Totally lost

[sandra]

 
I posted a couple of weeks ago about my daughter leaving to live with her dad..

the week leading up to her going she sorted her room out nearly all week, she did ask me if there was anything that i did not want her to take so i asked her to leave her baby box, this was things like her first pictures, first Christmas card and silly things that i have collected through her first years of her life...the only reason i wanted them left was because her dad always thought it was a waste of time collecting these things and i did not want them put away or worse thrown in the bin........she asked me where she should put them, so i asked her to leave them in her room and i would sort them out after she had left.........the evening before she left i was downstairs and she dumped the whole lot on my bed................so when i went up to my room there was all the things out on my bed..........i wept buckets and couldn't stop until my best friend came and saved me.

On the 5th August R's dad came to get her he took a few of her bags and then went off for breakfast for 2 1/2 hours, they then came back again and took somemore from R's room and then the rest of the stuff from the house but it was very prolonged and took them most of the day to do which should have only taken about 2 hours at the most.....all the time they were taking the stuff they were laughing and grinning to each other.....i think it is the worst experience of my life......when they had got all of the stuff form the house and R's room, R stood by the stairs and looked at me and said BYE i had to go to her and give her a kiss and a cuddle and tell her that I loved her.....she did not say the same......her father stood by the door with a huge grin on his face, R was very abusive to my best friend and my mother on her way out the door, she jumped in the van with her dad and laughed her head off.............

I waited each day after for her to contact me but the text or phone call never came...........so on the Thursday I text her and asked her if she had settled into her new home ok and said that as her and her dad were unable to sort out when i could see her that i had asked the solicitor to sort the days out.........the reply was I'm ok and i will decide when i see you.............end of conversation!

again there has been no contact from her all week..it hurts so much as i have never been away from her for more than a couple of days when i went away with her father and she was on the phone a million times a day or texting me.
I have asked to see her this Tuesday but again she has made it on her terms and if i don't like it then she wont see me..........

I am so lost and alone without her although i still have my wonderful supportive son at home, but i feel as though there is something missing all the time.
I am also frightened that if i don't see her that my feelings towards her will start to change especially when i  get the abuse from her.

I have had a letter from the solicitor today with her father saying that i can have contact with R but when R says so and she is not allowed to stop the night because of my behaviour...........what behaviour i have only ever loved my children and fought like mad to keep my husband only to be told that he didn't love me and loved this other woman.

Am i such a bad and horrible person?
Have i lost her forever?

I cant stand this lonely empty feeling anymore 

love Sandra x

[Certain Hope]

((((((((Sandra))))))))

Hugs for you... I am so sorry you are hurting.
My three daughters each have their own ways and personalities... I just keep praying that they will make wise choices and in the meantime that God will watch over them.
I'll be praying for you and your little girl, too.

With love,
Hope

[Hopalong]

Oh (((((Sandra)))). I am sorry.

Since I did it all wrong I can only suggest what I found out so belatedly...
try not to pressure her.

Just develop a schedule of contact that YOU can live with (just your contact, since you have no control over hers).
What I did was decide that as her mother, I wasn't going to stop. So once a week, on Sundays (this was during a period of estrangement) I would call and leave her a voicemail. Very simple, light, no clinging or urging her to call, basically asking for nothing.

I kept it simple, e.g.: Hi, just wanted to check in, hope things are okay with you. I'm doing fine, busy week at work, and your grandma's puttering along. We have portulaca in bloom and I'm getting into ___ (some acitvity). Saw ___ last week, she's doing great. Well, that's about it, I need to catch some sleep. I love you, bye.

I just did it, week after week, never asking for any response. I don't know if it helped or not but it kept me calmer. And now, we're communicating again. I still like to leave most contacts up to her to initiate, except for a weekly hello message. And it's feelig better.

I hope you can hold steady, and know that she will change soooooooooooo much over the next few years. As painful as this is, don't write her off. She knows you love her and maybe being away from you will actually help her mature. My D needed to get away from me, we were enmeshed and I didn't know it. But now, I'm glad she's on her own two feet.

with love and much sympathy,
Hops

[pennyplant]

I'm so sorry (((((((((Sandra)))))))))))).  It sounds like it was very, very painful to watch the goings on and receive the abuse.  You are not a bad, horrible person at all.  You are a good person and good mother.  And I do not think you have lost her forever.  I'm very sorry this happened to you.  You have gotten some good advice so far.  Hang in there, Sandra.

