2300.00 plus Good and Service Tax, @6%= $138.

I am spending my daughter's inheritance! That is in Canadian Dollars. The exchange rate is .9509, as of today

and UK with USD is .4723

http://fx.sauder.ubc.ca/today.html     I googled for this. It's still the 27th here.

I have a few more benefits since I am a senior citizen, but THERAPY is not on the list.


See you
xx
Izzy


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[JanetLG]

Izzy,

Blimey, that's expensive!

They'd better be good, for that money!


Janet

[Certain Hope]

Dear Izzy,

"Oh here is one. People often ask me why I don't use my crutches anymore and I say because I am older now and weaker and I might fall and break my hip and end up in a wheelchair for the rest of my life!!!"
I get this one!   

Seems like I can be succinct when I'm mad or... when I'm strictly in my head and not trying to feel.

We must have died at least 100 million times through this life... feels like it. The truth is a great anti-venom... inoculation against toxic folks.

This is freaky to me:  "Well Dad really messed with the girls minds cause when all this happened, he changed from mixed farming, dairy and grain, to raising beef cattle----that is a gentleman farmer's way, very little work, and he made more money at it! Ah. Well. Such is life!"

When it was no longer woman's work, he saw the light? Then some creative thinking came into play. When it was slave labor to be delegated, why think creatively? Oh, the curse of thinking.

I do still have fear of my family... fear that I could lose myself in their shuffle.

Yup, that was me driving across the Ambassador with a blue-eyed siberian husky in the back of my pick-up. I waved!

I used to read alot... just began getting back into it this summer. I read very fast, but can get obsessive once beginning a book... and right now, I can't afford to be obsessive about anything. Too much work to be done.
As a little girl, I escaped into books. Can't afford to escape at the moment.
I've been typing up a Bible teaching message about leaving Egypt for Canaan-land...  partly because typing it makes it stick in my mind and partly because I am thinking of sending it to my parents, to show them where I've been.

The rhubarb dried up in the August heat-wave. Does rain turn the stems brown?

I'm not sure which test either... the Highly Sensitive one? Still want to do a thread on that... some day. Sensitive dudettes can be cool, too!!

Iz, once it's sunk in, I'd love to hear about your therapy appt. today, if you want to share.

This post is evidence of how disjointed my attempts to be concise can become. Proof positive, that rambling suits me fine.

Much love,
Hope

[isittoolate]

thanks Hope and CD

Will talk later, after therapy.

toodle-de-do!

xx
Izzy

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[isittoolate]

hi there Hope and CB,
And you Janet and Poppyseed
Pulling up the rear is reallyME
That's as far back as I could read,

I made my therapist cry.

I first told her that my itching has stopped, and that it had when I saw her 3 weeks ago, but that was only two days after sis and bro left and I didn't want to jinx myself. She laughed. And truly there have been no itches since Aug 6..............I believe it was my sis that caused the stress.

Then I told her about the feelings I had recognized on my own and acted on them in a suitable way, to not have them go inward and fester. Plus I told her I could sense that THE big cry was imminent.

I choked up a twice when I was reading the book about my grandson's tragice adventure and she asked me which incidents made me choke up.

One was when daughter's Dimbo N had left his truck frozen in the driveway, likely 2-3-4-5 days and didn't try to get it out until he had to go to work his next shift.
Daughter was inside, March 1999, studying her Native studies, KC playing and Mags sleeping--the kids liked a lighted candle on the bed stand and Maggie's was burning. (They lived on candles and kerosene)

Dimbo N called daughter out to help him and she took the kids. She and N worked on the damned truck for quite some time then she heard something popping. She looked up and saw their cabin was on fire, smoke just belching out everywhere. She looked for the kids and couldn't see them Thinking they had gone back in, in that instant a part of her died All was lost but the children were safe outside out of sight.

My grandson was in the cold waters for a bit over 1½ hours holding onto his uncle who had died in the first 20 minutes. He saw a bird land on the two story high waves. It flew away and becomes an f*ing bird because it can fly but KC can't. He is cold,  and thirsty.
He rides the waves up so high to the tip and falls back down into a watery grave before the next wave takes him up again. He spots another f*ing bird and his body has given up, his jaw is locking so he prays. He is only 17 and he prays for his family, he bargains with God, he tells God that Uncle Tom is a good man and to please let him in. KC prepares to die

He sees another huge bird, maybe an albatross, but it's gray He dips and rides the waves again, still hanging on to Uncle Tom. The bird is closer now. Funny looking bird. Down he goes again and up and sees a helicopter Pure unbridled joy washes over him-- then he went irrational: that he was dead, that the helicopter was for someone else, maybe they can't see me...

