Forcing myself to write

[spyralle]

I am forcing myself to write this because I can feel myself going downwards again..  The last thing I want to do is sit here..  I want to go to bed and pull the covers over my head and make like I don't exist..  After the last letter to my d from my mum...  i had sent my mum a letter and a photo album full of pictures of the baby (before we received her letter)..  Yesterday I got another letter..  It was totally different from the last two.  It was a thankyou card for the album she also congratulated me on my new job and wished me happy belated birthday..  She says she has been very depressed for the first tmie in her life...

I ran around the house looking for her number to ring her but couldn't find it... I got more and more anxious and today I have just been an anxious mess...  All I want to do is phone her..  It's that simple.. one card and I am jumping..  and I can't help it.  I feel so desperately sorry for her..  I am very confused right now and totally exhausted..

Spy xxx

[JanetLG]

Spy,

Why, exactly, do you need to contact her now? After the last two, confusingly different, letters.

I think I know the answer, but can you get it down 'on paper', as it were? Would that help right now?

I'm sorry things are so confusing. I remember how that feels -  it screws you up.

Janet

[Iphi]

She has decided to be nice to you now and wants you to feel for her (poor her, depressed).  I don't know spyralle.  I remember those letters to you and your D and in the context - all she is doing seems extremely manipulative.

(((((spyralle)))))

[Ami]

Dear Spy,
   I am just going to share what "hit" me when I read your post. I think that she is trying to "reel" you in. I think that, for some reason ,she can tell that you are doing well. She wants to try to pull you in  andmake you lose confidence in yourself ,again (IMO).
  I could be be very wrong,but that is what hit me.
  I think that you will go in to a downward spiral if you contact her. Maybe-- not immediately,but she will eventually propel you downward. At first, it might feel good. (We all want  to believe that our mothers are really o.k.)
   Spy, I really hated when you were in a depression a while ago. You were really, really hurting. Remember that awful letter about your house.
   You have been really doing well. please take the time to consider my words,Spy, before you do anything                         Love    Ami
     

[finding peace]

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Spy)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

I am so sorry. 

When I read what you wrote, it reminded me so much of my mother who would change tactics like a chameleon to try and suck me right back into her black hole.  (Not sure if this applies to your mother – it just really reminded me of mine.)

Some of her tactics:  the helpless act, the guilt-inducing comments, rages, tears (as in poor poor me life has been so hard), illness, depression…..you name it and she would try and use it.

In my “past life,” if I responded right away, I would fall right back into that old black hole.  I learned that it was best to give it some time to make a decision on whether or not to contact her, and if I did contact her, how I would handle it.  It helped me keep my objectivity to some extent.

I am so sorry you are going through this.  I am thinking of you.
 
Peace

[Starfish]

As I am new here I don't have much to add.  I do want to say that this is the same thing my mom  does. Since I am unfamiliar with your story I will say only that your friends here seem to offer good advice.
Maybe give it a day or so before contacting her, and see how you feel then.

[isittoolate]

Everything is going well for you and she cannor stand it---so she pulls a pity-me and you come running?

NO! she wants control again.  Sounds to me she thinks she has lost it--wants it back!

I wouldn't call her!

[Gaining Strength]

I am forcing myself to write this because I can feel myself going downwards again..  The last thing I want to do is sit here..  I want to go to bed and pull the covers over my head and make like I don't exist..

I am sorry that you are feeling this way.  Your words could fit the way I have felt so often the past few years.  It is a hideous way to feel.  I haven't any advice for the specific situation you are in.  I don't know about the difficulties with your mother.  But I do hope that you can find a way to care for yourself, to love and soothe yourself back to a place of comfort and confidence.  You deserve that.  You deserve to feel good enough to want to be up and about and enjoy life.  I hope you can find the place in your mind and your heart that will restore you to a good place.  That is what I hope for you and for us all.

