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standing up to an N

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Anonymous:

--- Quote from: Dawning ---I have learned that her phone is working now but I have heard nothing.  Is this a tactic she is using to "get at me?"  I wonder...
--- End quote ---


Could she be intoxicated and unable to remember whether she called you? I also think she is just selfish. You did your duty. I've often thought that the only thing that would really placate my mother would be to commit suicide! Of course that was really a revenge fantasy from my own rage.

Bottom line, we don't have to save another adult (and usually cannot), but we can show some baseline concern. That's my moral limit on it.

bunny

Amendy:
Dawning,

It's hard to say what her motives are while she lives far away from you.  I came to understand that all my mother's behaviors were all under suspect, for she seemed to never be able to be authentic regarding what was really going on around her or with her.  It's complicated and your situation sounds worse while your mother is doing alcohol.  I understand your feelings of responsibility and how you were problably trained as I was to always put her first  nd her needs before yours.  It is sad to hear that you would come to reason that ending your life would bring some kind of peace or relief to her.   My hope for you is that someday you would come to realize that every damaging and hurtful thing she has ever said or had done to you never had anything to do with you.  We so often make the mistake of thinking that how people treat us or respond to us or not respond to us has something to do with what we may have doen or not have done or even just exisiting.  And it's hard to let go of this thought because it allows us to think that we are in some way in control.  And even though I know this well, I still re-examine myself and search myself to try and find out what it is I have done to get the the treatment or response from others that I don't want.   I have to constantly remind myself that what a person says or does in response to me has little to nothing to do with me.  

The other thing I would do in response to my mother and her needs is ask myself what would God, or higher power, or love have me do?  I would try to teach myself that Love cares about my well being as it cares about my mother and that I needed to consider what I needed with as much attention and consideration as I put forth toward considering my mother's needs.  Sometimes I would need to call her to make sure she was all right, but not for her sake, but for mine.  If I felt that calling her would further  bring me harm, then I would find some other way to bring peace to myself.

When we take a plane trip the stewrdess emphasis how important it is to place the oxygen mask on ourself before we try to meet the oxygen needs of another.  Now imagine the needy person is a child struggling to breath, would you ask that child to help the adult next to her before she helps herself?  It seems this is what you are caught up in, because the adult is your mother.  She has made it in life so far, she will continue to make it.  Pray for her, hand her over to God and let him worry about it.  You just keep doing what you need to do to take care of yourself.  Believe me it will take you a life time.  

I hope this helps,  
Amendy

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