Pennyplant

[Ami]

Dear Sandra,
  I am so, very, very sorry. I don't think that you have lost her forever, at all. I think that she loves you very much, down deep. Those deep, enduring bonds  may bend and stretch but don't  break. I can tell how much you love her and how devoted you are to her. She will return(IMO)
It is awful right now.  I am so sorry that you have to endure this . I would have loved to have a mother like you.                 Love   Ami

[teartracks]

My dear Sandra,

Never give up on her.  Never give up the love you have for her.  Resolve to hold on to hope that as you both grow that you'll come together again in harmony.  Resolve to  hold on to the love you have in your heart...guard it , cherish it, celebrate it.  She's a kid with a kid's mind aided and abetted by a father who is glorying in discension.   So sorry, so terribly sorry for the pain in your heart. 

tt

[axa]

Sandra,

This is beyond pain.  I am so sorry that you are going through this terrible abandonment.  I think Hops is right, keep texting, short, loving and undemanding.  She is being supported by her father and he, no doubt, is enjoying the game.  I can understand that she is enjoying the attention from her father but my guess is that that will slow down once the reality of bringing up your daughter comes in to play.  She sounds very angry and she is acting out her anger on you.  I think kids do this a lot, they misplace the anger and side with the one they feel most fearful of loosing.  I experienced much of this from Xn's daughter, who I now have no contact with.  It saddens me greatly but I also know that she is terrified of loosing her Dad and he has abandoned her before.

Hold on, time will play things out and superdad will not be able to keep up the act.  The fact that he would collude with her to keep her away from her mother says so much about him and where his interests lie.  He is punishing you and using your daughter as the weapon.  Sick sick sad man.

Thinking of you.

axa

[sandra]

thank you so much for all the advice and love that you have all given me

((((((((((((everyone)))))))))))))

i have tried to only text her once a week to give her the space that she so obviously needs with her dad, but it is soooooo hard not to hear her voice everyday, even if she was giving me hell.

thank you for listening to me i never feel along when i am talking to you guys.

love
Sandra x

[Hopalong]

It is hard, Sandra...
but you do need to let go of speaking to her every day, imo.

It's very hard. But I have a feeling you may find that there's a new dignity in giving her a message of love and steadiness once a week.

The rest of the time, let that hunger for love and understanding drive you out to a new community, new friendships, so you won't ask your D to be your most intimate friend, your anchor, your reason for being. That's what I did for a while and it wasn't good for either of us.

Is there a women's center where you live where you could join a support group? Or a church you feel good about that has Covenant Groups? Any sort of intentionally intimate and caring group, would be a very good thing for you right now, I think.

Let us know, let us help you get some network in place so you can't focus only on what's absent.

lots of love to you,
Hops

[Gaining Strength]

Dear Sandra,

I'm so sorry to hear what you are going through.  I can think of little that could be more painful.  I do believe that you are getting great suggestions here.  I imagine that it is very, very difficult to only contact her once a week via text.  I do pray that healing comes to your relationship soon enough.  Everyone needs a mother.  I hope she will understand that soon enough.

[sandra]

I have arranged to see her tomorrow, i told her that i would pick her up at 4pm so we could spend the afternoon together and then i would cook her tea.....her reply was 6 or 6.30 and if you dont like it i wont come...so i have already got off to a bad start...........so sorry guys may need some more advice tomorrow as i am already getting anxious about meeting my own daughter, how silly is that!!!!!!!!

love  Sandra x

[Certain Hope]

Dear Sandra,

I don't feel that you've gotten off to a bad start. (((((Sandra))))))) Sounds like you are willing to be accomodating to your daughter's demands... as wrong as that is of her to be demanding from her mother, and so disrespectful.

Is she 14 years old?

My thought right now is not to give you advice about dealing with her, but to just ask you to remember who is the mama in this situation.

I get the feeling that she is bullying you.

Well, love can and does cover a multitude of offenses, but - I hope that you will hold onto, within yourself, your own awareness that your accomodations to your daughter are gifts, from you to her, and not relinquishments of your God-given right to dignity and respect... from all people, including your daughter. Your daughter is a very special human being. You are a very special human being.
She is not able, right now, to recognize that in you... but I see it... and I am only suggesting that you remember that for yourself during these times when she has forgotten.

Just please do not allow her to forcibly take what is yours alone to give. Then, I believe, she will learn by your example... I hope.

With love,
Hope

[sandra]

Thanks Hope that makes a lot of sense and i promise to try very hard.

She is 13 years old, so i suppose i should look on the bright side he has years of a stroppy teenager ahead of him, and i know the very sweet nice little R will not last that long.

love

Sandra x

[sandra]

I went to pick R up at 5.30pm the time i stated after her telling me that she would not be there....she was ready waiting..........it was my heart that was pounding after not seeing her for two weeks.....(how silly)

I never asked her any questions, never asked her about her new house or her dad and just carried on as normal.....the evening went well but it broke my heart having to take her back again in the evening...........i said that i would see her the same time next week but she would not say yes to that she just said that she will text me and let me know...........

Thank you all for listening to me x

love

Sandra x

[Ami]

Dear Sandra,
   My "intuitive" feeling is that you are a great mother--- who any child would be privileged to have. She is too immature and in too much turmoil to realize it.now. . I think that she will come back to you as she matures.I am so sorry that you have to endure this ,now,((((((((((((((((Sandra)))))))))))     Love   Ami