Hey Pandora,
It is good to see you back. I know you've been on vacation. I am glad for your having got some time away! Sorry N had to come home early and throw things off even more!!! I have been hoping that things are going well in the midst of all of this. It sounds like in your time away from N you have gained an immense amount of strength, validation and clarity about the situation.
Well, I think on the issue of counseling, I would think it wisest to pay attention to your gut. You think he might be manipulative? Will it happen again? Again and again! How may times? A thousand times!
One thing that has been very hard for me to learn, because like you, I feel very compassionate toward my H, is this: When I give more than I can, I enable him to take more than he deserves. If I want him to "get better" (even if it is not in my tenure as his wife) then I will set strict limits and stick to my guns. He may still never "get better," but that is about him. Guilt and manipulation is something Ns are well versed in. Perhaps it's best not to give them the chance.
I am sure he really does feel badly about what is happening. Who knows he may even feel remorse. But, he can talk about it with his own counselor. You don't have to be punished by it anymore. Even on the off chance that he is "better" or "healed" it may be too late for him to have it with you. He will have your setting a limit to thank for it, but if he gets your attention again, he will not believe that you have limits. He might relapse into hideous disrespect once again. In anycase, through classic conditioning, you have learned that he cannot be trusted. Any amount of lying, manipulating, guilt triping, whatever... will reinforce all of the horrible messages he has given you that have hurt you so badly. I guess, the advice that has been given to me... (that I cannot yet take) Is that you may have to call your own self-preservation your success. Let someone else (like a counselor) worry about him. Let hime worry about himself.
My therapist told me that if I separated from my N, he would be like a whale in a wave pool. Pitching a fit is how the little boy learned to get his way. If you give it to him, he will learn more of that. Compassion means setting boundries. The even harder thing for me is, my need to placate him is about me feeling like a "good wife." I care more about my self-image than I did about his ultimate well being. Of course, if we are told all of our lives that this is what a good wife/person does, it is a very confusing notion to learn that actually a good wife says NO, and allows her H to feel pain. His pain is of his own creation. He is suffering consequences of his actions. That is the way it works when wives don't protect their husbands from the consequences of their own actions.
Well, Pandora, I am glad to hear you are surrounded by friends, and holding up. It is a victory for you, to be getting out. Keep taking care of yourself.
Best, Sjkravill
