(((((((((Izzy))))))))
I'm sorry that no one stood up on your behalf... or on behalf of your siblings... to stop the beatings and abuse.
People get frozen in passivity for different reasons... helplessness and hopelessness combined, or just completely dissociating... God only knows.
In my small family of origin, my mother and dad were capable of presenting a united front against me, on occasion.
This would be appropriate, I think, except - on the other hand - whenever it suited them, each would take her/his turn at making me their ally against the other.
And my dad continues this same routine to this day... constantly. I'm back to letting their letters pile up, because I simply don't want to hear it. I'm just beginning to understand the concept of emotional incest.
Mother seems to have dropped it, at last... she now appears to be fully occupying her self-appointed martyr role.
By the way, one of her favorite things now, it seems (past year or so)... she likes to tell me of all her physical problems while pointing out that I'll be just as decrepit as she, all in good time. What the heck. Truly a miserable woman.
Then there were other dynamics...
Once my brother married and was out of the home (when I was 10) he and dad took every opportunity at "family gatherings" to join forces against mother and commiserate with each other about the wicked females in their lives. Also each, in turn, used me as the verbal/emotional punching bag for their anger against my controlling mother...
"you're just like your mother". Why? I didn't say anything. I didn't do anything. I was just a female who breathed and happened to get caught in their crossfire. Brother would make all sorts of outrageous statements against me and nobody ever said a word, including me. I'd just laugh it off... ha ha

This is so lame, Izzy... next to all you've been through... but it hurt... years ago, at my oldest daughter's 10th bday party, all the family was at our house. It was a really nice gathering and I was tending to everyone's drinks, etc, picnicing outside... and they were singing. Big show, especially dad and brother... huge, deep voices... and when they finished one song, I asked (hard for me to ask anything...) would they sing "When Irish Eyes Are Smiling"? Arrogant brother looked straight at me with the same evil sneer I've seen on npd-ex and said, "No!". I'm not part of the fun... the in-group... the superior-male-dominated-freak-zone they consider their family. Not belligerent enough for them, not perfect enough for my mother, not anything. Just a servant.
I don't know what it would be like now, if the 4 of us got together.
I know when I was there with just my parents recently, I was completely detached - like a house-guest who did dishes and repaired things in payment for room/board.
I didn't feel like their daughter at all and I wonder whether my mother even noticed. Pretty sure dad did... but of course, no one says a word.
I'm glad that I'm not a part of family gatherings... if there is such a thing anymore... and then I feel guilty because I'm glad.
Much like I felt guilty about being so relieved when npd-ex was gone.
I'm just trying to sort/figure/decide/whatever...
whether it's okay with me that the three of them have no clue how their dysfunction affected me. Better yet, is it okay with God?
Awfully late to even bring it up... what would be the point? After all, it's no big deal for a "normal" person who's not so sensitive.
They never wanted to know me before. Too much trouble, I guess.
So now I just put this down into words and I feel it... because I never did before, completely... Iphi's cerebral N thread brought it out full force and talking with you about feelings has worked it out. I feel it big time.
I've never before in my life been equipped to face what I'd become... and why.
And now there's no relationship to build on with my family... and not much time to start one... and I'd rather not try... because I'm shy.
heh
Or am I?
Love,
Hope