My parents have barely spoken to me since Dec 2001

[DesolateFox]

Mrtraced and Nic,

Boy, do I hear you.  I often regret my childhood years, spent letting everyone hurt me constantly to "protect them" (and my step sisters and brothers) from being hurt.  Actually, I made a very serious suicide attempt when I was 14, and it helped me to get myself straightened out (mostly by making me realize my life was in my own hands).  I loosened up a lot, but unfortunately got an illness at 17 that has continued on these 20 years, decimating my life.  I was really happy and on my way to college when I got sick.  I went anyway, everyone was denying I was ill (especially my mother, who should have been able to tell her only child was too ill to move most days), and I had to get out of my mother's house.  It saddens me that my emotional freedom was in many ways so fleeting because I became ill, which opened up a host of other problems.  And while I'm in bad shape emotionally now, I did at least break it off with my father for 5 years (limited contact now), and am in the process of breaking with my mother- or at least, we are distant now.  

Both my parents have done and said unbelievable things.  I could see a lot of my life in your posts.  And I have backslid in the few weeks between when I started posting here, and now.  I think I need support more than I was willing to allow myself.  

As for religion, it is people like that, using religion as another form of oppression, that keeps people from fulfilling relationships with God.  It keeps us from being able to turn to God, because we ID God as like our parents.  This became very, very clear to me just recently, when I realized that I get so angry at God and that I have been feeling that God hates me.  I realized that in my head, I was seeing God as someone that I needed to appease- like my parents have demanded.  I don't in my gut believe God is like that.  I think God loves us in a way that we cannot even comprehend here on earth.  And it doesn't make that comprehension any easier when people hurt us in God's name, or use religion as a straight-jacket.  Mind you, I am very ambivalent now, and in a half hour I might be just as depressed and out of my mind as I have been the past two days.  But sometimes I come around for a minute or two and remember the important things.

Thanks for sharing.  I hope that I can re-grasp that strong sentiment of my parents- and others- not getting one more minute of my life, and hang onto it for more than a few minutes here and there.  Reading your posts helps.

[Anonymous]

Regarding my statement: "Now look where I'm at. They don't even care. What a waste of my life"  

I guess what I'm trying to say with this statement is that since my parents were involved with the ministry, I helped them out, I lived a clean life ( I didn't want to embarrass them in any way - why I don't know  - they embarrassed me many times with their stunts)  I spent 11 years in their church teaching, playing piano, etc helping grow their congregation. Voting for raises, improvements to their parsonage, property,  gasoline reimbursements, health insurance, and on and on  -stuff that would make their life easier. I watched in horror , them get rid of "problem people" for various reasons, when I objected I was cut down and made to feel like I was wrong and that I had the wrong attitude. They knew best - I wasn't "called of God"  

Now I feel my family and I have been used and then tossed aside. I can't go to another similiar church because they would get to the pastor and spread lies about me or say bad things about us  and besides, I don't want to give them anymore power over / in my life.
 I feel like all those years were a waste, I could of been somewhere else helping, spending my time developing relationships with other people. ( All of the current congregants have probably been posioned about me and I'm angry with them anyway cause they don't inquire with me personally why they haven't seen me in years.)  I'm in mourning over the lost years.

Having a "voice" in this forum helps. Everybody's empathy and ability to see my side have been big boost. Thank you to all who have written.

[mrt]

Oops, I thought I was logged in.

[seeker]

Dear Mrtraced and all,

Hi there.  MT, thank you for sharing your story.  It has helped me so much.  

Did you know that your experience is very common, being a preacher's kid (PK)?  Your life isn't your own, but an extension of the pastor and his wife "getting it right".  Rather than a demonstration of humanity at work in their own family, struggling with the same ages and stages as everyone else and greeting those challenges with the love of Christ, you are meant to be held up in public as a paradigm of perfection.  A reflection of their moral superiority.  A PK's life is very public.  Also, the congregation has expectations of you too.  Probably they also felt compelled to "guide" you.  You were living in a socially acceptable cult. When you left the cult, the hammer fell.  This happened to me as well, but I didn't receive the same degree of extreme abuse that befell you.  But the message was the same.  

What is truly amazing is how some religious leaders really are able to help everyone except their own families.  Family members are used as window dressing for their storefronts, reduced to fancy mannequins smiling as "real" people with "real" problems walk through the doors. You are not allowed to have problems because that would mean the pastor is inadequate.    Plus, you are not a "paying" customer...do I sounded jaded?  you bet!  

I, too, grew up clueless.  I was glad to read that you were "grieving" because that is exactly what is going on: you are mourning the "death" of your perceptions and the loss of important relationships.  What drove me crazy during a similar time was wishing it was different.  Really accepting the way things are takes time but is the way to peace.  

Fortunately, through all of this I haven't relinquished my spirituality.  Although community can be helpful in affirming our beliefs, I constantly remind myself that believing is more important than belonging (spoken like a true loner!!)  It seems backwards, but it actually helps me feel more connected, not less.  My belief in God/Higher Power/Y-hw-h
/Allah/etc is still what gets me through the maze of humanity and our flaws.  

It's funny: I used to think I was so messed up for not being perfect.  But now I like it because it means I'm like everyone else.  I'm still working on this, but like a few people posted before, loosening up feels wonderful!  Knowing I don't have to be perfect is such a relief.  

Thanks again for sharing your painful story.  I hope you can find someone like the therapist you were able to talk to before.  It will help tremendously as you put the pieces back together in a whole new beautiful mosaic that you create for yourself.  Peace, Seeker

[Anonymous]

mrtraced,

All of your good deeds stand on their own. If people let themselves be poisoned against you, they're stupid. I think they can see with their own eyes who are the creeps and who is the nice guy here. There's nothing wrong with being a good man. So you helped your disturbed parents. That is okay. You won't waste any further time on them -- but what you did was virtuous. I'm Jewish and we call that a "mitzvah" (good deed done for its own sake).

bunny

[mrt]

Bunny,
Thank you for your encouragement.  I guess I have done a lot of mitzvahs and knowing that - is why I don't feel that I've done anything really that bad to warrant the unjust anger imposed upon me.  Thanks for helping me reinforce that.  

"I think they can see with their own eyes who are the creeps and who is the nice guy here."  
If they can't that's okay too. Either way, they are part of the past. I have moved on.  They are part of my N family's circle - a circle where I have no place and where I wouldn't ever want to be again. I'll miss 'em.