Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
The Difference betweens Words I say and the Feelings I feel
Anonymous:
--- Quote from: Zen Boy ---
after I posted my note I found out that my wife had been posting here for a couple months... What irony.
Zen Boy
--- End quote ---
Is that freaky :shock:
or intentional :wink: ?
Sorry Zen Boy, you'll have to (at best) forgive me or (at worst) ignore me. But I've got a terribly suspicious mind. :D I'm guessin' intentional. If I'm wrong, so arrest me. :D
Seeing as you know she posts here, and I can make a wild guess who it is :D
let's read the clues.
wife been posting for a few months
wife just leaving their marriage after 4 years,
husband is a shocking insensitive womaniser
been in joint therapy
husband with indifferent attitude
what do you want to say to her if she's reading this.
I don't swallow the "I was flirtin' cause I was hurtin'" bullshit by the way. You're married, you made promises, are you aman of your word????
I'll leave the gentle considerate responses to others and I'll say you're a self-centred b**** (by the way, I'm also speakin' to my husband here) who only cares about yourself.
Do you have any idea how you've demeaned and degraded your wife?
You may have an inkling, I hope so?
You're married!!!! :x What does that mean to you. You say you're a type A personality. So what. Is that some type of justification?
So's my husband. But if his boss says "stop this such and such behaviour" he stops pronto. He's so ambitious, he wouldn't do anything to jeopordise his career. He can control every passion at work. But I say "stop this pronto" a million times and he ignores me or blames his weakness. It's all to do with priorities and what he values most.
Well, Zen Boy, I'm sorry you're hurtin'. (NOT)
What else did you expect?
Is it that you don't want to lose your doormat?
She didn't leave you! You forced her out!
When you brought these other women into your marriage!
How many times did she cry and hurt
and you just kept on goin' and doin?
How many times did you break her heart??
Huh? Huh? Don't tell me, I can imagine.
Time to grow up Zen Boy!
You want a wife, but do you want a thinking, feeling, human one?
Anyway, ignore me, I'm not your wife, but I'm a wife like your wife and
I only gotta ona morea thinga toa saya toa youa,
Grow up, get real, sort your shit out without hurting others, learn to have a heart and control your passions. And do it for yourself too. :D
Or guess what, you're gonna be one lonely, broke, old, SOB later on in life. Doesn't take too many failed marriages to achieve that.
CG
rosencrantz:
Crikey CG - Are you going to put that to music???
Well, Zen Boy, I'm sorry you're hurtin'. (NOT)
What else did you expect?
Is it that you don't want to lose your doormat?
She didn't leave you! You forced her out!
When you brought these other women into your marriage!
How many times did she cry and hurt
and you just kept on goin' and doin?
How many times did you break her heart??
Huh? Huh? Don't tell me, I can imagine.
Time to grow up Zen Boy!
You want a wife, but do you want a thinking, feeling, human one?
That's amazing!!!!! You've got a real beat going there!!! And you really do have a nose for bullsh** - I go sniff, sniff, a little pong round here I think but you just go straight for it. You don't even look for a nose peg. Poooh!
R
Zen Boy:
To the last two or three people, YES, I admit I was behaved abusively. I admit I pushed her away and it was not her fault. I feel ashamed!
And I certainly do not mind the harsh words (I deserve them).
But can any of you offer me some guidance beyond just therapy and reading, which I have been doing feverishly for months.
I am trying to get some insight from others WHY I would feel great love for my wife, yet, do self-destructive or marriage-destructive things. I certainly have the input of my therapist, books, etc. And yes, I've been starting to read the books on this list (though a couple of them seem to have great negative critcism.)
But has anyone out there behaved this way or seen this kind of behavior but in a transient (i.e. non long-term) way?
For what it's worth, my therapist told me today that I do not behave like a N because N's never admit that they are wrong and are slow to make changes. He admits I f##$d up some things but that I am making noticable progress towards growth in this area and am facing all the issues honestly.
Thank you again for your suggestions,
Zen Boy
Anonymous:
--- Quote from: Zen Boy ---To the last two or three people, YES, I admit I was behaved abusively. I admit I pushed her away and it was not her fault. I feel ashamed!
And I certainly do not mind the harsh words (I deserve them).
But can any of you offer me some guidance beyond just therapy and reading, which I have been doing feverishly for months.
