Ending all ties, isn't the only out of this, Cate. There is having a relationship on your terms; not HERS. There is accepting that she isn't normal; stopping the expectation that she can/will change. There is knowing that maybe what you want isn't possible - with her; doesn't mean it's not out there. And then shifting the focus to YOU - and learning to care for your self. After all, your mom doesn't sound like she deserves all the attention you're giving her, any more than mine does. But, you don't have go "no contact" if you don't want to or don't need to. And you can always decide that later...
What you say resonates with me...like the old saying, if you expect NOTHING you won't be disappointed. My father was not there for me growing up and yet i never really hated him. I felt sadness. Hopeful. But even now, we are closer than we were, but he is not the big doting grandfather. For some reason, i am able to love him for what he CAN give, not what he can't. I used to cry (as a teenager) that i didn't have the doting father taking me to father/daughter dances...and yet, here i was sitting on his knee like a 5 yo crying to him about my mother and he just listened...furthermore, my father NEVER PUT ME DOWN...EVER! He apologized to me for not being there for me growing up. After he did that, my respect for him blossomed. He has earned it back in small steps over several years.
Why i can't get to that level with my mother? She completely resents my relationship that i have with him. Even though she kept telling me to love him b/c he was my father, i think secretly, she enjoyed the fact that i was estranged from him...in her ME vs HIM attitude. I was with her, confided with her etc, so she WON and my father LOST.
Now i think she is jealous that he is back in my life. "after all the stuff he did to us/you" she moans....blah blah blah...i'm not interested in what happened in 1981. But she does...constanlty telling me what a LOSER my father is, how she did everything for me and this is how I repay her...by being a disloyal, backstabbing, bitch of a daughter. "I wasted the best years of my life on you and for what?" she screams...Rationally, my head thinks, this is the ravings of a very insecure, hurt individual. She is so insecure in her standing with me, that she has to insult my father and me at every opportunity...which only errodes my opinion of her...I certainly don't respect her in any way shape or form anymore...her poision has gone on for too long. Better if she just kept her big mouth shut.
I suppose my expectations of her are TOO HIGH. I think, she should be there for me b/c she is my mother! She should care. She should be there for me when i am pregnant, give birth, go shopping with me, go for coffee with me, tell me what a wonderful mother and woman i've grown up to be...instead, (when she is speaking to me) it's always about HER HER HER...her busy schedule...too busy for me, too busy to care, every thing i do, every event i plan is an annoyance. I felt guilty for even going to the hospital and having surgery b/c it was "putting her out" to have to care for my children while i was laid up in bed recovering. She kept telling me i brought my health issues on myself.
I wish i knew how to detatch and get to the place with her that i got with my father....objective indifference and not take everything she does or does not do or wish she did to heart. Instead i keep beating myself up, planning, scheming, what can i do? what can i say to get her to understand me and to care?
She does not...bottom line...or maybe she does in her own twisted way but not in a mother/daughter way. SHe is just not interested in healing old wounds and repairing things with me. I am the DEVIL child now. Better for her to sever all ties and move on to child #3 since #1 & 2 are no longer of any use.
When i no longer need a thing from my mother, that's when she will come around and want to be there...that's what the therapist told me.