The helicopter grows bigger and bigger until it fills the sky above him It sounds like a huge bass guitar and the air pulses the surface of the water,
The side door slides open. Two heads poke out.
KC Maple no longer feels cold. He no longer feels tired or thirsty
KC Maple is going to live.

I made my therapist cry.

KC might have lasted only another 15 minutes. Someone screwed up the co-ordinates, his N father who never called the Coast Guard. He called his girl-friend and told her to look after it, so she writes down different co-ordinates, then another set from the Satellite phone company and the Search and Rescue were bambozzled, but on the long way out over the raging ocean, with nothiing in sight, Jakob saw a light. It flashed 3 times and stopped. They lock in the co-ordinates. Time was of the essence and no time to search 22 nautical miles, where the satellite phone put them.  He decides it is a miracle and heads for the lights.

On the way they spot the debris and KC.

I suppose we all want the N from our life to pay in some way. I'm sure no one spotted Gus as an N, but he sure does not smell like a rose in this book. Think of all the people he knows who will read about his inability to support a family and keep them safe and secure and warm. He certainly was mis-guided to allow a 17-year old to cross the ocean in a boat that no one hailed as safe. Then he receives a Mayday call from his son and tells his girl-friend to look after it! OMG!!

My therapist was very interested that I recognized, after 13 years of those calls from that guy, finally, that the calls upset me and I said nothing, until this week.

I left her with a question and will also leave it with you.

After writing to my bro, as he asked and sis heard him, I received 4 phtos, 2 x but no message, from bro. I have heard nothing from sis.  i wrote a "wondering" followup message, but....................?

Love
Izzy



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[Certain Hope]

I left her with a question and will also leave it with you.

After writing to my bro, as he asked and sis heard him, I received 4 phtos, 2 x but no message, from bro. I have heard nothing from sis.  i wrote a "wondering" followup message, but....................?

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Izzy))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

How did you know that I like teal?

Too pooped to compute here, but this is a wonderfully awesome "report" and I just wondered whether you might re-phrase the question with which you're leaving all us'ns cuz I am not sure what you're asking?  Thank you

Love and more hugs,
Hope

[isittoolate]

My brother asked me to write him in 2 weeks, after they left and llet him know how I felt about our 2 days together.

I wrote him on the 18th, his 65th birthday.

I have had no reply.

My sister who always emails, has not written me either, although I emailed her and sent picutres, in the first week.

I have had no reply.

Why did they come? To see if I am all right? To see where I live?  To see if I can cook? (They loved my seafood and pasta salads.)

I've already said twice here that I just sent a 'wondering' email to them both, as to why I hadn't heard from them and received some pics of their horseback riding escpade. They were still in the camra and bro showed me only 4.

[Certain Hope]

Dear Izzy,

So you are asking for suggestions as to why your brother and sister haven't written to you since the visit?
And you are asking for ideas about why they came in the first place?
Or are you asking how you should feel about the fact that they haven't written to you?
How do you feel about that, by the way? I would be annoyed... and scared, too.

Anyhow, I tend to answer questions which haven't even been asked, so just thought I'd best check this time.

Also, sometimes I think I'm being very direct only to discover that I've not been understood... so in this case, I would just come right out and ask them whether there's something holding them back from replying to you now... at least I think that's what I'd do.
Some people might ask whether their computers blew up or they broke their fingers or the cat ran away with the mouse,
but I think I'd just say, "Yanno, I'm sittin here waiting to hear back from you!!"


Love,
Hope

[isittoolate]

hi Hope,

Why did they come? To see if I am all right? To see where I live?  To see if I can cook? (They loved my seafood and pasta salads.)

Maybe they love me? Maybe they don't?

Maybe just because their horseback riding ranch was near Calgary, and it was a short flight to fill 2 more days of the vacation?

I am only curious and will not pursue after that last 'wondering' whatchooupto note.

It's kind of what I was looking for---total break from the family-----so I can stay here and die in peace--- and I'm like KC seeing the helicopter--am I dead--- am I getting what I've always wanted?    but how did it happen?

Iz