I am trying to get some insight from others WHY I would feel great love for my wife, yet, do self-destructive or marriage-destructive things. I certainly have the input of my therapist, books, etc. And yes, I've been starting to read the books on this list (though a couple of them seem to have great negative critcism.)
But has anyone out there behaved this way or seen this kind of behavior but in a transient (i.e. non long-term) way?
For what it's worth, my therapist told me today that I do not behave like a N because N's never admit that they are wrong and are slow to make changes. He admits I f##$d up some things but that I am making noticable progress towards growth in this area and am facing all the issues honestly.
Thank you again for your suggestions,
Zen Boy
--- End quote ---
Zen Boy.
First Zen also means intuition and meditiation? :? I don't see alot of that in you. I see a lot of excuses!!!! and but's!!!! I could highlight so many places where you excused yourself in your first 2 posts, but I won't. I'll let those ride for the moment. And man, in that way do you sound so much like my husband. :x :x Barf barf, where's the bucket. But I beleive there's hope for everybody, WHEN THEY GET HONEST, REAL, PAINFULLY HONEST.
I'm not really interested in what your therapist says, by the way. Just my short reading of your style, he hasn't pegged you at all, in my humble opinion. So I definitely don't agree with him!!! And the some of the books having negative criticism, hey baby, get used to it. If the cap fits :D :D ouch ouch
But forget what I think for the moment!!!
Can I ask you a couple of questions??
How many other women have you had sex with while you've been married and in a relationship with your wife?
How many times?
Did you use condoms?
I don't see a lot of compassion or sensitivity in you, except towards yourself, but then I could be wrong, I guess :wink:
My observation, for what it's worth.
You've come onto a site that you know your wife posts to and you know she's gonna read your stuff and recognise you. So I think your playin' a very manipulative sympathy game. :wink: But that's okay. :wink: Let's play. :wink:
Honest opinion. I don't think you have behaved abusively. I think you are abusive and selfish. Big difference isn't there. Ouch, did that hurt. Could you say that? One puts distance between you and your actions the other doesn't. Ouch ouch ouch.
It's called lookin' at yourself honestly in the mirror.
It's called ditchin' denial.
Who made you like this? Who so invaded your rights and space that you don't seem to care about other people's rights and space anymore? It's all about you!!! and your own confused form of survival and freedom.
So come on. Truth please??????
How many, how often, and did you do it safely? Remember, only the truth now, otherwise you're choosing the lie, instead of being honest with yourself.
CG
Anonymous:
Hey Zen boy,
Where to begin?
Let me start by not appologizing for a word I am about to say!
Well, I think it is pretty easy to guess who your wife might be.
I don't believe for a moment you are here by coincidence... Do you want your W to read your posts? Do you want to envoke some kind of emotional response in her? Or do you want this, her supportive community to take part in your pittiful manipulation! Are you hoping we will tell her "aww, he is so sorry... He really wants to change..." Well, you can forget it!
We here are pretty danm familiar with the behavior you are exhibiting right now. Your words are very convincing. I have no doubt that you actually feel pretty miserable. But We, here, are not easily fooled.
Want some advice? If you really want to start supporting your wife, find your own online community and stop invading and manipulating her safe space! Even if you don't "intend" to manipulate her safe space, how do you think your presence here makes her feel? Probably not happy and safe in dealing with her feelings!
Second, one of the myths about Narcissism is that one can't feel remorse. In fact, N's can feel remorse.
But here's another suprprise. You never loved her to begin with! No, you loved yourself. You projected some fake image on your wife so that she would be exactly what you wanted. You still don't love HER for who SHE is. You may think you respect her on a conscious level, but you have deep seeded issues with disrespect. I think you are just devestated, as a Narcissist would be, when his sense of entitlement is rocked. Your image of yourself is that you are a pretty good guy. So, your feelings about your loss of entitlement over her are disguised as remorse for hurting her. Because this way you can still feel like a good guy has made mistakes. You have your conscious motives and thoughts which keep your positive image of yourself. But selfish motives are guiding your behavior.
You want to repent? Stop making excuses, stop co-opting her support networks. Just leave without anymore manipulation. Keep going to counseling, read books. Be honest with yourself. But don't expect anyone connected to her to be a part of your support group or your healing.
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