[cate]

Is there a link where i can read the other letter? (sorry - new here)

Hmmmmmmmmmm, what i would do if i got a nice letter from my mother?  Probably trip over myself trying to rush to the car to go see her LOL...

But seriously, you have gotten some good advice.  I did get a nice card for my birthday a few yrs ago...it was the last card i ever received. I called her to tell her i got the card and would like to see her...would she like to come to my son's birthday party?  Never got a reply, so i guess that's not what she wanted.

I think if your mother has been abusive to you in the past then you should NEVER meet her alone at her house.  Meet in a neutral location (shopping mall? bookstore? coffee shop?) some place with a fast easy exit....and maybe go to the spy store and get a pen microphone and tape record your conversation (for review later). I did that with my last converstation with mom just to assure myself i was NOT CRAZY..she really did say some of the things she said....or take a friend with you for a witness.

Never go into a bear den alone without a shot gun and hunting buddy.

[WRITE]

Hi Spyrelle

it's only human nature to want to reach out to our nearest and dearest even when they are really difficult.

Maybe you could slow yourself down by writing to her?
I had a correspondence-only rule with my father for two years which hasn't exactly changed the way he behaves but it has let him know that I can set boundaries and he can't behave however he likes.
The interesting thing for him was he met a woman who is now his new wife in that time!
I guess he didn't have us to lean on ( my siblings backed off too as he tried to involve them in things ) so he had to go out and find his own relationships.

I will say even though I knew it was the best decision during that time I had more anxiety about my father than ever and more pain about our relationship.

But it did end the endless litany of woes which he sent my way on a weekly basis, so it was worth it!

Love to you (((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( )))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

[Hopalong]

HI Spy,
How painful. It is so hard to be someone's yo-yo.

I think it's crucial that you never forget for a moment how untrustworthy your M has been in the past, and firmly expect that she is not a new human being and that you will ALWAYS need to protect yourself in any exchange with her.

That said, I believed her. I think she felt genuine guilt and regret and that's why she wrote as she did. I do think an N can feel guilt and regret. It's just that their basic nature is normally etched in something close to stone, so occasional fissures notwithstanding, they still are who they are.

Write's advice, about writing only, sounds good to me. You can't rush to her rescue without hurting yourself, imo.

You could write a short simple note that says how you feel.

What do you think?

love to you,
Hops

[Iphi]

Yeah but Hops - Spy's mom did not come right out and say "I'm sorry for what I wrote.  I feel guilty and remorseful for ripping into you so unfairly and viciously and I hope you will forgive me."

She did NOT say that.

She changed the subject.

That's what is so manipulative.

My dad does this too.  And then, I have done this a million times, I attribute to him that he feels guilty and he wants me to forgive him.  And I do.  But actually he never mentions it and never asks for forgiveness.

The fact is we do NOT know if they feel bad and want to be forgiven.

Maybe they are just seeing if we can be sucked in to another round of the cycle.

In this happy side of the circle, it's hard to remember the hell that is the raging N side of the circle.  But once you are in the circle, you will definitely hit all the points of it.   

So it this sweety sweet letter gives me cold chills after reading that insulting ranting accusatory letter that called Spy a wicked woman.  And the insinuating letter to her D?  Spy read those over again and remember the same person wrote all three.  Protect yourself because you are absolutely positively worth protecting.

I think Mom needs to sit in the Time Out Corner for longer! 

[Iphi]

I hope you don't mind Spy if I post the link to that letter your Mom wrote you.  If you do mind let me know and I'll take it down:
http://www.voicelessness.com/disc3//index.php?topic=5070.msg79273#msg79273

[Certain Hope]

(((((((Spyralle)))))))

I think that you are an ear of corn and she is buttering you.

I'm so sorry... she is what she is... and I agree with Iphi.

With love,
Hope

[Hopalong]

Yoicks, I cave.
(Consider the source, after all: I moved in with mine!) 

 

Points all well taken. I remember the raging, spittle-flecked letter.
Ugghh.

Spy, hon, take care of yourself.

Hops